Attachment Parenting.....

[bright sparks]

So I signed a family up at the beginning of Oct for a January start. Some of you may recall me talking about how this family are paying for my husband to have a police check...anyway, I have been in touch with this parent this morning to give an update on the police check and I made some friendly enquiries into how they have been and how the sleep training is going. There child is 9 mths right now and until about 6 wks ago was being tested as he has a heart murmur. He has been given the all clear now. From birth this child has been sleeping in bed with his parents and she breastfeeds him sips through out the night to comfort him rather than to feed him because he is actually hungry. Okay a little of my own feelings came out then but over all I am trying hard to keep my opinions separate.The mother responded to my email saying how sleep training is going well following the attachment parenting principles which encourage close physical contact with the mother in particular for the first few years of life. For daytime naps she bounces on an exercise ball to settle him and then lays him down to sleep. So at no point has this child ever self soothed and nor do they plan to train him to do so. She said that she thinks he will be fine here but honestly I don't think he will at age nearly 12 mths suddenly be able to go from no self soothing to getting himself off to sleep. Also if its not being reinforced at home its just going to be harder for him and me.

Now I actually respect her choice to parent however she likes even though it is not my style and although there may be benefits to it there are also likely problems that will occur as a result. I do not see this translating well into a daycare setting. She says she doesnt expect me to do any of these things and that after a week or two she thinks he will be fine. She obviously just came up with this out of thin air because I just dont think so. Do I even take this child and try or do I just be honest with the parents and refund their deposit?

Any thoughts/experiences?

[2cuteboys]

If they understand how you will be putting the child to sleep and don't have problems with it, I'd be willing to give it a shot, maybe put a clause in his contract about a reasonable adjustment period, and let them know that he'll only have a short period to adjust.

Unless you're having trouble finding new clients, and the extra 1 1/2 months of advertising would be beneficial. In that case you might want to consider having another talk and seeing if she'll start adopting some of your strategies at home instead, and if they're not willing to try to work with you, skip them all together.

[sunnydays]

Did you discuss this with the parents during the interview? I am wondering why this is just coming up now? I loosely follow attachment parenting style myself and have taken attachment parented children into my daycare with little issue. but, if you and these parents are too far apart on parenting philosophies, you may run into problems.

[Fun&care]

I did attachment parenting with my two kids. But I never planned on putting them in daycare either, always knew I would stay at home. IMO it just sounds really selfish for the mom to basically neglect teaching her child how to self soothe when he is going to have to do it in daycare...but who knows I think it will depend on his personality, maybe he will come around OK... You never know but it definitely just sounds like a bad idea to do attachment parenting and then BAM, put them in daycare at 12 months. Very unfair to the child and to the provider especially. I have never actually had a child who did attachment parenting enroll in my daycare so I can't say much. My kids were a mess every time I tried to leave them with someone else, even just their dad. (For this reason and others I wouldn't do attachment parenting again).

[bright sparks]

In our interview and during the follow up meeting of signing the contract they told me that he sleeps in their bed because they were so nervous about his heart murmur. Fair enough I can understand that but during the signing they told me he had been given the all clear. I asked if they were going to begin transitioning him into his own cot and sleep train him in time for coming to daycare and mum said she was going to spend some time looking into techniques and start a week later. That was just before thanksgiving and this is the first time I have heard any mention of attachment parenting.

Is it even a good idea putting a 12mth old child under that kind of stress to sleep train? He could cry for hours and I think that would be undue stress on him and would make me nervous with his murmur.

I just dont know what to do for the best. My biggest thing is just like Fun&care said about 12mths of no self soothing and bam into full time daycare. I appreciate your honesty f&c about how you wouldnt do it again due to separation issues.

[CrazyEight]

I have a 12-month-old of my own. I never planned on attachment parenting, certainly didn't do it with my older 2 kids (ages 4 and 5), and honestly didn't really agree with alot of the philosophies of attachment parenting, and yet with my youngest, we ended up doing some of them.

She used to sleep really well on her own, then she got 5 teeth in 3 weeks at 8 months old, which threw everything out of whack and brought her back to our bed so we could just get some sleep, and she's still there now. She also absolutely refuses to take a bottle, so still nurses to sleep the majority of the time. I'm not happy about it, but it's working for us and for her, and my 4-year-old has just gotten over some major sleep issues, so at this point, I'll do just about anything to get some sleep.

Doing childcare makes the most sense for us right now for a variety of reasons, but I've realized pretty fast that it's not my dream job and it's not going to be a permanent until-retirement kind of thing. Aside from the logistics and the finances and everything else about going back to work, the main thing that's made me stick to this and try to make it work is wondering how the hell my youngest would survive daycare. Having dealt with transitioning my two 1-year-old dcks, who go to sleep just fine, I know that I would have NO idea how to deal with a kid who's never cried it out before.

Anyways, personally, I think my daughter would not do well in a daycare setting at all with how she's sleeping now. It sounds like the mom is just hoping to avoid having to deal with the transition period, which I would guess is going to be longer and harder than with a baby who's already used to going to sleep on his own. If she's not willing to start letting him cry it out ahead of time, I'd be really nervous about letting him start. There's no way my daughter would let anyone else put her to sleep, and I never even intended to parent her this way. I won't even think about possibly looking at going back to work until her sleep issues are sorted out.

[mickyc]

It is so hard to say what will happen. I had a parent contact me about a spot I had open and she mentioned attachment parenting. I didn't even know what it was LOL. Once I looked it up I immediately cancelled our meeting. She begged me to reconsider but I still didn't meet with her. It is so far from my parenting style and I had had a boy who was extremely difficult at nap time I certainly wasn't open to meeting with someone who had a higher chance of having issues sleeping.

I always stress is my interview that the parents need to work on getting the child to self sooth before starting daycare as well as weaning off the soother and cutting back on amount of bottles needed during the day. I don't know why this mom would want to do that to her child!?!

I did have a boy once who screamed from the time he got dropped off until I called mom to pick up in the middle of nap because he was keeping everyone else awake. After the 3rd day I terminated. I was already the 2nd daycare!

I would make it known to mom that you only allow a certain amount of time to transition and if he doesn't transition within that time frame there is the possibility she may have to look for new daycare. Tell her the sooner she can start transitioning him at home the better off he will be with you. Some parents are so selfish sometimes. The don't want to do the work needed to help their child transition easier.

[nschildcare]

I would have an honest conversation with the mom about: 1 - how he will be going down for naps in group care and that she should start getting him used to that routine now, and 2- that your transition period is x weeks long and that if he hasn't settled by then they will need to find care elsewhere.

He needs to learn how to self-soothe. It can be done gradually and gently if she starts now. Otherwise it's going to be a huge shock to the little guy when he starts. I'd really emphasize how hard it will be for him. If she doesn't believe you, ask her to follow your naptime routine (whatever it is: ie: tuck him in awake, turn on music, walk away, etc) and see how he does.

Mom needs to understand that while she may love the ap philosophy, it does not translate very easily into group care unless she is prepared to do some prep work. She may not care, though, because she won't have to deal with the fallout. You will.

[mom-in-alberta]

I don't have an issue with AP parenting in the EARLY YEARS. It's not my style, and I would not label the way I have raised my kids as AP in any shape.
However, I agree that it seems grossly unfair to the child to carry them whenever they wish to be carried, let them nurse or cuddle to sleep, and in general cater to their emotional wants/needs immediately for 12 months, and THEN dump them into daycare. I don't know a single daycare that could accomodate the true AP philosophy. Some might be able to do more than others, but in general, multi-child care makes it unlikely or impossible.
I feel badly for providers and the children placed in these type of situations.
I would also be getting in touch with mom and letting her know what your concerns are. Remind her what your naptime protocol is, and try to get her on board. Give a definite timeline for improvement. It may not be perfect, but if he gets better as time passes, I would be hopeful.