Am I expecting too much from this toddler?

[Sandbox Sally]

Am I being unreasonable? Honest question, no snark involved.

I have a little one in care, and she ignores me, which is my biggest pet peeve. I ask her questions, and she refuses to answer me or look at me. I try to place myself in her line of vision to get her attention, and call her repeatedly by her name, but she won't answer or acknowledge that I am speaking. She actually moves her eyes away when I get closer, and will continue to play or read or do whatever she's doing.

I ask her in a louder voice to please look at me, or to please come over here with me so we can talk about it, and she bursts into tears. This happens several times each day. I am not sure how to handle it. This morning it was over her snack. I asked her, "is your snack yummy?" and she stopped eating, and stared into the corner of my ceiling. I called her name, and she started to cry. I wasn't yelling or speaking in a harsh tone.

I try to get her to explain to me why she does this, and it seems like she doesn't know how to answer a why question. She's 33 months old, so closer to three than to one. I say, "why are you crying?" or "why do you get sad when Sally calls your name?", or "why don't you answer when I ask you things" and she doesn't seem to have the ability to word her answer correctly? I don't know.

Help?

[sunnydays]

I think it is common for kids that age not to be able to answer a why question. I have a 3 1/2 year old in my dc who cannot really answer why questions either (though she sure likes to ask me "why"..LOL). She also does not respond when I say hi to her in the morning...but I think that's because her parents don't require her to...so I let it go. When she is with me during the day though I make sure she says hi back if someone speaks to her...sometimes parents don't realize they need ot require their kids to say "hi" "bye" etc or they will not learn appropriate social behaviour. Ruling out any actual problem with the child in your care (like autism), I would not worry too much as it may just be that her parents have not trained her to respond appropriately. I would just use gentle encouragement and lots of praise when she does answer (you can feed her the answer until she gets it..."Now you say...it's good...etc").

[Sandbox Sally]

If it were as simple as her not saying hello to me in the mornings, I could let it go. I'll keep working with her. I have only had her here a couple of months.

I don't think there's a problem so far, but I will continue to monitor the situation. I guess I just find it odd that she seems to deliberately avoid eye contact with me, as in, turns her head and eyes away when I address her, or ask her to look at me, specifically in my eyes. Like I said, I deliberately keep my tone and body language inviting, but she still appears to shut down. I just want to be able to communicate effectively with her. It'd be so much more relaxing for the group if she could do this.

[Momof4]

I would be seriously checking out Asberger's or Autism literature or googling to see if you could recognize the symptoms you describe. I think you'll find the answers but I wouldn't say those words or labels out loud to the parents. But I would suggest that there might be some issues the parents would like to investigate with their doctor.

I really hope she's just painfully shy and will come around for you in a month or two.

[apples and bananas]

I got this reaction from my step daughter when I first met her. It drove me nuts! Still to this day I sometimes get the "ignore" or the " look the other way " . Once I relaxed and stopped forcing the relationship she came to me.

I think some kids just need time to figure someone out.

I would continue to do what you're doing and let mom know what's going on and see if she behaves like this at home.

If you do something really fun, like play cars with the other kids, will she approach you to play?

I agree with you... drives me crazy when a child doesn't answer me! LOL They're kids, they do it. But it is one of my big pet peeves!

[Sandbox Sally]

She will carry on a conversation with me when it's on HER terms, she just won't allow me to start. I don't think she has ASD, not that I am an expert by any means, but she's not setting off any bells.

apples, have you ever been around a bigger kid who won't answer when you speak to them? That's my biggest annoyance. I taught mine to answer adults when spoken to. I can't imagine letting a 10 or 11 year old get away with that, but people let their kids do it all the time.

[playfelt]

Is she an only child? It is possible the parents do all the talking for her in the way they interact with her and she never has to choose out loud. If they accept pointing or gesturing or signing at this age then that makes the problem last longer. Parents forget to let their children grow up and continue using the cutesy voices and accept cute smiles as answers.

[sunnydays]

I think this is the case with my dcg...she will come to me and stand there just smiling and the only way I know she has to go to the bathroom is that she pulls ever so slightly on her underwear at the side...LOL. I don't accept this and make her tell me what she needs...her teacher sure isn't going to have time to notice her standing there smiling like that. But I have a feeling her parents respond to it.

Is she an only child? It is possible the parents do all the talking for her in the way they interact with her and she never has to choose out loud. If they accept pointing or gesturing or signing at this age then that makes the problem last longer. Parents forget to let their children grow up and continue using the cutesy voices and accept cute smiles as answers.

[Fun&care]

I had a new DCG do this to me just recently. I think it's a personality thing. What worked for me was to get her to talk by saying "if you want to have a snack, then say Fun&care can I please have a snack"? She LOVES food and did not want to miss out on snack so this really worked. You can do the same for toys. But finally she warmed up, took her a while (like 4 months) but now she talk talk talks! Try not to force it too much, if nothing works then just ignore it for now and see if she will come to you.

[apples and bananas]

She will carry on a conversation with me when it's on HER terms, she just won't allow me to start. I don't think she has ASD, not that I am an expert by any means, but she's not setting off any bells.

apples, have you ever been around a bigger kid who won't answer when you speak to them? That's my biggest annoyance. I taught mine to answer adults when spoken to. I can't imagine letting a 10 or 11 year old get away with that, but people let their kids do it all the time.

yes... whenever my oldest step daughter is around a tv. LOL Drives me crazy!