How to terminate my neighbour's child?

[CrazyEight]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and new to home daycare. I have 3 kids of my own (5,4, and 1) and I've had a home daycare since the beginning of July. I have been watching my neighbour's 4.5 year old son since the middle of August and he's turned my life and daycare into, well, hell. Please tell me if I'm overreacting or if I should terminate, and how to best go about doing that.

A bit of explanation:
This boy, call him Sam, is in JK this year. He's an only child, and is incredibly destructive. From what I hear from the parents, school is not going well AT ALL. He hurts other children, refuses to listen, talks back, throws sand/rocks/etc at teachers and students, and spends alot of time in time-out. At my house it is even worse. I have my own 1-year-old and 2 other babies under 2, and I'm now worried for their safety. This morning, I had 2 of the 3 babies into my big bike-trailer-type stroller, turned around to get the third, and he pulled the handlebars down to the ground, flipping the babies almost completely upside-down. If they hadn't been buckled in they would have fallen out completely. The problem is his attitude towards things like this. He either doesn't care at all, or thinks it's hilarious. He has ZERO regard for the possibility of hurting other children.

He punches my older kids in the face with no provocation, throws toys at all the kids constantly, hits me, has huge tantrums when he is put in timeout, yells "no" when I tell him he's going to time-out, rips pages out of the kids books in my playroom, piles all the toys into the middle of the floor and jumps on them, has no idea how to clean up at ALL, trips children on purpose, the list goes on and on.

The parents are so blind it's incredibly frustrating. They claim "he's tired" and the teacher has "written him off" and "expects too much." Essentially everything is the teacher's fault, and their solutions involve bashing her behind her back and saying they should make the school switch him to another class. Every time he does something violent, like punching or kicking my kids or other daycare kids, and I explain to the parents what happened, they get this puzzled look on their face like, "oh, he did that? He's never done that before" kind of attitude. They have yet to apologize at all for their son's behaviour. I honestly think they don't know what to do either, so they have just adopted an attitude of "when we're not taking care of him, it's not our problem." He hit me yesterday when I put him in timeout for pushing the babies' highchairs over WHILE THE BABIES WERE IN THEM. (I just managed to catch one baby, I have her in a booster strapped to a chair, and she was about to hit the floor). This morning the mom actually made him apologize for hitting me, the first apology I've ever gotten.

She then asked about Friday morning, where he tripped a little girl in the schoolyard on purpose, and then acted astonished that he would do that. Within 2 minutes of her leaving, he was kicking my daughter at the table while she tried to eat her breakfast, throwing toys, and refusing to listen at all. His "apology" made zero difference in his behaviour.

In my opinion, the parents do not enforce consistent discipline, which is a huge part of the problem. If he won't get his shoes on when he gets picked up, mom puts him in timeout. He stands up and laughes at her. She immediately abandons time-out and tries to bribe him with going out for dinner. He laughs and ignores her, or screams "no" and tries to hit her, she she abandons that and moves on to coddling him and trying to do it for him. Then in the same breath says that his dad is "too hard on him" and the teacher is "too strict with him" and that's why he's acting out. It's ridiculous.

I've tried, for over 2 months, but any discipline that the teacher and I enforce is getting abandoned at home, where he is getting coddled and allowed to run the house, from what it seems to me. I was considering issuing a warning, essentially putting him on probation, but this is happening at school too, constantly, and I know nothing is going to change.

Sorry this is super long, but the parents are in such denial, how do I go about terminating this kid without having it blow up in my face? It doesn't help that we're neighbours, not super close, but our kids play outside together almost daily, and I have a feeling that mom in particular is NOT going to be pleased. They also have no idea that it's coming, but I can't do this anymore. I dread having him show up at my door, and it's hell until the bell rings and he becomes the teacher's problem. Then I pick them all up and it's miserable until he leaves. This is not what I want my daycare to be, and not what I'm comfortable providing the other daycare kids with. Help!

[apples and bananas]

I'll tell you how to terminate.

"dear parents, due to your sons aggressive behaviour and for the safety and security of all children enrolled in my daycare I am no longer able to care for him"

the end.

He would have been gone long ago from my home if I had a child like this.

I've only been hit by one child. It was his first day and it was very out of character. I almost didn't let him come back for day 2. And I let the parents know, if the behaviour continues not only will he be immediately terminated, you will come get him immediately.

You have a responsibility to all children, and to be quite blunt.... you are being irresponsible by allowing a child showing that much aggression towards the other kids to stay.

The minute he flipped that buggy mom would have been called. The minute he aggressively pushed that chair, mom would have been called.

Think of the discussion that you will be having with the parent of that baby when you explain to her that a child who has been aggressive multiple times really hurt their baby.

You have to put the safety of all children above your feelings about your neighbour and say good bye! Before someone really does get hurt.

[playfelt]

I would first start by bluntly telling the parent that everything the teacher is reporting at school is also happening at daycare but that it is worse at daycare because many of the children are too young to defend themselves and there is a great potential for injury. Because of that you are putting the child on probation for two weeks and if there is no improvement in behaviour you will need to terminate because safety comes before anything.

Then follow through.

[cfred]

Yep, I have to agree here. He's a threat to everyone's safety and a massive liability risk....not to mention the damage to your reputation should anything terrible occur. I'm excessively tolerant and put up with far more than many would....but this would be too much, even for me.

He should not be allowed back in your daycare at all, effective immediately. If one of those babies gets very badly injured, YOU are the one dealing with the lawsuit, not his parents....and your business is pretty much finished.

Upon reading my posts, I guess I didn't really answer your question, but maybe just reaffirmed what you already said....he has to go I think what A&B said was good. Don't worry if she's upset. You can't control that. Just be calm, collected and succinct. It might be a good wake up call for her. And how lovely will it be to not dread your job every day? Good luck and let us know how it turns out

[2cuteboys]

I agree, terminate immediately. The parents have had plenty of opportunities to work with you on it, and have chosen to remain blind this behaviour instead.

It probably would have been a good idea to discuss with parents when it first started (at the beginning of care, from the sounds of it) that his behaviour needs to change within a 2-3 weeks or he'd be terminated. From the sounds of it the parents need to get it through their heads that his behaviour is SERIOUS, something they've been unable to do thus far.

I feel like you could say "this is a final warning, the next violent outburst will result in the child being terminated immediately, and parents will be called for pick up," but honestly, what if the next violent outburst breaks a babies arm? It's much safer to just let him go immediately.

[Crayola kiddies]

Uuummmmm ...... NEXT...... That child needs to be gone from your day care TODAY.... You are risking your children, the other children in your care , yourself and your business. Terminate today !!!! Have a letter ready at pickup saying what apples said or similar .... Such as
Dear parents
I regret to inform you that due to xxxx aggressive and often violent behaviour towards the other daycare children and myself that I will no longer be providing care effective immediately.
Regards crazy eight

You can add if you will be refunding any monies depending on what's in your contract with regards to immediate terminations. Speak directly to mom or dad or who ever picks up and tell them to their face and then say I have put it in writing for you for your records. Have all of his belongings at the door and say good bye

[Mommy]

I had a similar situation with neighbors across the street. In complete denial. Every dongle day I would give the list and they would act in shock and say he's never like this at home. Um.... I live across the street and I see the way he treats you and his brother. Wake up. I have them their termination letter saying I've worked with you for said time and his behavior towards me and the other children is getting worse. He is not a good fit for this daycare. We haven't spoken since haha. Thank goodness. I didn't want our children playing together with an in disciplined bad egg. Your children's safety is more important then a ruined relationship with your neighbor. Do not keep this child another day. Luckily this boy was not hurting the other children like your dcb is. But he was on his way, so i terminated before it got there. When the parents aren't on board with discipline the child will only get worse. If I were you I'd terminate today. If he's there call them to come get him and say he's not welcome back. I wouldn't allow your children to play with him after this unless his behavior is dealt with. Bad behavior is contagious. Let us know what happens.

[Mommy]

Single day not dongle haha

[apples and bananas]

I appreciate the suggestion of some people to give notice... final notice... etc. However, when you are dealing with the safety of the children, babies in your care you must act on it immediately.

If a child pushed over a high chair (which isn't that easy to do, they're designed to not fall over easily) in my home they would be called for pick up and gone. I can not be everywhere and have eyes on all kids at all times. It's impossible. I may have the child back for a second chance, depending on the child, relationship with the family, but that's it.

[CrazyEight]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I knew the answer already, but sometimes it is hard to not talk yourself out of it without someone telling you you're in the right, you know?

I've drafted a letter...what do you think?

Dear XX & XX,
Over the past two months of having "Sam" in my care, I have run into numerous behaviour issues with him. As you know, he is very destructive in my home and aggressive towards other children. I know that he is having a hard time getting used to the routines and expectations at school, so I have tried to wait out this behaviour, enforce consistent discipline, and hope that things calm down and improve.

Unfortunately, this has not happened. His behaviour is now putting the safety of the other children in my care at risk and it is not something that can continue. I feel that "Sam" needs a daycare environment with less children and fewer distractions, and more one-on-one time than I can provide. Therefore, please consider this my two weeks’ notice to terminate care. I will be happy to continue having him for the next two weeks to allow you time to make alternate arrangements, making his last possible day Tuesday, November 5th.

Please let me know by this Friday (October 25th) if he will be coming next week or not, and if so, I would appreciate payment for that week in advance. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and please understand that this is not a decision I have come to lightly.

Sincerely,
crazyeight