Bullying

[torontokids]

How does everyone deal with bullying at their daycare?

My daughter is the issue (3.5 yrs). She has her best friend at daycare (3.5 dcb) and the two of them exclude others. At first it wasn't an issue as they were just trying to keep the babies away from what they were doing etc. But then I had other older children join us and they weren't/aren't very welcoming.

This week my daughter's friend is away on vac and she is insistent she isn't going to play with the 3 yo dcg. She yells things like "I don't want to see her" or "I don't want to play with you" etc. I have been trying to help her develop some empathy (e.g. how do you think that makes dcg feels when you say you don't want to play with her?) however this of course is a longer term goal. She gets consequenced for her behaviour e.g sits out if she can't play nicely with everyone or looses certain toys if she can't share with others etc. Other ideas?

Usually this is more in the morning and she warms up to the other children as the day moves along. she is also learning some things as a result of her behaviour e.g. 3 yo dcg didn't want to play a game with her and I reflected back on how my daughter spoke to her this morning.

[playfelt]

Just as we don't get along with all adults or want them doing what we are doing so do kids. That does not mean they can be rude or exclude. If she doesn't want to play with both girls then she can play by herself. This encourages the other two girls to play together. If they can form a bond then it will be easier for your daughter to want to join in too.

Take a look at what they are playing when they choose alone activities and watch how they use toys they all use to see if they are at the same play skill level ie level of imaginative play, topics of interest and then intervene to mediate as necessary to try and get them on the same page. You may have to play with them to start and then gradually back away.

Is the new girl from their school as in they have a history already or is this a new person entirely?

Not sure I would be making her sit out and not play but redirecting her away from what the other girls are doing to find something to do by herself. As in it is ok to not want to play and yes they can be downright rude at this age and while that is not acceptable they don't have a lot of ways of getting their point across. Even if you have to set up stations for alone play and some shared play and then you can have rules for playing in the together places and if abused the child must go to an alone station. Just watch that one of them is not getting so upset they just play alone and don't even try a together activity.

[torontokids]

Just to clarify, she sits out from the activity they are doing that she is struggling with. she is still free to do something else.

I certainly don't expect her to be friends with everyone and I even get why she doesn't want to spend time with this girl (she struggling with peer interactions as she primarily plays with adults, has the attention span of a goldfish) it's the rudeness I am struggling with.

[playfelt]

Which girl is having the issues with attention and interacting - your daughter or the new girl - it was a bit confusing. Assuming it is the new girl as you say the other two played fine up to this point. You will need to actually teach the new girl how to interact and become the fourth person till they are playing nicely together and then gradually withdraw with a I have to go change a diaper and then leave them to cope for a bit.

[Momof4]

Zero tolerance is how I deal with any kind of problem like this. I stop problems before they escalalate and I use timeouts, discussions about taking turns or whatever the problem, plus I have a little daycare ditty. Daycare Cool Rules: No hitting, no pushing, no throwing toys, yes friends, yes hugs, good girls and boys. It sounds corny but I make them repeat it and remember that we are always nice to one another.

I'm not saying that we've never had issues, we have of course, but I'm on these little guys like a wet blanket when the slightest problem occurs and in over 5 years I've never had any really big issues. If you stop it right away it never becomes out of control. Easier said than done, it's exhausting to make it work and always be on duty, but it does work.