Give me strength....PLEASE!!

[bright sparks]

This is primarily a vent, but any advice would also be gladly appreciated.

I pride myself on being patient and have great amounts of experience sleep training children and shutting my ears to the cries during a transition period. I keep great lines of communication going with parents so we can work together with their child in all areas of development.

I have 2 problem children right now that literally have me wanting to scratch my eyes out. Child 1 is the one I posted about prior to Xmas when mum dropped the bombshell on me that she was attachment parenting her son. He is in his 3rd week. Wk 1 and 2, W&Th, Wk 3 T,W,Th and then next week he will be here M-Th. His regular hours will be 7:30-4:30 but during these 4 weeks he has been 9-3.

This child doesn't just cry, he absolutely wails. He doesnt even stop if I hold him. He climbs all over me when I hold him still crying and there is nothing I can do to sooth him. Last week I started putting him down for his morning nap within 5 minutes of his arrival. He typically goes off to sleep within 5-10 minutes so yes he is obviously tired but when he wakes after an hour or so, he just picks up where he left off screaming the house down. It is SOOOO loud. I can manage to shut him up temporarily with a cracker in a highchair in front of the tv which I have had to resort to since he just upsets the entire group and its insane trying to calm them all. He will literally screw his face up and cry when I just look at him, thanks kid lol, so at lunch I can't make eye contact with him when I spoon feed him. He goes down for a good 2 hours in the afternoon which is a well needed break from the screaming. He has been getting up earlier than the rest because he is collected earlier and he is only marginally better and it doesn't last long. I have him with his coat and shoes on ready and waiting for mum at pick up. Now lets be clear, this kid is not miserable as in crying his little heart out. There are some tears but its more of an "I'm seriously pissed off" kind of cry/wail/scream. He is 1 on Feb 1st also. Quite simply and obviously this kid just wants his mum. Today at pick up as soon as he was in his mothers arms he had the most wicked smile on his face. I was livid!

He is being attachment parented so sleeps in bed with mum every night, and is not on any kind of routine. He naps at different times, I asked for a weeks detailed schedule to be brought on day one which shows his nap times and duration's along with other things, and he on demand feeds and she has made it no secret that when he wants to breastfeed he just pulls her top down. She has also told me she intends to breastfeed until 2 years. That is entirely up to her as she is his parent after all but when their parenting style effects my day then it becomes my problem.

I know I should just give notice already, but I wanted to give him, and them a chance because you never know he could have transitioned in within a couple of weeks of a good steady routine at my house but this is just unbelievable. Any suggestions on how I get through the day tomorrow?? He is never going to settle in if he just gets put to bed as soon as he comes in, I'm just honestly unable to offer him any kind of satisfactory comfort. I have had criers before but they usually just want to be picked up or have you close by in their line of sight so its much easier to wean them off this kind of attachment but this is a whole other thing. Number 2 child is a whole other issue and I am just positively exhausted right now so will save that for tomorrow. I'm not sure I will even be able to make it through the 2 weeks notice period and stay sane?!

[Mike]

I'm guessing you have talked to the mother about working with you to get a routine going. Is she even trying to do that? If both of you work on that and it can't be done, he probably needs to be looked at. If she doesn't care about a routine, even after you explain to her that a routine is important for the child, cancel the contract, unless you desperately need the money.

As far as trying to soothe him, I've heard of things you can get for babies that make a heartbeat sound. Maybe try one of those, or something that plays a nice soothing music.

[Spixie33]

I hear ya !
I am also transitioning a 13 month old and he is so clingy that I feel suffocated. As soon as he is not touching me or being held by me - total meltdown as though it is the end of his world.

It is wearing me down and I am in week 3.

Yours sounds much harder considering it is part time and the mom is on a totally different page.

I would probably cut my losses in your case because him transitioning successfully and sanely when mom has him half the time and is giving in to his every want and need makes it hard for him to get used to being 1 of many kids. It is tough when kids are the centre of the universe at home and then come into a group care setting where they have to share the adult and go with the flow.

I am considering giving notice throughout the day -- well ...I fantasize about it but I think I will probably be okay in a few more weeks I hope yours will too but I would at least talk to the mom and tell her how hard the adjustment is for her son.

It may be the mom's guilt causing her to do all this attachment parenting and she doesn't realize how much of a shock it is to alternate between one extreme to the other for this guy.

Good luck I sympathize

[bright sparks]

I get what you are saying Mike but those things are aimed at babies not 1 year olds. He wants his mother more than most kids as a result of being attachment parented. They rarely transition well into a group setting due to constant physical contact with the parent which at this age is for sure in line with the principles of attachment parenting.

You mentioned that he should probably be looked at Mike? I'm not sure what you mean? He is in a routine here eating and sleeping at set times, that's not the issue. I have had extensive talks with this parent and she would have to discontinue her method of parenting and while I personally think that would be a better thing for the child as a dcp I can not tell her to do that. I am overstepping my boundaries by telling her how to parent. It is our role to work with them and give advice when necessary so I am left in a position where I need to figure out how to deal with him when he is here or get rid of him.

[Crayola kiddies]

Attachment patenting does not work in group care .... She needs a nanny or to stay home.... She is setting this kid (and you) up for failure..... The fact that she only revealed this information at the last minute tells me she had a hard time getting him into a daycare when being up front. If you can forgo the income I would terminate because you have a responsibility to the other children as well and I would not want my child in care listening to another child shriek for 80% of the day. This is not your failure this is the parents failure. You do not ap if you are going back to work after 1 yr.

[Mike]

The "looked at" is only if the mother is trying to change and he can't. Why I mentioned that is because a friend of mine has 5 children. Her last one just could not be left alone. She had to be help or next to someone all the time until she was almost 3. I also noticed that she appeared to be a slow learner and eventually convinced the mother to have her checked and it was found out that she has a mild learning disability. They said that would cause the need for attachment. I'm not sure if that can be checked with a 1 year old. If the mother wants to keep her home style as is, that's a different story. If she doesn't realise that in the end, it's not healthy for the child, that will leave you with the choice of continuing or cancelling.

[bright sparks]

The "looked at" is only if the mother is trying to change and he can't. Why I mentioned that is because a friend of mine has 5 children. Her last one just could not be left alone. She had to be help or next to someone all the time until she was almost 3. I also noticed that she appeared to be a slow learner and eventually convinced the mother to have her checked and it was found out that she has a mild learning disability. They said that would cause the need for attachment. I'm not sure if that can be checked with a 1 year old. If the mother wants to keep her home style as is, that's a different story. If she doesn't realise that in the end, it's not healthy for the child, that will leave you with the choice of continuing or cancelling.

I see now. There is no testing for 1 year olds and his behaviour isn't without good reason knowing that he is attachment parented explains it completely. A 2-3 yr old and sometimes as early as 18 months can show signs of being on the spectrum and I have cared for a child who very much displayed many signs of autism but it isn't a given that they have it. Children develop at such varied rates and all of a sudden they can catch up which is what I have seen. A 2 or 3 year old who has to be close to their parent all the time makes me think anxiety disorder which is a very different thing than a child who is being attachment parented although I'm sure if things continue this way it is highly likely this could develop in to anxiety if this little boy can not develop the skill set needed to be away from his mother.

[Fun&care]

I feel for you. It sounds terrible, it really does. I myself raised my babies on attachment parenting, however I always knew I wouldn't put them in daycare. I know for a fact they would have had a very difficult time adjusting. If I were to do it over again there are some things about attachment parenting I would do again but some things just do the kids a big disservice, and I think any parent thinking of putting their child in daycare should just stay away from attachment parenting. I have no advice other than to suggest terminating at this point. It might help mom put things in perspective, and it would save your sanity and the kids. At this point you have to put the groups well being ahead of everything else and start thinking about how the rest of the parents feel about having this screamer around their kids all day.

[bright sparks]

I feel for you. It sounds terrible, it really does. I myself raised my babies on attachment parenting, however I always knew I wouldn't put them in daycare. I know for a fact they would have had a very difficult time adjusting. If I were to do it over again there are some things about attachment parenting I would do again but some things just do the kids a big disservice, and I think any parent thinking of putting their child in daycare should just stay away from attachment parenting. I have no advice other than to suggest terminating at this point. It might help mom put things in perspective, and it would save your sanity and the kids. At this point you have to put the groups well being ahead of everything else and start thinking about how the rest of the parents feel about having this screamer around their kids all day.

Fun&care...I'm sure you remember my old post about the AP and how she just dropped it on me and it was a very refreshing perspective when you made your comments based on being in both a parents shoes and the providers. I thank you greatly for your insight.

This morning mum showed up 25 minutes late. She did text me at 8:45 to say they were having a bite to eat and heading on over but I didn't expect her to be that late. I asked what time he was up and she said he woke at 8:15. There just isn't any consistency in terms of getting him up at the same time daily so he can make it to daycare on time so his routine isn't off at my place. He apparently had a rough night which could mean anything to be honest. This morning I could not bare to be in the playroom with him so I had already got things set up to do baking with my 2 1/2 yr old dcb and my other 12mth boy is napping. This little guy wouldn't sit quietly on my knee so I could help the 2yr old so I put him in a highchair so he could watch. He screamed for 15 minutes at which point the 2yr old was complaining about the noise so I gave the little guy a cracker which didn't help. 25 minutes of screaming and I have put him to bed. He is for sure tired but I don't think that's the cause of the screaming at all.

I think the 2 weeks notice in the form of probationary period is what I will do tomorrow at pick up. I will let her know that he is not settling and is very upset and screaming, which she already knows. I'll state that while it is hard to transition in as he has been doing I was willing to give it a shot at her request. I will tell her that the next two weeks are full weeks so that can be a probationary period for improvement but if there is no improvement then I will no longer be able to provide care as it isn't fair on her son, the other children or myself.

[nschildcare]

Poor child and poor you. Not fair to anyone. Unless the mom is willing to make some changes at home, I don't see group care working out. If you have good communication, I would lay that out for her, let her know what your daily schedule is, and let her make the decision whether or not she wants to prep her child for your daycare. Give it a reasonable time frame to work, maybe even with a pickup option if he is crying for x amount of time, keep her informed, and then be done with it if it doesn't work out.

The fact that he is only there a few days a week makes it even harder to transition him in Mom needs to get with your program.