My daughter is scaring the new kid!

[torontokids]

My new dcg (12 mos) started this week. Super cute kid and adjusting well. The one issue I have however is she cries at the drop of a hat! My daughter pushed her over the one day and now is following her around and giving her a shove when she wants to. I have been consequencing my daughter by placing her in a highchair for a time out and giving attention to dcg. I think part of the problem though is that this kid gives such an awesome reaction my daughter is looking for it. It has gotten to the point where she starts crying when my daughter just goes close to her. This is the first time my daughter has shown any jealously of another kid (except when another child crawls in my lap at story time and she will start to cry). I worked 2:1 with these two today to help dcg build trust and my daughter learn to play nicely. Anything else I can try? My daughter get's lot's of 1:1 time outside of daycare already and she has an older sibling so she is used to sharing me and everything else.

I get the sense that dcg is picked up as soon as she cries at home and is used to getting a quick reaction from mom and dad every time. Would you talk to the parents about what they are doing at home as well as dealing with the issues with my daughter and dcg?

[Lou]

I wouldn't think you need to talk to Mom and Dad about what's going on at home...she's brand new and is being pushed around by another child in a new environment...I'd cry too! Sounds like you just need to continue what you are doing, and further more shadow your daughter to prevent the pushing. No pushing=no crying and eventually the newbie will relax and not see your daughter as a threat, and your daughter will learn it's not ok. Keep at it, some newbies take longer than others and she's only been with you a week

[mimi]

Yes, what Lou said and your daughter is having to share you with a peer which is different from a sibling. That is probably the reason for the pushing. You have two little ones experiencing new stages in their lives at this stage in their development. I would respond to your daughters pushing with a definite no, but also give her hugs to let her know her position with you is secure. Then I would include dcg and daughter together with you in an activity so the girls can get used to each other and watch how you interact with both of them. Hope this makes sense, I just woke up.LOL

[Artsand crafts]

Removal of privileges, my mean face and the stern voice that I use with the other dck when he is misbehaving is what has worked the best for me. When he was 18mos he bit a couple of times a dcg and was trying to hit others. He also had positive reinforcement when he was controlling himself. I also acknowledged his feelings, but told him that what he was doing wasn't acceptable (and that there was always a consequence for his misbehavior).

He is now 2 and a totally different boy. He is gentle with the 3 new infants that started about 3 weeks ago. He even gives them toys when I ask him to share with the new ones because they are sad and sometimes he even caresses a boy's hair that usually asks for his mommy in the afternoon.. I think the key was being consistent every time and not giving in. Of course he has more hugs and kisses during the day than the others and my husband and I spend quality time with him during afternoons and weekends. He still has to follow all the rules that the others during daycare hours even if the rules change after daycare hours (like not going out the designated play area in the park during daycare hours and be able to do it after daycare hours)

[playfelt]

Be very careful that you are not actually encouraging the scenario by punishing the one and paying attention to the other. Yes the pushing was wrong that time but you mention about the child crying even if your child comes near. She has learned that if she cries she gets your attention - probably just as she does at home. Yes your daughter needs to be dealt with but not so sure that time out/shunning is the way to do it and also the attention fuels her dislike of her rival too so plays into future encounters.

I know exactly what you are talking about as I have one right now that is doing the same with my own daughter. In a way it goes back to when she was younger and didn't understand that even though my daughter is 20 and adult like she was not able to pick her up and give her the attention she craved. Getting close to her and bugging her so to speak got her pushed away not cuddled. Now all Brianne has to do is look at the child the wrong way and she starts to cry but funny instead of running away she tends to run towards her and stand about 5 feet and start wailing. I used to intervene thinking she had been pushed, hit, stepped on, etc. but soon learned through observation there was no provocation to the tears. Now the child just gets told to go back to the playroom - she is fine with my daughter in the basement playroom and there are only issues on the main floor and not sure why that makes any difference. While the child screams louder after being sent away (usually from kitchen to diningroom where our playroom is) she settles once there. My rule has become that this is Brianne's home and I will keep her form the playroom but that anywhere else in the house she had free movement. There are no issues between Brianne and any of the other kids and they share toys, touch each other nicely etc. so still not sure what is setting this child off.

[torontokids]

Be very careful that you are not actually encouraging the scenario by punishing the one and paying attention to the other. Yes the pushing was wrong that time but you mention about the child crying even if your child comes near. She has learned that if she cries she gets your attention - probably just as she does at home. Yes your daughter needs to be dealt with but not so sure that time out/shunning is the way to do it and also the attention fuels her dislike of her rival too so plays into future encounters.

I know exactly what you are talking about as I have one right now that is doing the same with my own daughter. In a way it goes back to when she was younger and didn't understand that even though my daughter is 20 and adult like she was not able to pick her up and give her the attention she craved. Getting close to her and bugging her so to speak got her pushed away not cuddled. Now all Brianne has to do is look at the child the wrong way and she starts to cry but funny instead of running away she tends to run towards her and stand about 5 feet and start wailing. I used to intervene thinking she had been pushed, hit, stepped on, etc. but soon learned through observation there was no provocation to the tears. Now the child just gets told to go back to the playroom - she is fine with my daughter in the basement playroom and there are only issues on the main floor and not sure why that makes any difference. While the child screams louder after being sent away (usually from kitchen to diningroom where our playroom is) she settles once there. My rule has become that this is Brianne's home and I will keep her form the playroom but that anywhere else in the house she had free movement. There are no issues between Brianne and any of the other kids and they share toys, touch each other nicely etc. so still not sure what is setting this child off.

Just to clarify, I give the other dcg attention only if my daughter has pushed her, not if she starts crying when my daughter goes near her. I think she gets picked up a ton at home and fussed over when she cries. I do not do that here but tell her "you're fine" or I ignore it altogether.

It's funny about what you said about your dcg just looking at your daughter or standing near her and crying as this is exactly what is happening. I thought my daughter was continually pushing her but it wasn't the case. I of course don't want to encourage the behaviour but she also needs to learn not to push. This is the first time I have ever try the highchair timeout as I had read about it in posts on here. Don't know if it's working though. Shadowing seems to work best, however it is sometimes harder as I am super busy.

My daughter is now one of 3 little ones, she did not have this reaction when the other baby started but dd was also much younger and did not have they same awareness she does now. I was wondering if part of the problem is I moved dd to the "big kid table" and the new dcg has her old highchair. My daughter is ready for the big kid table and in fact would always try to sit there previously. I might try and move new dcg into the other highchair and the baby she is "cool with" into her old highchair...who knows, sometimes I over think things, heh heh