Reality Check!

[bright sparks]

This has been a constant in my mind for a long time and since Torontokids post about finding your passion this all came flowing out. I can not deny the truth anymore as things have to change. My physical and mental wellbeing is slowly but surely declining so it is a time for change. So just an offload really ladies, taking a moment to let down my façade and take a human minute.

I had plans to go and do my degree next year but I decided over the last month or so that I would put it off until my youngest (currently grade 6) has finished school as I have doubts of being able to cope with the workload and stress of doing a Psych degree while meeting the needs of my 2e son. His needs are growing as he gets older so I just don't think it would be the best for either of us if I took that on until his graduation. That being said, I cannot keep doing this job.

I love the children and get great satisfaction in aiding their early year’s upbringing and development, but the isolation is positively killing me mentally. I suffer with PTSD and one of the biggest symptoms for me is Chronic Fatigue so I very much need to interact with others outside the home to aid in my recovery. I want to work with at risk youth in the future in the LGBT community but without the education I am unable to right now and even volunteer work at my age in that field is tough to get. I was thinking of training to be a medical secretary or similar where I am busy and interact with others but only work typical office hours, and also do some volunteer work with youth where possible. I really want to be home in the evenings and on weekends with my children. They are fortunately old enough and independent enough to get themselves off to school and get in and organized afterward also. I need to focus on being happy as otherwise the benefits of being home and working are diminished by my unhappiness which does not benefit my family and right now it is a daily battle which just isn’t something I can keep investing in so things have to change. I have one life to live, that's it just one chance. There is that which I have no control over, but that which I do have a hand in controlling, I owe to myself to act towards changing.

One of my big issues lies with money. My husband has an incredible job which is fortunate but we have very much fallen into nasty habits with my money and have become accustomed to the extra cash flow. A major lifestyle and attitude change needs to be made on my part where having this warped sense of income level and qualification level is what justifies a person’s worth. It was drummed into my head from such a young age that I should get a degree. When I was 7 my dad would tell friends that I would end up at Oxford or Cambridge University. I am very intelligent but way to set me up with an incredibly high goal Dad…for the longest time I have battled with this ridiculous notion that without achieving this I am not worthy or adequate. It is a work in progress as I understand this is stupid but it’s hard to change a habit of a lifetime. I cannot walk away from this work until changes have been made and I feel that small steps will likely be more productive rather than trying to do everything at once.

My daycare day right now is very mundane which I don’t think helps at all. I am currently transitioning kids back in after the break 2 x 11mth olds, a 16mth old and a 2 ½ yr old so it’s just a succession of diapers, naps, milk and not much in the way of playing. The younger three are all seriously mollycoddled by their mothers which really is problematic for having them cry for physical contact all to often and while I am trying hard to stick with not buying into it and getting them out of it, the Xmas break threw a wrench in the works. Freakin’ parents don’t seem to give any thought to how their actions affect their children’s social development.

[torontokids]

That's so interesting Bright Sparks that you want to get into psyc, only because I have often found your posts to myself and other members both supportive, insightful and nonjudgmental. I am curious what it is you want to do after your psyc degree because working within the LGBTQ community does not require that (depending on your capacity). The other thing to think about (as someone who works/worked in the field) is that a lot of people get their psyc degree with the plan to become a therapist. The reality is that most psyc positions are research based (entry level) and a lot of psyc do very little counselling but more client monitoring/check in re: clients meds or psyc testing depending on expertise. Just something to think about. I am a social worker and spend more face time with clients then the psychiatrists do.

[Fun&care]

Wow I am so glad everyone is posting about this today! Glad because I am struggling with similar feelings. ( check my post in Torontokids thread). I too have to be careful with my mental health. I have never been diagnosed but know that I can slip into a depression where all I want to do is stay in bed all day for no apparent reason...and I am starting to feel very much that way lately. I am torn between going back to work and losing my independence or staying and being bored and bummed out. I feel that with daycare I WANT to do more but don't always have the energy/ creativity to come up with new things to do and even then, my group is so young it's not always worth it or difficult to come up with something age appropriate so the days become long especially lately with the cold....

But I do want to say thank you ladies for simply posting your own thoughts as it helps others out there like me suffering too!

[bright sparks]

Wow I am so glad everyone is posting about this today! Glad because I am struggling with similar feelings. ( check my post in Torontokids thread). I too have to be careful with my mental health. I have never been diagnosed but know that I can slip into a depression where all I want to do is stay in bed all day for no apparent reason...and I am starting to feel very much that way lately. I am torn between going back to work and losing my independence or staying and being bored and bummed out. I feel that with daycare I WANT to do more but don't always have the energy/ creativity to come up with new things to do and even then, my group is so young it's not always worth it or difficult to come up with something age appropriate so the days become long especially lately with the cold....

But I do want to say thank you ladies for simply posting your own thoughts as it helps others out there like me suffering too!

With my PTSD chronic fatigue is my biggest roadblocks which sounds to me what you are describing. It is debilitating and is like a mental barrier to being able to function, sometimes even basic personal care and household chores can be the hardest task of the day. I am coming up to my 4th year anniversary of being in therapy. It's a taboo subject still I know, not like saying you went to the dentist or chiropractor. I chose to go to therapy as I got to the point where I couldn't move and over my dead body were my kids going to grow up with the memory of seeing mum have a nervous breakdown. It has helped tremendously but needless to say after a life of neglect and abuse it is not a quick process but I now manage my depression much better and have a greater handle on my PTSD and am working steadily, mostly, through it. When I get a wave of depression or go through a period of CF it is triggered by one of two things.PMS which is strongly linked with trauma and also the fact that I have endo so have a major hormone imbalance, or the job. I feel at this point my work is inhibiting my recovery. Intermittently I have to stop trauma therapy and work on day to day coping because my job has me trapped in a box. I use all my mental strength to lock all this baggage down so I can give my best to the daycare kids, which I honestly do a great job at, but it doesn't take a genius to guess what happens whenever I am off the clock?? I crash and burn, and as time goes on it happens more and more often and the harder I fall. Since September I dropped to M-Th and that has helped so much. I also take about 4-5 weeks a year vacation plus every Thursday before a long weekend for that 5 day break. It is an absolute must that I do this.

I no longer put pressure on myself for programming. I do much better with a schedule and good planning so that's exactly what I do to save myself from boredom. This year I am now trying to put myself first before the kids. I have my policies and parents in check. But I do more for the kids than for myself and look where it has gotten me. For example, I always prided myself on providing organic non processed meals. Now I no longer buy organic although we still don't have processed foods or refined carbs, and I put less effort into their meals. They are still healthy but I am all about the freezer meals. Anything that frees up time and energy to make that healthy wholesome meal for ME!

I am human, not superwoman.

[bright sparks]

That's so interesting Bright Sparks that you want to get into psyc, only because I have often found your posts to myself and other members both supportive, insightful and nonjudgmental. I am curious what it is you want to do after your psyc degree because working within the LGBTQ community does not require that (depending on your capacity). The other thing to think about (as someone who works/worked in the field) is that a lot of people get their psyc degree with the plan to become a therapist. The reality is that most psyc positions are research based (entry level) and a lot of psyc do very little counselling but more client monitoring/check in re: clients meds or psyc testing depending on expertise. Just something to think about. I am a social worker and spend more face time with clients then the psychiatrists do.

I planned to double major in psych and sexuality and then do a masters in social work. I love psych more than I can begin to explain. I love getting down to the nitty gritty of human behaviour and what causes us to be a certain way. I particularly find psychosocial development to be most intriguing as through my painful past some of these theories make great sense to me and are something I would like to work inline with when it comes to caring for children and adolescents. I think psych and sexuality will complement each other wonderfully and while I don't need the sexuality component to work within my area of interest I just genuinely find the whole subject fascinating.

I would like to offer counsel and advocacy for LGBT youth and young adults ideally but maybe also specialize in private therapy with a special interest in diverse family set ups. I had been advised a couple of years ago that the masters in sw would be much better for where I want to go in terms of career as the masters in psych is heavily research based....which by the way I also love. I am very analytical and just love to read between the lines but ultimately I want hands on, so to speak, working environment where I hope I can really make a difference.

[Fun&care]

5 little monkeys I have a close friend going through a depression right now and she is my support system and we help each other. I've seeked medical care before (sort of) but it didn't help and I don't feel like I'm at the point that I need to be medicated. I think that there are many reasons for feeling down right now, as many have mentioned the weather certainly isn't helping, and also I have a little one here since September who is still very whiny and clingy and I think it has worn me out more than I thought. Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

[playfelt]

.... Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

I think you have totally pegged what is eating at a lot of us. In one fell swoop with Bill 143 our whole world is potentially being taken out from under us and all the planning/training we did to get to where we are and all the plans we had for our future are in jeopardy.

I can look at this from a very different place than most of you because I already have 28 years invested in home daycare, my own kids are grown, hubby retires from the military in March 2015 at age 60 and thus I am in the daycare could end tomorrow and life would be ok stage - I'll still want something to do but it wouldn't have near the urgency it would have had 25 years ago when my daycare was part of the family income plan.

It is as if we knew we were at the lowest end of the childcare system, very undervalued, and now basically unconsulted, but it has taken Bill 143 to bring it to the forefront for a lot of us. We are questioning in my case why did I do it, was it worth it really - and yes I think it was but going forward I realize so many of you are being put into a very negative place by all that is happening now. Even for those that don't live in Ontario and won't be directly effected by this bill it still makes you stop and think just where do I belong in the scheme of life.

Taking courses is a great way to get some adult interaction and realize we do still have a mind that can comprehend something more than the answer to what sound do cows make and how many pompoms can fill a yogurt container. I used to take one course a session from the local municipal activities book that fulfilled an interest and that was great too be it a craft course, cooking class, home décor whatever. Then the kids got older and busy with their own activities and we ran out of nights - I keep telling myself that is what retiring for is for right. I know it costs per course but even just taking several intro to .... type courses might help you find the one you really like. It just feels like someone suddenly put pressure on us all to state what we plan to do with the rest of our lives without giving us time to think about an answer. It is a scary topic anyways cause really no one wants to think about the unknown future. I so appreciate this forum where we can sound out our ideas and get help to see what direction we can go.

[dodge__driver11]

Since I have come back from Christmas break, I have been pondering what my plan of action should be. I have been mulling over doing home based preschool; but my home is listed right now and if the area I move to has more of a demand for all day daycare I am shooting myself in the foot.

I have some health concerns that make it very hard to work a conventional job...In the sense of if I am having a bad day we can have a movie and coloring day, and just go from there.

Despite my best planning and not wavering on policy, as well as being fair, I always seem to get one parent that says "no" and is extremely disrespectful. I just don't know if I have the stamina to deal with people who are so openly hostile. (See my last post) As always I do my best to screen, but someone seems to sneak by.

Any feedback on this would be ever so helpful... Oh and my problem is too, we do need to be a two income family

[Daisy123]

I think that one of the best therapies is knowing that there are others who know and understand what we go through/think about. bright sparks I really do hear you're frustrations and you seem to have a real war going on. I have a degree and 2 diplomas and yet here I am. Expectations anybody? Sometimes it's a battle in that I feel like I should be doing more but then I remind myself that even though I get called a "babysitter" I AM more. I also hear you about the isolation. Personally I think that that is the hardest part. I'm trying to start a provider "support group" in my area to meet every week or two to share ideas and/or frustrations". (Anyone around Bowmanville Ont?) dodge I do a preschool program with my daycare and that's what saves me. I find that working with the older kids is less mundane. I get to be "teacher". When I feel lazy (often) I check out Pintrest or a Facebook page I like called Teach Preschool for new ideas.

[bright sparks]

I think that one of the best therapies is knowing that there are others who know and understand what we go through/think about. bright sparks I really do hear you're frustrations and you seem to have a real war going on. I have a degree and 2 diplomas and yet here I am. Expectations anybody? Sometimes it's a battle in that I feel like I should be doing more but then I remind myself that even though I get called a "babysitter" I AM more. I also hear you about the isolation. Personally I think that that is the hardest part. I'm trying to start a provider "support group" in my area to meet every week or two to share ideas and/or frustrations". (Anyone around Bowmanville Ont?) dodge I do a preschool program with my daycare and that's what saves me. I find that working with the older kids is less mundane. I get to be "teacher". When I feel lazy (often) I check out Pintrest or a Facebook page I like called Teach Preschool for new ideas.

War for sure. I always describe it as an internal battle.