When your own child is the bully

[Other Mummy]

I'm hoping with all the wonderful providers on this board, one or two can help me out with this problem. My almost 5 year old daughter has recently started bullying one my 3 year old dcg's. Since she started kindergarten, my daughter has been a nightmare with his tantrums and genuine disregard to rules of the daycare.

She and this other dcg used to play so nicely together, dcg really looked up to her and my daughter was very fond of her as well. She loves school, she is reading and doing work at a Senior Kindergarten/grade 1 level. So it's not like she hates school and unleashes her wrath when she comes home. I know she's exhausted cause the naps have stopped as she is in school.

She purposely does things to set dcg off. Intimidating her, telling her "NO" don't do this or giving her a stare so dcg will start to cry. She pushed past her when dcg's mom came to pick her up last night. Then she whispered in her ear "MY MOMMY" referring to dcg's mommy. That set off dcg again. Now dcg does not trust and is very leary of my daughter. So sad. I've taken away privlidges, I've smacked her bottom, I've put her in timeouts, I've reasoned and talked to her as to why we don't bully someone and how it hurts, etc. etc.

I'm pulling my hair out. I've never seen her do this with anyone else or my other dck's.

She is home today but I've put her upstairs with the TV on and told her she is NOT allowed in the daycare with that behaviour.

Any suggestions???? HELP. I don't want her to turn into a "Mean Girl" I hated those girls in Junior High and High school. But she's in JK for goodness sake!!

[small town provider]

My first thought on this is although she loves school, she is jealous that dcg gets to stay home with you all day without her. My dd was kind of like this when she started school. She wasn't bullying but was very clingy and wanting all my attention when she got home. I found that it was a mixture of jealousy and being tired. One thing I found that helped a bit was to let her do the craft that I had done with the dcks that day so she didn't feel like she was missing out and read her some stories with her on my lap..it took a while but she got over it. She loves being home on PA days and helping me with the little ones now.

[mickyc]

I have noticed a huge change in children when they go to school for the first time. I have already started to notice bad behaviour from my daughter just by going to pre-school. My opinion of it is this: At school the teacher cannot be overly strict, she cannot spank, doesn't yell and usually won't hand out time outs as often as I would. They have approx. 20 kids who need their attention therefore there are some that get away with the bad behaviour that we have been trying to not allow. Our children are smart - they see the other children behaving that way and see that they get away with it and then they also try it. Then there is the jealousy issue in there as well. She knows what goes on when she is away and wishes she could get more attention from you.

My advice is to step up your discipline. Stick to one thing (the one thing your child hates the most). I would not send her upstairs to watch TV, that sounds more like a reward to me. Next time she doesn't want to be around the other kids she will just act out in hopes that she is sent upstairs to watch TV. You will also need to do special things for your child to make her realize she is still your No. 1. For me when my daughter comes home from pre-school she gets 100% of my attention for 5 minutes. She sits on my lap and tells me all about her morning before she can go play with the others. I make a big deal about her crafts she does at school and we plan things we are going to do together when she is home in the evening after daycare.

I hope that helps.

[playfelt]

Along with the concept of one teacher and 20 kids is the concern that someone in the class is not being nice to her. The fact what she does is not full out blatant as in she didn't scream my mommy she whispered in the child's ear so the teacher didn't hear. I would talk to her about school and see if you can find out if some not so nice behaviours are happening at school and to whom and by whom etc. Talk about why it is not right and just because another child is doing it. etc.

Time out should not be upstairs but it is ok to section off an area of the playroom, around a corner even better, where she can go when she wants to be alone and not with the other kids. The Christmas holidays will be a good test to see if it is happening all day or only at certain points in the day like when she is overtired. If you find it is an overtired type reaction then what needs to happen is when she gets home from school give her a time upstairs then watching tv where she can regroup from the chaos of the day.