What do you ladies think builds a secure child!

[Skysue]

I have been doing daycare for 3 + years now and for me I think parents that don't thrive on a schedule and ones that go with the flow have the most secure kids.

So what if dinner isn't on the table at 5pm and what the heck lets live dangerously and not go to grandmas becuase its Thursaday let go tomorrow! LOL

What do you ladies think?

[mimi]

I completely agree Skysue. All my clients are easy going. Some way more than others. I do have one client who are absolutely great, but they are scheduled folks and are helicopter parents (who fortunately trust my judgement) so their daughter always appears stressed. I spend most of my day distressing this lovely girl and trying to get her to adopt a "don't worry about it" attitude.

[Daisy123]

I like routine and a schedule with the kids. They need to know what to expect which I find also lends to security. We'll often talk about our upcoming day during circle time. That being said, however, I really do agree that kids also need to be able to go with the flow too. Things happen and plans get changed... that's life. I think that the difference lies with how the adults deal with the changes. If mom flies into a frenzy because dinner isn't ready by 5, it's the stress that the kids absorb. I've encountered a lot of kids who seem wound up and tense and who are constantly edgy. I also remember one particular little guy I taught when I worked at a school who would show up with mismatched clothes and bedhead but he constantly had a grin on his face and he had the most easy going personality I ever encountered. Happy balances...

[Momof4]

Children need to feel secure and I think that daily routine is key to their health, happiness and security. However, I strive for variety as well in my menu and our activities through the week. But I don't let mealtimes or naptimes vary for more than 1/2 an hour if possible so that 5 days a week for 9 hours a day my little dckids know exactly how their day is going to transition and exactly what to expect next. I think that's why I always have happy, well behaved little groups, once we get past initial transitioning of course.

I think the children are exposed to chaos at home in the evenings. Their parents are super busy people and I have no idea what they eat or what time they eat, go to bed, what their activities may be, and so on. Hey, I get it, I used to be that crazy busy Mom! So I'm their rock during the day! Every day when the children leave I tell them what we will be doing when they come back in the morning so they know what to expect tomorrow.

Right now I have a little boy who is in a tumultous family situation and he tells me things daily about what is happening at his house. I tell him that he can come to my house every day for daycare and we will always have fun together with our friends. This little boy NEEDS the routine I provide to him 9 hours a day and he needs my reassurance that I won't be changing anything on him and my hugs will be here for him every day, you know?

[playfelt]

I think what skysue is referring to is known as resilience and that is one of the most important skills to the point there are books and courses offered on teaching the skill to children and adults.

A schedule breeds complacency too and then when something happens life dissolves into chaos because the child doesn't know how to adapt to the new expectations. Being resilient means being able to accept change, accept differences in people and things and having the courage to try new things and to do things outside the comfort zone. Learning to handle whatever life throws at them.

Our association offers the course and it is called "Reaching in ....Reaching out" if that helps.

[Skysue]

What I'm saying is yes routine is good but some parents get stuck on such a perfect time table of routine that as soon as things change the child feels like the bottom of the Earth has fallen.

Bedtime doesn't have to change but exposing your child to sleep at grandma's a few times before there 12 months or at Auntie Joan's will help them roll with it.

Changing there room or playroom around a few times a year gives them a new perspective.

Parents IMO that thrive on a set schedule mess there kids up, they know what there supposed to be doing every Wed at 3pm heaven forbid you decide to do something different.

I also believe that it's ok to let your 8-12 months old explore on there own. Of course your watching them but they don't need to see you doing it. Ever notice some people can't be 3 steps away from there kids. How does that build security, it's more like a body guard.

I'm taking about building a security of independence. If that makes sense!

[jammiesandtea]

I agree with what's been said already, a balanced approach. A routine and basic schedule is very comforting to kids, and makes them feel secure. Flying by the seat of your pants every day, with no set bedtime and routine or meal schedule, is chaotic and it always shows in their behaviour. Mixing it up a little with regard to specific playtime activities, to keep things fun and fresh, is of course necessary to avoid boredom. It's also vital to be able to go with the flow in a calm, positive manner when circumstances require a change in the plan, because being rigid and stressed out about it is what causes the kids and everyone else to be stressed out as well.

Bottom line is that kids thrive on a predictable routine, along with having parents and caregivers who can deal with changes in a calm and positive manner and help the child learn to deal with them that way as well.

And I totally agree with exposing kids to other experiences like going to sleep at Grandma's, etc. It's the basic structure of the bedtime routine (not necessarily always the same location), and meal time schedule, etc, that's most important. It's different bed times, and different expectations with regard to eating and sleeping and behaviour, and a continuous dragging them here/there/everywhere with no predictability at all that is chaotic to kids.

I find that many parents these days are the chaotic type rather than the structured routine type. And like Momof4, many of my DCkids have felt much more secure (and better behaved because of it) at daycare where they know what to expect and count on, than at home where it's often the opposite.

[Momof4]

Ah yes, balance, that's the right word Jammiesandtea. Skysue, what you are saying is true, if you want to stick to rigid schedules you are going to be stressed out as the adult which means the child will feel the stress and be unhappy. We all know that we have to be adaptable and flexible in our business, but if we get the child brought into daycare who didn't sleep properly the night before for whatever reason, WE are the ones who are going to pay for it! So I'm still on the side of routines, within reason.