Need Opinions on How Daycare is handling child violence.

[TheYoungLife]

I am a mom of an almost 3 year old who is in group daycare 2.5-5 years. My daughter attends 2-3 days a week. Two weeks ago my daughter came home and told me one of the girls, we will call her Jane, bent her finger backwards. I said next time this happens make sure to tell one of the teachers. I was concerned but my daughter was fine and I took it as a one off. Last week I pick up my daughter and she had a scratch (now a scab, large) under her left eye. Jane scratched her according to the staff. It occurred over a sharing dispute. I chatted with the teacher there and I felt she down played it by saying my daughter was more hurt emotionally because her and Jane, who is older, are friends. Okay fine I asked for them to keep a good eye on them when playing together, I didn't want things to escalate. The next day I walk in and my daughter is crying and being comforted and Jane has bitten her wrist. I am horrified. I understand kids have tempers and can lash out but I don't want my child being the victim all of the time.

My question is how should the daycare be handling this? I know how I would like them too but I would love some perspective.

Thanks!

[mimi]

The daycare should definitely let Janes parents know what is going on. Jane and your daughter should play with others for a while. It should be explained to your daughter that Jane needs to learn to have better behaviour by not biting and scratching. When Jane learns to be a better friend, then daughter can play with her again. This should also be explained to Jane in the opposite manner.
As a parent? I would tell them that I would want the girls seperated as much as possible (with above explanation) and should the girls need to be together in group play for example, then they must have a teacher monitoring them. Your daughter deserves not to be abused!

[sunnydays]

Well they should be watching Jane like a hawk and keeping the two separate and doling out immediate consequences if Jane does anything aggressive...in addition to talking with her parents. I am dealing with something similar right now with my 4 year old who is in JK...he has been bitten, scratched, punched, kicked, etc. and I am not sure if the other kids are always dealt with as it continues to happen. It's hard in a daycare centre or school environment because there are numerous teachers, so even if they see it happen, they don't necessarily know that it has happened many times before as it happened with another teacher. When my son was bitten, it was on the school bus and the driver didn't even see it happen...he was quite embarassed when I asked him to keep the two kids separate. However, we have different drivers every other day, so it's impossible to keep everyone informed. Could it be that this is a case in your child's daycare?

[Momof4]

Wow, that's completely unacceptable. I have a little 2 year old girl who doesn't take crap from the boys when they bother her and gives them a good shove. I'm watching her like a hawk all the time and working with her on her patience and temper problems. That should be happening at your daycare too. Children go through phases nonstop so the daycare provider has to work them through each phase to teach them acceptable behaviour.

[Connect]

Hello,
I agree that Jane's parents need to be notified about her behaviour. Yes she needs to be monitored very closely. However I do not agree that Jane and your daughter should be seperated. What is this teaching Jane? What is it teaching your daughter? This is an opportunity for Jane to learn about how her behaviour negatively affects others and for your daughter to use her voice as a way to empower her. The teachers need to have skills necessary in order to help Jane understand that hurting other children is not acceptable. That being said when I worked in childcare and when I had a child who was very aggressive I would document and monitor the child's behaviour. This would help me indicate triggers or environmental situations that can ignite this behaviour. Now I find that children who are aggressive behave this way because of many reasons. For example, they may not be verbally capable of expressing themselves and resort to hitting and biting. It could be because the child is experiencing changes in their lives that they are having difficulty coping with and resort to violence. Maybe Jane is being hit at home? Who knows? Maybe there is a special need? (mental or emotional) Remember, A misbehaved child is a discouraged child. Working in partnership with Jane's parents the teachers need to set a consistent strategy to help Jane through this behaviour.

Also, your daughter needs to be given the words she needs to say to help her find her voice. This will help her deal with future bullies. For example say, If Jane hurts you tell her "I don't like it and I am going to tell the teacher you are hurting me!" Or "Stop it you're hurting me I am telling the teacher!" This may empower your daughter to express her feelings and hopefully Jane will come to understand your daughter's perspective and she will not be a victim.

It is important we not judge Jane's behaviour because we do not know what is happening with her. What if it was your child hitting and biting? How would you feel? The teacher needs to step it up and start monitoring,documenti ng, shadowing, and she should sit down with the parents to try and help Jane through this.

I am sorry your feelings were dismissed. When teachers do not acknowledge or downplay a parent's concern that is a problem. You need to let them know that you love your daughter so much that anything that happens to her it is your right as a parent to be concerned. Remind them that you leave her in their hands and that if nothing is done than you will resort to speaking to the supervisor. That if things are not handled well and professionally you may need to seek care elsewhere.

I hope this helps a bit. All the best to you and your family.

[Skysue]

Just curios, how much older is Jane to your daughter? Kids in the age group don't normally act out this way unless they are threatened. Usually this format of aggression is due to rough play.

What does your daughter say to you when asked why Jane hurts her? A question I would be asking is what did you do or say to Jane that made her bite you?

Have you asked the centre staff if your daughter is or has been aggressive in anyway? If the answer is no and no then Jane is acting out for some other reason and her parents need to get involved.

[kidlove]

I would be attending the center/daycare for a day or two, inconspicuous so the kids don't necessarily know you are there, as a matter of fact...if possible I would like to sneak in to peak at how the entire thing is handled, if possible stand in a hallway just outside the classroom to observe the children and teachers. A lot is said about many things in a situation like this....how is your daughter approaching and handling the situation and friendship with this girl, how is girl with your daughter and other children? and more so...how are the teachers handling this situation and the children in general. I would def want to view the natural behaviors of all involved, then come to a conclusion. I would hope the teachers have already approached the parents of this child regarding these circumstances and are following through with behavior policies. Although it seems unfair to terminate a child due to certain behaviors, it's is far more unfair to place a innocent child in an abusive situation. My advice is to be active and see for yourself, and be willing to take the next step, IF things don't get handled properly.

[TheYoungLife]

Hello,

Apparently it has been happening due to issues communicating and sharing, the girls play together and it ends in conflict. My child may be grabbing toys but I don't see her being aggressive. Jane is at least a year older, my daughter is the youngest at the daycare. She is almost three and most kids are 4-5.

[TheYoungLife]

Thank you everyone for your viewpoints. How great to get so much awesome feedback about an issue that has been causing me some sleepless nights.

[Skysue]

Hello,

Apparently it has been happening due to issues communicating and sharing, the girls play together and it ends in conflict. My child may be grabbing toys but I don't see her being aggressive. Jane is at least a year older, my daughter is the youngest at the daycare. She is almost three and most kids are 4-5.

Is Jane underdeveloped in her speech? At times children will express their frustrations through aggression if they can't articulate their feelings.

I would be asking the center staff what they are doing to positively get the girls to use their words.

You should also role play with your daughter on how it feels to have toys/things taken away so that she understands Janes feelings. Also role play with your daughter on how to ask for help when Jane is being agressive.

How is the staff working to resolve the issue?