We may be terminated by the end of our second day...

[Lucyskye]

We arranged a series of playdates where our prospective caregiver could see our son interacting with others before we came to an agreement regarding some part-time care. There were some issues as our boy hasn't been highly socialized (he's 2). However, we were assured and all agreed that it appeared that he was settling in quicker with each successive playdate. We had our first day of full care and it was a complete disaster. I was told that he was aggressive with the other kids and had had several dramatic meltdowns. Caregiver suggests that this arrangement may not work. I can totally appreciate that she feels that it may not be the best situation for either of them.

How long do you give a child, that is brand new to care in general, to settle in before suggesting termination? How do I go about finding a better situation if we are terminated? We are only doing full care during my training period for my new job (expected to be approx. one week) and will then switch to part time care for approx 20 afternoon hours over 4 days a week.

[playfelt]

Your expected hours of care needed is what will hold you back more than your son's behaviour.

I usually try to give it three weeks before making any kind of decision. Aggressive behaviour is different as there is a responsibility to the other children to provide a safe place to play so that would need to show some sort of improvement within the first week or proof the child will listen and obey when reprimanded - reminded the behaviour is not acceptable at daycare. For the small amount she is going to earn she is likely not interested in even trying to work through the situation.

You say afternoon hours. Be sure your child is busy in the morning, has a good lunch and arrives in need of a nap. That is the only way the afternoons are going to work because providers guard that time carefully.

As far as what to look for in a new caregiver - make sure she has only 1 or 2 children and plans to keep her daycare very small so that your son can have the extra attention he will need. This may cost you more than a larger group setting.

[Lucyskye]

Your expected hours of care needed is what will hold you back more than your son's behaviour.

I usually try to give it three weeks before making any kind of decision. Aggressive behaviour is different as there is a responsibility to the other children to provide a safe place to play so that would need to show some sort of improvement within the first week or proof the child will listen and obey when reprimanded - reminded the behaviour is not acceptable at daycare. For the small amount she is going to earn she is likely not interested in even trying to work through the situation.

You say afternoon hours. Be sure your child is busy in the morning, has a good lunch and arrives in need of a nap. That is the only way the afternoons are going to work because providers guard that time carefully.

As far as what to look for in a new caregiver - make sure she has only 1 or 2 children and plans to keep her daycare very small so that your son can have the extra attention he will need. This may cost you more than a larger group setting.

Thank you. Our arrangement is for a full time spot regardless of the number of actual number of hours that he will spend there. Our caregiver has 2 boys (one older and one about the same age as mine) and has also taken on a younger girl.

I think that I will have to look for a sitter instead that can take him out to a play group/StrongStart instead.

[cfred]

Ugh, sounds like an unfortunate situation all the way around. Sorry to hear this.

Typically, I've found that it takes a few weeks to transition a new child into the setting. It's a pretty big upheaval for the little guys. However, I've not had to deal with much aggression...a little, but nothing terribly substantial. Did she qualify what she considers to be 'aggressive'? If it's akin to a child snatching toys away from others or trying to establish himself at the peak of the hierarchy (yep, kids have them), then that's something that I would consider manageable. Meltdowns happen, but I know there are meltdowns and MELTDOWNS. If the child is just having his freak out on his own and being nothing more than a disturbance, I think that can also be dealt with.

On the other side of the coin, if the child's meltdowns include behaviour that is hazardous to himself, his peers or his provider, it may be necessary to terminate for the benefit of the group. One thing that happens a lot (and understandably) is that people usually don't see the situation beyond their part in it. It's normal. But she must consider everyone, including herself. If the child is affecting the whole group in a negative manner, or they're in harms way, other parents will pull their children out, thereby dramatically impacting her business. And perhaps, (I don't know details of course), but maybe she's not been in the biz quite as long? I've been at it 20 yrs and have raised my own three, so meltdowns don't faze me at all....my 'tune out' skills are solid! I can see where frequent meltdowns could be enough to curl the hair of someone a bit younger or less experienced, thereby making it difficult to to their job effectively.

I can see both sides. However, there's not much information to go on, so I'm looking at it with a whole lot of 'what ifs'. Have you asked her, specifically, what the behaviours are? With me, it's all in how things are brought to the table. I have one little guy right now who is driving me crazy....but the parents are remarkable and trying so hard to work with me. That makes all the difference.

[apples and bananas]

I have had those first days where I'm ready to throw in the towel. I had a 3 year old hide in the corner for an entire first day, then when I approached him to take him to lunch he aggressively came at me. I thought... there's no way this is going to work. But I stuck with it and after a week he settled right in. Now he's my little helper. Loves being here and I love having him.

I think 3 weeks is a good amount of time. All good caregivers know that all children will have a transitional period where they learn what is expectable and what isn't at a daycare.

In saying that... most providers know their limits and assuming this is a good provider i'm sure she's looking out for the best interest of both her business and you child.

[daycarewhisperer]

What do you mean he hasn't been socialized? Have you taught him not to hit, fight, bite, or be mean to YOU and the other people in his life?

If you knew he wasn't capable of being around others without being physical then you knew he couldn't manage little children.

It's your job to teach him to obey adults, follow directions, be patient, and keep his hands to himself. Have you done that? A child care environment is where the skills you have already taught him get fine tuned NOT where they are first learned.

Take him out immediately for the sake of the other kids and the adult caregivers. Do it for them. Don't worry about what is best for him, you, or your family. Think COMMUNITY first.

[Lucyskye]

Read for comprehension please.

[playfelt]

Why can't you take him out in the mornings when playgroups exist if he is only in care in the afternoon?

Daycare is not where you learn to socialize as another poster said. Yes YOU need to take him to places and help him work though the process of getting along with others. What did you do with him for the first two years of his life - keep him locked up at home, never visiting a park, neighbour, playgroup? He spent two years being the kingpin of the kingdom and well doesn't like that he is now just one of the courtiers well too bad - a lesson all kids must learn. Being one of the crowd sucks for sure when you have been taught the world will cater to you. Sounds like you have a lot of lessons you need to teach your child before they will be ready to enter society. Don't blame your lack of training on the provider or children in care. The responsibility rests with you so get out there and enjoy those playgroups with your son.

A sitter that will take him out to playgroup during the day is called a nanny and that can be extremely expensive for one child and rarely do they stand for any kind of behaviour issues from their charges.

[Lucyskye]

Seriously? We are at the park every morning. We do playgroups once a week. We have no family here and no friends with children. I did not offer to lay blame anywhere. I asked two simple questions. Nothing more and nothing less.

[Dreamalittledream]

Happy that things seem to be working out for you