Moderating the forum

[cfred]

What you call a spade might not be what someone else might call a spade. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions, but unless asked for them, maybe keep it to yourself. That parent asked a very simple question and was subject to what I would consider a vicious attack on her parenting skills. It was completely and utterly inappropriate, uncalled for and frankly, unprofessional. If any of us spoke to a client in that form, we could all expect to be fired immediately and have a bad reputation following us around. The anonymity in this forum, at times, seems to breed contempt.

The advice, knowledge and support on this forum are is rampant, something I think most of us (myself included) are incredibly grateful for. This is an often unappreciated and isolating job. Having peers to talk to is a wonderful thing It's those connections I make on here which I value highly. However.....I do see many providers taking a negative turn. What dismays me is the plethora of threads, comments, posts from people who feel that the parents are out to get them, are unappreciative and who don't value them. I don't have any doubt that there are loads of clients out there like this and I've had a few myself, unfortunately. But it seems that the overwhelming aura in here is often that it is to be expected and even anticipated. It's sad....not pathetic or anything derogatory....just sad. I love my job and I love my clients and yes, I love my daycare children. We have to take the good with the bad and let the unpleasant experiences roll off our backs and come back to our roots which is why we love this profession to begin with. Posts, such as some of these and the ones Mamaof4 is being crucified for cutting short are the epitome of why many people don't take us seriously. A simple question was asked and a mother was treated very poorly. Thank you Mamaof4 for taking care of that for the parents, the forum and for us. I haven't found parents being treated differently than us. The fact is there aren't many parents who come in here. And given recent activity, who can blame them? It's like sticking your arm in an alligator's mouth and hoping it doesn't bite.

We can expect to receive from others what we bring to the table ourselves. Will we get burned every once in a while? Sure. That's true for anything in life. But in my experience, what I put out to my clients is what I reap in return. Last night, I sent 3 of my families home with a home cooked Thai dinner which I had made scads too much of. Were they grateful? Yep. Every morning, one client brings me a coffee and I send her with a fresh baked muffin. Nice? You bet! Do clients come right into my home freely and play with their children and talk to me. For sure! And my clients make me feel, every day, that I'm a valued member of their 'peripheral family', which is the gravy on top of all the other reasons I love this job so much. The silliness going on now is the very reason I decided to never work in a daycare centre again.....office politics and back biting. I'm very sad to see this in a place where we should all feel safe, supported, SUPPORTIVE and, most of all, respectful to ourselves, our peers and our clients (who afford us this wonderful option of working at home).

Just my 2 cents......

[playfelt]

What comes across to me is three kinds of providers and because everyone answers from their experience we get differing opinions but everyone thinks they are right and in their minds they are. Seasoned providers have seen more, tried more, done more, and are better able to see through the rhetoric. Newbies come to the forum still seeing daycare through rose coloured glasses or come to the forum because the glasses are off and they are disillusioned. The group in the middle is learning and learning fast but still has a lot of different scenerios to experience before they will be able to fully understand.

I am going to refer to the thread on the parent with the 2 year old. The question asked in words was how long to transition. The seasoned answer - it isn't ever going to happen. We got into trouble for explaining why not.

Note the thread topic title parent used - my child is about to get kicked out after day 2 for negative behaviour. Then question was really how long should the caregiver give child to start behaving. You can interpret the question many ways. Responses from those new to caregiving will be along the lines of well I work with all families and try to do what is best for the child and they rhyme off some vague hope of it all working out. The reality is those that have seen this kind of thing over and over know that over and over again it just doesn't work out.

Did the parent ask for advice well that is up for debate. They sure got some yes and it wasn't easy to hear I'm sure but sometimes things just need to be said. We are daycare providers not miracle workers. We do the best with the kids the parents send us but sometimes we have to call a parent out and say ok enough is enough either get your kid up to speed or stay home and do the care yourself because no one wants to be around your child that bites, hits, has tantrums, makes us late for outings or spoils our walks in the woods, whatever.

[cfred]

Well, having been in the business for 20 years, I'd hardly refer to myself as a newbie. Rose coloured glasses? Perhaps. Personally, I don't believe there's a situation that can't be sorted out with some intensive work and effort. These are young children....very young in many cases, and as is the case with the 2 year old being discussed. I do not believe for one second that the situation cannot be salvaged. This is based on my experiences as a head teacher in 3 classrooms in formal daycare settings, work as a resource teacher, nanny, 12 years running my own home daycare and my education. What may differ, however, is the willingness to put in varying degrees of work from different providers. Me...I'm a down with the ship type of person. I'll work at it until it's sorted out. And so far, even my most difficult children have always come along. It is completely doable, but sometimes requires more effort than many are willing to put in. To immediately say that the child will never fit in is inaccurate and short sighted. Every client coming into my home is told that their child will be afforded the luxury of transitioning in at whatever rate they require....EVERY child. I currently have one little guy who won't sleep or eat. The eating part (after much grief) has begun eating on his own and is adapting well. His sleeping sucks....really sucks! And sure, I miss my breaks like you wouldn't believe. However, when I discuss this with his mom, I see the look of panic on her face. She's even texted me asking if I'm ok and do I need to back out. The answer is no. She is a wonderful client and he is a wonderful boy. Yep, lots of work to be done. It's stressful and difficult and more than I'd like to do. But speaking as a professional, that's my job. That's what I get paid for. Not everyone wants to approach daycare this way; fair enough. But it cannot be said with any authority or accuracy that the situation is not rectifiable. That simply isn't true. It only isn't rectifiable if no one is willing to do the work to rectify it. The fact is that he is a toddler. Toddlers want to, by nature, make the adults in their lives happy. The trick is to bond with the child in such a way that they respect you, love you and trust you. Once this is established, there are many, many teaching opportunities that will arise during which the child can be taught how to get along in a way that really gets through to him. And this certainly doesn't make his mother an inept parent. Just like us, kids have different personalities, needs.

[momofnerds]

so I went back and read that thread over again. I found that everyone gave her an opinion, but its acually the parent who started the whole issue and from then on it escalated. She said that she doesn't keep her kid caged up. I went thru every response and I couldn't find someone saying it.

sometimes I wonder those who post don't want to hear a answer, they want to only hear that they are right. Go back and read that post, no one said anything mean or nasty on that thread about keeping her kid caged up, it was acually the parent. The parent blew the whole thread out of porportion and now it got us nowhere.

[Artsand crafts]

so I went back and read that thread over again. I found that everyone gave her an opinion, but its acually the parent who started the whole issue and from then on it escalated. She said that she doesn't keep her kid caged up. I went thru every response and I couldn't find someone saying it.

sometimes I wonder those who post don't want to hear a answer, they want to only hear that they are right. Go back and read that post, no one said anything mean or nasty on that thread about keeping her kid caged up, it was acually the parent. The parent blew the whole thread out of porportion and now it got us nowhere.

I just went back to read it too. She even got very good practical advice from playfelt to try to make it work in group care.

[playfelt]

Trying to get a group of toddlers to the play area while one child insists in a tantrum fashion to stay on the escalator is not the time to "work on it". That is why each provider has their own way of doing things and know which children will fit into the type of program they offer and which would be better off with a provider that has a different type of program and that is why the provider was honest and told the parent that if what happened on day one happens again it will mean the child is not ready (difference here is had the child started at a year old like the other children they would have had time to learn the process).

Many times on this board providers suggest terminating a child because they are not adapting. Parents of course don't understand exactly what it is like to work with a group of mixed ages instead of just one or two.

[ladyjbug]

Well, you're late to the party, aren't you? Fine, your comparison of a transgender child to someone with a delusional mental illness who thinks that they are Jesus made me want to puke. Better? Still does not negate either of my points that I actually agree with mamaof4 for shutting down the thread for that reason (if that is the reason she did it), and also not wanting to be lumped in with someone who feels the way you do.

[daycarewhisperer]

Well, you're late to the party, aren't you? Fine, your comparison of a transgender child to someone with a delusional mental illness who thinks that they are Jesus made me want to puke. Better? Still does not negate either of my points that I actually agree with mamaof4 for shutting down the thread for that reason (if that is the reason she did it), and also not wanting to be lumped in with someone who feels the way you do.

Yes I'm late. I don't normally check this section of the board. I didn't see this until days end.

My analogy made you want to puke. The parents continuing to put her kid in an environment where the adults refused to pretend and lie makes me want to puke. If the parent knew the adults refused to pretend and lie and that is causing the child to have two emergency room visits you would THINK the parent would remove immediately and make sure their daughters minute to minute was filled with adults who would agree, pretend, and lie.

This is a child care board. As a child care provider I would rather be sued to the point where I lost everything I have worked my whole life for and be banned from ever being alone under a roof with a minor child then do ONE DAY where I was forced to pretend and lie to keep my business. I wouldn't refer to a patient who believed he was Jesus as Jesus 30 years ago and I won't call a girl a boy today.

I would call a girl who FEELS like a boy “a girl who FEELS like a boy". I would gladly welcome that child dressing as they please each and every day. I would supply the toys of their choice. I would give the educational foundation that was appropriate for his or her age.... but I would not call the child the opposite sex or refer to him or her in opposite sex pronouns. I would rather be sued off the face of child care.

[Skysue]

This whole topic is so hard for any of us to even grasp. Until we walk a day in the shoes of parents living it.

On the flip side though I think we can all agree 150% that allowing our child to be in an environment that is harmful or hurtful to there well being knowingly is neglect on the parents part period.

Not one of us would do it, what self respecting parent would? That I think is the issue that a lot of people couldn't grasp.

[ladyjbug]

My analogy made you want to puke. The parents continuing to put her kid in an environment where the adults refused to pretend and lie makes me want to puke. If the parent knew the adults refused to pretend and lie and that is causing the child to have two emergency room visits you would THINK the parent would remove immediately and make sure their daughters minute to minute was filled with adults who would agree, pretend, and lie.

This is a child care board. As a child care provider I would rather be sued to the point where I lost everything I have worked my whole life for and be banned from ever being alone under a roof with a minor child then do ONE DAY where I was forced to pretend and lie to keep my business. I wouldn't refer to a patient who believed he was Jesus as Jesus 30 years ago and I won't call a girl a boy today.
.

Many people (I was one of them) were able to call the parent poster out for bringing her child back to this care situation knowingly without comparing her transgender child to someone mentally delusional. I stand by my points.

I am also 100% sure that one of your posts is missing from the aggressive child thread. The one where you have suggested that the child was locked at home and kept in a crate in response to her saying he wasn't socialized? I was also shocked by that one, and I know for a fact you wrote those words. That was the post which made the parent react the way she did in her response. I don't know where it went, if you removed it, or if the mods did, but isn't it funny the way the rest of the posts are rational and wonderful advice and the parent looks irrational for reacting to your post? Funny how the removal of just that one post changed the way the forum looked at the post and the way the parent poster is viewed.

This is why I don't want to be lumped in together, mamaof4. If there is a troublemaker causing a post to go out of hand, deal with the troublemaker and don't call us all out. That's all I'm saying. I think it's a reasonable request going forward.

Well, I'm done with this thread. Have a nice day.