Toddler Behavior

[FS2011]

I am feeling so overwhelmed lately with one of my dcks. His behavior has gotten bad to down right rotten in the last month. He uses to be my golden child, we have a close relationship with parents and often get together outside of daycare hours etc. He is close to 3 years this December. I have discusses with the parents and they are also at a lose as far as ideas go. He will not listen or focus, take direction, time outs do nothing in fact he almost likes the attention. I have tried making him my "helper" to encourage good behavior, it works a few minutes then he runs up to another child and hurts them out of no where. The biggest issue is how I'm dealing with it, I'm frustrated and now lost all patiences which I know doesn't help the situation. Is it time to let the family go or is there something I haven't tried? Im not the type of person just to give up and these children are so important to me and I just want to do what's right. Thanks for reading and the advice in advance!!

[playfelt]

I know how we would have dealt with this kind of behaviour back in my day, lol, but.....be sure that your tone of voice is making him know for sure that what he is doing is wrong. You will need to be physical with him in some way because it sounds like he has been yelled at so much that words have just become noise to him and he totally ignores it. When he hits, grab his hand and physically hold him and speak to him while you are holding (you will be behind more than likely and will be speaking directly into his ear - little distractive noise will be there). He thinks the time outs for hurting friends is funny because there is no real consequence for hurting.

Obviously since this is a change in behaviour there is something that triggered it. It could be a change of kids/age mix in the daycare, something going on at home - parents arguing more or he has overheard something and maybe misinterpreted. You say you see these people outside of daycare. There is then a familiarity the child has with you such that he will try things he does at home where another child might not.

[FS2011]

Playfelt you may be on to something there, now that you mention it...since our big outing a couple weekends ago his behavior has got much worse. Hmmm maybe he has just lost respect from that?

[mom-in-alberta]

Hmmmmm.... sure, he may try a few things that the other kids wouldn't, but he should still be listening to and respecting you. I would not expect anything different from him, simply because he knows you better than the other d/c kids.
It sounds like a) he likes the attention it brings him, even if it's negative and b) the yelling no longer impacts him.
I agree with playfelt; when he hits, you need to get down to his level, grab his hand firmly (not roughly) and just say "NO. WE DO NOT HIT." I would not give him any big reactions, except to immediately take him to a 3 min time out. Hopefully consistency in taking him out of the situation without fuss or fail will work for you.
Good luck!!

[FS2011]

I think he does like the negative attention, it almost gets him going more. Grabbing his hand and again saying do not hit doesn't seem to work either. I wonder if I completely ignored his bad behavior all together and only gave him attention when he is good if it would make any difference. Then Im wondering if other kids would see him " getting away" with it and try too.

[FS2011]

Has anyone ever done a warning before a termination? Example if safety of other children is anymore compromised then little johny will no longer be allowed back at daycare etc etc? I'm not sure it would be effective in this case because of his age but I'm not certain. At the least it gives the parents a heads up.

[playfelt]

Your original post indicate that you get together often with this family outside of daycare. One issue may be that the child is confused in the sense of if he does something bad outside of care you do nothing which of course should be the parents reacting. One one of your outings if child misbehaves speak to him yourself with the idea of saying I don't care whether you are at your house or my house or the park we do not hit our friends. Then put your hand firmly on his shoulder and make him stand with you or take him to sit in a lawn chair beside you. Do not engage with him but just sit there. If he gets up put him back in his chair. Remind him we have to sit out if we don't play nice. Then after awhile get up and take child with you back to the action. Let parents know what is going to happen. If they see it they need to do the same. Sometimes a child is testing to make sure the parents and daycare provider are on the same page.

[mom-in-alberta]

Yup, still in agreeance with playfelt. And, yes, if I was around any kids I care for even outside of daycare hours, I would probably still act exactly as I do normally. But admittedly, since I started my dayhome, I will parent anyone's kids. (I have been known to tell kids at the grocery store that they shouldn't put something in their mouth, etc. LoL)
I don't know if I would ignore the bad behaviour, I have zero tolerance towards aggression, etc. I don't think ignoring works with hitting, fighting, being rough. But a non-reaction seems like something that will work, eventually, as he learns that he can do that all he wants and the same consequences will occur. And he won't like it!
If you really feel like the other kids safety is at risk, then that has to come first. If between you and the parents, the behaviour does not resolve, then it may not be the right place for him. There may be something causing this that you cannot fix?

[FS2011]

Today was such a trying day. I believe at this point I'm giving a warning letter for termination if one more occurrence happens that threatens the safety of other kids. He chomped down on another girls foot during quiet time and she woke up screaming. I think the parents need to get him to a doctor and seek help with this, something has triggered it and it needs fixing. I'm not the one to do it, or to be dealing with this stress.

[playfelt]

It does seem like enough is enough. This is not normal behaviour that anyone should be putting up with and yes the trigger and the reasons behind it need to be found and corrected or it will get even more out of control. Today's incident gives you the perfect reason for writing the letter. Include a synopsis of what happened, mention a couple previous incidents to show that there has been a pattern and then write what your consequences are going to be for continued negative behaviour and what timeline you plan to use.

You might also try for parent cooperation and ask them to take child and your letter to the doctor and ask for some help in which case you might be willing to work with them for a bit.