High Needs/Very Sensitive DC Toddler

[DCmama12]

Hi All,

I just signed up for the Forum but I've been browsing posts for over a year

Looking for tips and/or advice.

I have a 17mth old DC child that I've been caring for for almost 5 months now. She had A LOT of seperation anxiety when she first started the daycare and it got much worse before it finally settled down just over 2 months into it. She is VERY vocal about her dislikes and eventhough you tend to her and meet her needs, once she starts crying, it usually last at least a few minutes. All was good for a couple of months and then BAM it's been one thing after another since.

-She is also a child that does not like any other kids in her personal bubble (eventhough mom and dad socialized her very well from birth)
-She would wake up during nap screaming at the top of her lungs, the first few times I'd go in and rock her back to sleep because this was abnormal but mom and I finally decided to let her work it out on her own since it was getting worse and at night too. She eventually worked it out
-She screams bloody murder if another DC child goes near her or her toys. I've read up on this and try reassuring her that it's ok, no one is going to hurt her but it's getting worse and now my 15month old is starting to run to her and grab her face when she's screaming, possibly from being annoyed that she's screaming all the time or taking most of the attention? I'm not sure so now I have two crying toddlers because I obviously try to show my toddler that she can't grab another child's face like that. Hard to get words accross over that noise.
-She has zero patience, I know most toddlers don't but she screams for 5 minutes if were heading outside and I let another DC child out ahead of her or if I'm in the middle of making lunch and she decides she wants milk NOW or wants out of her highchair etc.
-Today I moved her highchair while she was still in it (6 inches over) and she lost it for a good 10 minutes
-If I tend to another DC at the toilet or bring someone to bed before her and leave her sight or turn around at the kitchen sink while she's in her highchair she loses it 95% of the time
-Mom has mentioned that she loses it if mom leaves her with dad
-She has started losing it when mom hands her to me at morning drop off, kicking and screaming to get out of my arms but as soon as mom leaves, I sit with her to read a book, she's totally fine and plays silly games with me (this morning giving me eskimo kisses)
-If we're outside, she's like a totally different child, kids can go near her, I don't need to be a foot away, when I say it's time to head in she follows...
-I noticed she was piercing two top molars 3 weeks ago, she only has two bottom teeth so this will be a long road if teeth are causing these behaviors
-She often has very soft poops (2-3/day) or diarrhea and fruits and veggies are rarely digested in her poop, could it be a food intelorence that's causing her pain and it makes her irritable?

I'm at a loss, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried reassuring her, ignoring the behaviors, giving her more attention etc. nothing seems to work...my 3 older DC kids have been blocking their ears or questionning why she cries all the time, when is it too much? She's a great kid when she's in a good mood, funny and quirky and she has AWESOME easy going friendly parents...any tips? What should I do? Some days I'm drained...

Thanks!

[Kimiludaycare]

Screaming is normal development for a 17th month old Toddler. My son William is almost at that age but at that stage. http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/17-month-old.aspx#

Toddlers don't have all the words to express what is in their heads they want to say so easiest way is to scream or have a tantrum.

I find often help is to do a whisper game with the other children. The more the older kids get annoyed and comments - more screaming and frustration the toddler has (my older son (6 years old) get pretty annoyed with his brother, but we try to break into a song or SHHHhhh Shhh rythme a song together to calm William down.
Plus William love love love attention and very active - his personality - differ from my older son - more independent and analytical.

Also separation Anxiety is very normal for a toddlers because they realize how easily they can be separated from the person that makes them feel safest. Redirecting their attention and think of ways to less the pain - might have to simply distract the child attention while mom or dad sneak out if it cause more anxiety(Toddler memories are short)

Good Luck. Hope this helps!

[Judy Trickett]

Screaming is normal development for a 17th month old Toddler. My son William is almost at that age but at that stage. http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/17-month-old.aspx#

Toddlers don't have all the words to express what is in their heads they want to say so easiest way is to scream or have a tantrum.

I find often help is to do a whisper game with the other children. The more the older kids get annoyed and comments - more screaming and frustration the toddler has (my older son (6 years old) get pretty annoyed with his brother, but we try to break into a song or SHHHhhh Shhh rythme a song together to calm William down.
Plus William love love love attention and very active - his personality - differ from my older son - more independent and analytical.

Also separation Anxiety is very normal for a toddlers because they realize how easily they can be separated from the person that makes them feel safest. Redirecting their attention and think of ways to less the pain - might have to simply distract the child attention while mom or dad sneak out if it cause more anxiety(Toddler memories are short)

Good Luck. Hope this helps!

But in my experience having cared for many, many kids, a child who is 17 mths old and has been in care since they were 12 mths old do NOT suffer from this degree of separation anxiety five months into care. Sure, some separation anxiety and behaviour is expected at the onset of care but five months in it should NOT be an all-day thing. The child is obviously unhappy and unsettled in this care arrangement as are all the other children and the provider. It is time, for the happiness of everyone, to have the child try a different care arrangement.

[playfelt]

Screaming to indicate a need instead of using words is normal yes and so are gestures and pointing and foot stomping. But has been described is something over and beyond what is normal and not something that can be accommodated in group care. The child has made it very clear by their actions that they do not want to be around other children. This is one of those cases where a suggestion to the parent to look into either a nanny for one on one or to a daycare centre where they have access to professionals for support would do child, parent, provider and daycare children a service. As Judy said this situation is not fair to anyone.

[Sassygirl]

I just posted something similar with my newbie dcg. Some good suggestions! I feel terrible for the other children listening to this all day long and their parents wouldn't be happy knowing their child is either. I would seriously considering giving your 2 weeks. I am close myself in my situation.

[sunnydays]

My first daycare child was a lot like this...I lasted nine months and absolutely could not take it anymore. She was almost 2 when I terminated. She would kick, hit, push the other kids constantly, she would purposely shriek in another little girl's face because she knew it would make her cry...many times ever day, she would scream and cry about everything and anything and she had fears about pretty much anything...she would not get off my front porch to play and would stand there screaming unless I held her, if I took her to the library she wouldn't get out of the stroller at storytime because something startled her one time when we were there, at playgroup she would often sit and scream through circle time...I just couldn't deal with it while taking care of all the other kids. Plus, we would draw a crown everywhere we went and people would be wondering what was the matter with her...I started to feel that I was getting a bad reputation because I had such an unahappy child in my daycare. Her parents were great through most of it all and that is way I hung in there...but near the end they start to change as well. They started to say things like "Well she's really good at home so I don't know why she's like this for you" or "Do any of the other kids do this?"...it started to feel like they were blaming me. I think they were tired of me telling them about her behaviour issues. If you have tried everything and it isn't working, I would terminate for your own sanity. My daycare was so much happier after this child was gone!

[JennJubie]

I was the parent of the difficult child at one point. He was very happy to be at daycare, he loved the other kids, but he didn't understand how proper social rules worked. Our daycare provider was a wonderful woman, and was kind and incredibly patient with him. That being said, though, we worked with her every step of the way. If he hit another child, or couldn't calm down, he came home. That was put forward by my husband and I. He had a very strict set of rules at daycare, and he came a long, long way while there. I truly believe it was our cooperation that kept our son in daycare, and he benefitted greatly from it.

[Judy Trickett]

I was the parent of the difficult child at one point. He was very happy to be at daycare, he loved the other kids, but he didn't understand how proper social rules worked. Our daycare provider was a wonderful woman, and was kind and incredibly patient with him. That being said, though, we worked with her every step of the way. If he hit another child, or couldn't calm down, he came home. That was put forward by my husband and I. He had a very strict set of rules at daycare, and he came a long, long way while there. I truly believe it was our cooperation that kept our son in daycare, and he benefitted greatly from it.

And I applaud you for that. If every dcparent had the same understanding and attitude about bad behaviour or socially unacceptable behaviour we wouldn't be discussing posts like this. However, as a provider yourself, you know that most of the time parents are NOT receptive to negative feedback about their child. And if they don't recognize the problem then they surely are not gonna be receptive to working on the problem.

I had a kid once slap me. His parents didn't see it as a problem. That was his last day here.

I do agree, JennJubie, that the manner in which a parent is willing to co-operate is a huge indicator whether or not a continued daycare relationship is warranted or not.

[dragonlady3]

Hi...I guess I have a similar issue. I have two year old twins. They have been with me 2 months and when they arrive, they scream and kick and throw themselves down on the floor. Within a very few minutes of the departure of the parent, they are quiet and accommodating. As a pair, they are uncontrollable and pose a safety risk to whoever tries to hold them to take off boots and coats. We finally asked the parents to bring one from home first, go back and get the other. (They live relatively close) This lasted for a week or so, and things were calmer with the children. I wanted to have the separation take place at home and try to get us out of 'the loop' of unsafe behaviour. The parents started bringing them at the same time again for two days. Dad would bring one the front door and a minute or so later, the other in the side door. OMG...the carry on was worse than ever. I am at a loss....definitely they should separate at home.
I was thinking it would be wise to let the parents know that they have a week to get back on track and bring the boys in separately, or let them go.
We have tile floors at both entrances and the flinging down and rolling around hysterically is scaring me half to death. The last thing I want is a child hurting his head. Any advice welcome.
I should add that I have had a happy home day care for 18 years, and these two are the worst 'arrivals' I have ever experiences....altho ugh they are quite 'normal' during the day.

[DCmama12]

Thanks for all your replies!!! That article was very interesting, I forwarded it to the mother, she hasnt read it yet and was not too keen on the gluten thing but she agreed to read it when she'd have a minute. Just to clarify, I'm used to normal impatience, tantrums and screaming and such, I'm here because I truly believe that the intensity of these screams/fits are beyond normal. My husband and a few family members or neighbors that have been in or around my home during daycare hours have agreed on this matter. That being said, this is difficult for me because she has yet to be abnormally physically aggressive towards the other children and there are moments when this child is the greatest child I've ever cared for AND her parents truly ARE amazing and have been cooperative and working with me to try to find a solution since the beginning but this week I am starting to have more comments like "well she's not like that at home at all so I don't know what else to tell you" so I think I may be starting to get on their nerves about it...both the parents and I have agreed that we will try it for a few more weeks because we do know that she's happy with me and today she was the perfect little kid, no personal bubble or anything...ahhh I wish she could just tell me whats going on