Making kids say sorry?

[abster]

When a child hurts another child do you make them say sorry? If so, do you make them stay in time out till they do? What age would you make them start doing this? Thanks :-)

[playfelt]

I do not make the kids say sorry to each other. They do not fully understand the meaning of empathy at the toddler stage. Truth is they are not sorry.

I don't put them in time out for most incidents either because they are just learning what is right and wrong and timeout tends to just makes them angrier. I will make them go play somewhere else but that is as far as it goes. The idea being if we can't play nicely then we have to go play by ourselves till we can.

I also think it is a bad idea to make the children revisit an incident because there attention span is so short the kids can be fighting one minute and sharing a game the next.

That doesn't mean we don't talk about being nice to our friends and taking turns and all the things that make us a nice friend but not in the heat of the moment.

[apples and bananas]

I ask them to say sorry. I can't "make" them say it.

But, I find that when I start them really young by telling them to say they're sorry and why, they can't say it yet, but as soon as thye can, they start.

I have one stubborn little one that will not say she's sorry if she thinks she was right. I put her in time out, but that's only if I know she's being stubborn about it. She has that look on her face. When she's done in time out she goes back and apologizes. She's 2.5

[abster]

Playfelt, do you make any age apologize for their actions? I have a couple of kids right now that are constantly hands on in an angry or just purposely hurting manner. And one is extremely stubborn with anything he does not want to do and sticks to his guns lol.....just trying to figure out how to stop the hands on behavior before it gets even worse.

[cfred]

I don't make the kids say sorry. As mentioned before, they don't get the concept of sorry until they feel it. When someone bites or hits (especially bites), I will put on the drama - big open mouthed gasp followed by "Oh my GOODNESS!!! That is not how we treat our friends! We do not hit/bite, ever!". Then there is a time out, and I immediately turn my attention to the victim during the time out. Once that is done, I bring the victim to the time out area, release the child who did the hitting/biting and show them how their friend is sad, crying, what have you. I try to acknowledge the hitter/biter's feelings too, as often they are valid. Even as toddlers, they understand when someone is sad and this is an excellent time to start building empathy and a sense that hurting people just isn't okay. I'll even have them help dry their friend's tears, maybe give a hug. Then, during circle, we'll talk about feelings and make faces, stomp feet, etc to express the different feelings. At each incident, I keep promoting the use of the word 'NO!', which my 18 month and 2 yr olds are picking up very well. It's a nice alarm. When you hear "NO, NO, NO" it's a good alert to go and intervene before the biting/hitting occurs, thereby further instilling the effectiveness of using words instead of hurting in the mind of the child. It's not an overnight thing, but I've seen it working quite well!

[playfelt]

All my kids are under 3 but I would with kids 5 and up for sure because they know that others are individuals with equal feelings.

Kids hit, bite, yell, scream, stomp their feet, grab toys, etc. to get a point across before they have proper language and enough experience with language to use it consistently in the heat of the moment. Punishing a child for lack of control does not teach them control. Bringing it to their attention and showing them an alternative does.

Teaching hands off has nothing to do with saying sorry. Hands off is how we treat our friends. DO it properly or go play by yourself period. Also be aware if the "victim" is actually goading the other one into reacting.

Teaching proper behaviour and saying sorry are not the same thing in my opinion.

[abster]

This one said child will play by himself but will walk by someone and just hit them. If I say no he throws himself on the floors and kicks the closest person. He is now this week trying to hit me. I do tell him he has to not play with his friends or near his friends when he hits. He is a smart little guy and Im pretty sure he understands no hitting especially since he tries to do it when he thinks I'm not watching I'm always watching lol....

[sunnydays]

Playfelt, I like your points about "sorry". I have a 2 year old who will do something she is not supposed to do and as soon as I call her out on it she says "sorry sorry sorry" as though that word can erase her actions. Saying sorry does not make it okay to throw food on the floor or grab toys from your friends...after you say sorry the friend is still mad and there is still food on the floor

[Momof4]

My youngest dc child is 17 months right now and if she does something that makes one of her dcfriends cry then I ask her to look at her friend and I tell her what she did to hurt him and ask her to hug him to make him feel better. She doesn't have any words yet but I don't think a child is ever too young to teach empathy for others and that caring for one another is a very good thing. We don't hurt others! Can you tell that I'm having an issue with my youngest two dckids right now?

For the children who have language skills, yes I do ask them to say sorry to somebody if they have hurt them, look at their faces to see and understand that they are crying and very sad, then a hug. I've never had to force a child to do it. Once they look at the other child and really see that they are very sad they understand and they are learning about being nice.

No, I would not accept sorry, sorry from a child for doing something they know is wrong, that would be a timeout or other punishment, for some of the things the other ladies mentioned like throwing food on the floor.

[playfelt]

Playfelt, I like your points about "sorry". I have a 2 year old who will do something she is not supposed to do and as soon as I call her out on it she says "sorry sorry sorry" as though that word can erase her actions. Saying sorry does not make it okay to throw food on the floor or grab toys from your friends...after you say sorry the friend is still mad and there is still food on the floor

Just like saying please. Just because you say please doesn't mean you get what you want. And yet we start early to teach kids to say please and thank you and they associate it with getting what they want. You want a drink, say please, You want the book say please. Child says cookie please and you say no. Child gets confused and stops saying please and then we get upset with them. I know we want to raise nice polite children but we have to be very careful about how we go about it and stop putting adult words and behaviours onto them. I still say please and thank you when it is appropriate but don't expect them to do it.