Reality Check!

[bright sparks]

Wow I am so glad everyone is posting about this today! Glad because I am struggling with similar feelings. ( check my post in Torontokids thread). I too have to be careful with my mental health. I have never been diagnosed but know that I can slip into a depression where all I want to do is stay in bed all day for no apparent reason...and I am starting to feel very much that way lately. I am torn between going back to work and losing my independence or staying and being bored and bummed out. I feel that with daycare I WANT to do more but don't always have the energy/ creativity to come up with new things to do and even then, my group is so young it's not always worth it or difficult to come up with something age appropriate so the days become long especially lately with the cold....

But I do want to say thank you ladies for simply posting your own thoughts as it helps others out there like me suffering too!

With my PTSD chronic fatigue is my biggest roadblocks which sounds to me what you are describing. It is debilitating and is like a mental barrier to being able to function, sometimes even basic personal care and household chores can be the hardest task of the day. I am coming up to my 4th year anniversary of being in therapy. It's a taboo subject still I know, not like saying you went to the dentist or chiropractor. I chose to go to therapy as I got to the point where I couldn't move and over my dead body were my kids going to grow up with the memory of seeing mum have a nervous breakdown. It has helped tremendously but needless to say after a life of neglect and abuse it is not a quick process but I now manage my depression much better and have a greater handle on my PTSD and am working steadily, mostly, through it. When I get a wave of depression or go through a period of CF it is triggered by one of two things.PMS which is strongly linked with trauma and also the fact that I have endo so have a major hormone imbalance, or the job. I feel at this point my work is inhibiting my recovery. Intermittently I have to stop trauma therapy and work on day to day coping because my job has me trapped in a box. I use all my mental strength to lock all this baggage down so I can give my best to the daycare kids, which I honestly do a great job at, but it doesn't take a genius to guess what happens whenever I am off the clock?? I crash and burn, and as time goes on it happens more and more often and the harder I fall. Since September I dropped to M-Th and that has helped so much. I also take about 4-5 weeks a year vacation plus every Thursday before a long weekend for that 5 day break. It is an absolute must that I do this.

I no longer put pressure on myself for programming. I do much better with a schedule and good planning so that's exactly what I do to save myself from boredom. This year I am now trying to put myself first before the kids. I have my policies and parents in check. But I do more for the kids than for myself and look where it has gotten me. For example, I always prided myself on providing organic non processed meals. Now I no longer buy organic although we still don't have processed foods or refined carbs, and I put less effort into their meals. They are still healthy but I am all about the freezer meals. Anything that frees up time and energy to make that healthy wholesome meal for ME!

I am human, not superwoman.

[bright sparks]

I think that one of the best therapies is knowing that there are others who know and understand what we go through/think about. bright sparks I really do hear you're frustrations and you seem to have a real war going on. I have a degree and 2 diplomas and yet here I am. Expectations anybody? Sometimes it's a battle in that I feel like I should be doing more but then I remind myself that even though I get called a "babysitter" I AM more. I also hear you about the isolation. Personally I think that that is the hardest part. I'm trying to start a provider "support group" in my area to meet every week or two to share ideas and/or frustrations". (Anyone around Bowmanville Ont?) dodge I do a preschool program with my daycare and that's what saves me. I find that working with the older kids is less mundane. I get to be "teacher". When I feel lazy (often) I check out Pintrest or a Facebook page I like called Teach Preschool for new ideas.

War for sure. I always describe it as an internal battle.

[bright sparks]

Bright sparks I think that so many times we KNOW what we want but FEAR gets in the way. Imagine what you would do if you took away the fear, what FEELS right?

You hit the nail on the head!!!

Take the fear away, I'd give notice today to everyone! There is no doubt in my mind. I have to get debt paid down and finances in order and that's exactly what I will be doing. I talked to my hubby last night and he said nothing would make him happier than if I quit my job. He just wants me to be happy and I think sometimes I am so consumed with my goings on that I forget that he has to see my decline and share his life with someone so unhappy. That's awful for him and even my kids will process what they see and hear into what essentially will be their belief systems as they reach adulthood. I'm trying to be a happier person not give myself more reasons to be unhappy.

[bright sparks]

I am very fortunate to have known early on in my adult years that I wanted a hdc. I did centres for a bit but made no money so went to healthcare. I made more money but wasn't happy and certainly didn't enjoy the work. I went back to childcare for a bit and then opened my hdc. I would love to do this until I retire and I look at this as my career and I take it very seriously. I have no children of my own yet but when/if we do, it will be great as we have dc already It is probably a bit easier for me right now because I get to go downstairs, play and have fun all day, and then come upstairs and I don't see a child or a toy until the next morning. I'm hoping when/if I become a mom, I will still enjoy doing hdc as much as I do now. I have found this site to be really helpful and I'm glad that this is a friendly site where dcp's can come and express feelings like some of you are having!! It is good to talk about them!!

Bright Sparks...I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now! I know what it is like to wake up every morning and dread going to work and feeling like what you are doing is not good enough. I'm not sure about where you live but I know that in MB, office type jobs are hard to come by because so many ppl want them. Do you need a well paying job or is mon-fri days more important? Have you considered working in a daycare centre until your children are done school and then you can start your degree? Or what about being an EA with a school division ?

My background is in healthcare having worked in acute care and maternity in hospitals in the uk and then working for social services in community care with the elderly and special needs children.

I do not get up dreading my workday. The job is not a bad job so please don't misunderstand my distress. I am disengaged and consumed by cf and depression and the isolation and the fact that I am not mentally challenged by the job whatsoever makes me not enjoy my job but I never wake thinking here we go again.

It is my understanding that medical secretary jobs are available as being in southern Ontario there are so many new developments, a steady flow of immigrants and an ever growing demand for healthcare of all types that there is always a need for medical administration staff. My biggest stipulation is M-F and a 9-5 kind of day or even 7-3,8-4. I am postponing my venture into university to be there more for my kids so I can not jeopardize that. I do not have the qualification to work in a centre or school. Coming from the uk where you graduate with grade 11 I have already had to attend night school over and over to get my high school diploma but beyond that any training I have on the uk does not provide me with an equivalency here. The medical administration course is something I can do in less than a year at night school.

[Fun&care]

5 little monkeys I have a close friend going through a depression right now and she is my support system and we help each other. I've seeked medical care before (sort of) but it didn't help and I don't feel like I'm at the point that I need to be medicated. I think that there are many reasons for feeling down right now, as many have mentioned the weather certainly isn't helping, and also I have a little one here since September who is still very whiny and clingy and I think it has worn me out more than I thought. Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

[Fun&care]

I have gone through chronic fatigue as part of depression and yes it is absolutely debilitating. Very very difficult to function when you feel that way. I had a glimpse of it the other day where after dinner I just crashed in bed and could not get up...I am trying really hard though not to go back there as I have gone through phases where it lasted 6-9 months. Although now that I have kids I don't think I could allow myself to do that and I have to work at it daily to make sure I keep my chin up.

Have you ever thought of getting a reading with a psychic/ clairvoyant? I find them invaluable and I have a reading every few months when I am starting to feel out of balance and it's my saving grace. It's my form of therapy. Look up Charlotte Szivak. She's great and always super positive. She does phone readings. I know it's not for everyone but I am a big believer.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I stopped taking anti-depressants because I was almost more depressed knowing that I had to take a "happy pill" to be happy. I know that for me what works best is making changes in my life. Things like cutting out negative people, dropping friends who drained me, changing jobs, making changes to be happier! Being happy just doesn't happen, sometimes we have work to be that way! lol

(however, for some meds work and that is great too!!)

[playfelt]

.... Also Bill 143 really turned me off too and it made me feel very depreciated and honestly I just feel hurt about the whole thing. I know now that I won't do this forever like I used to think, I think I am just going to start planing for the future and take some courses etc.

I think you have totally pegged what is eating at a lot of us. In one fell swoop with Bill 143 our whole world is potentially being taken out from under us and all the planning/training we did to get to where we are and all the plans we had for our future are in jeopardy.

I can look at this from a very different place than most of you because I already have 28 years invested in home daycare, my own kids are grown, hubby retires from the military in March 2015 at age 60 and thus I am in the daycare could end tomorrow and life would be ok stage - I'll still want something to do but it wouldn't have near the urgency it would have had 25 years ago when my daycare was part of the family income plan.

It is as if we knew we were at the lowest end of the childcare system, very undervalued, and now basically unconsulted, but it has taken Bill 143 to bring it to the forefront for a lot of us. We are questioning in my case why did I do it, was it worth it really - and yes I think it was but going forward I realize so many of you are being put into a very negative place by all that is happening now. Even for those that don't live in Ontario and won't be directly effected by this bill it still makes you stop and think just where do I belong in the scheme of life.

Taking courses is a great way to get some adult interaction and realize we do still have a mind that can comprehend something more than the answer to what sound do cows make and how many pompoms can fill a yogurt container. I used to take one course a session from the local municipal activities book that fulfilled an interest and that was great too be it a craft course, cooking class, home décor whatever. Then the kids got older and busy with their own activities and we ran out of nights - I keep telling myself that is what retiring for is for right. I know it costs per course but even just taking several intro to .... type courses might help you find the one you really like. It just feels like someone suddenly put pressure on us all to state what we plan to do with the rest of our lives without giving us time to think about an answer. It is a scary topic anyways cause really no one wants to think about the unknown future. I so appreciate this forum where we can sound out our ideas and get help to see what direction we can go.

[bright sparks]

I don't take meds and never will. I think that meds work for some in a temporary state of depression, which I suppose some would consider as always although I have probably been in a depressed state to some degree for nearly all my life. An example is grief. My mother took anti depressants after her mother died and she had a nervous breakdown. They helped her get through a period of grief that only time would help her to come to terms with and learn to deal with. The meds helped her through this difficult time and after a couple of years as she grieved she came off them with no problems. I however know the cause of my ptsd and depression and truly believe that to be able to fully address them I can not be medicated. Obviously the results of this can sometimes be worrisome and problematic and there have been times when I have been close to getting them but I know that they wont help in the long run. I have to deal with my past to be able to move on. I wish I could take meds for chronic fatigue because I know that would help me on a day to day basis, but I am fully aware that those meds are anti-depressants. Its a life style change I need to make, so baby steps. One thing at a time, starting small and going from there.

I function well under high stress, believe it or not lol What I mean is, if I am busy busy busy, go go go, with complexity and non stop to do lists, I thrive. Its when I have those periods when I can stop and think, or stop moving that the "shit hits the fan". So over the last year I have been working on reducing the amount I do. I could totally fill my time with night courses, weekend special interest classes, and a multitude of other hobbies but it would not help, infact it would make things worse. I think it is essential to have an outlet outside the home when you do this job, but I need to find one that does not ask anything of me. So even if it's just taking a book to the coffee shop once a week, or joining a friend for a glass of wine on the weekend, that is more what I need to do. If I am busying myself, I am masking. I have to learn to lighten my load, empty my calendar and lessen my commitment list. I know when I am in a happy place because I will just be able to be, and right now that is impossible. If I sit and empty my head, or try at least, I either get CF, depressed, or anxiety attacks WTF right?!? Thats why it needs to be a gradual thing, and it has been. I restrain myself from spending countless hours at night during my insomnia, or worry, researching, and I have vowed only to take 1 night course per year and try things like reading again, which was once my vice, and get on the treadmill for 20 minutes a day. I am also learning to say NO.

[5 Little Monkeys]

That all sounds like great ideas bright sparks!! Good luck with it all!! You can do it!!