Help - appropriate play

[2cuteboys]

Wondering if anyone has experience with this...

I have one dcb, almost 4, who is very delayed in play. He does almost no partner play and has issues taking turns too. He is the only child to older parents, and though I've had him almost a year, I know at his previous day home it was him and a bunch of young babies; he simply doesn't know how to play appropriately with kids closer to his age. He plays better with and more similarly to my 2 year old than his 4 year old brother. I've been working on turn taking with him, as well as trying to include him in my son's more interactive play, he's had a bit of success, but it still quite delayed in comparison to other children his age.

And we've come across another issue with his play. He will not simply pick a toy and play with it for free play, he always wants what others have. He will harass the other children to the point that they get mad and hit or scream at him. And when they finally move on to something new, he is in there immediately to snatch up the toy, notice that they are having fun, and will then start harassing them about the next one they've taken on. He also badgers me daily about getting "a new toy" (and we did receive a lot of toys over Christmas, I rotate through toys ever few months).

This morning I'd had enough, and told him he's not allowed to ask the other children for their toys - if it isn't in the bins, he can't have it. I'm sure this isn't the best way to go about it, but I just couldn't handle breaking up a screaming match that early.

Any suggestions?

[AmandaKDT]

I have one 4.5 year old and two just turned 4 year olds (as well as two 20 month olds). I don't usually allow them to even ask for a toy that someone is playing with, they have to wait until the other is done with it (put it away, put it down and walked away) before they can have a turn - otherwise they just stand there and keep asking for when it is their turn. If they continuously ask for the toy, they don't get to have it at all.

The same things goes for asking for something that is put away, they ask me once and if they keep asking they don't get to have it.

I would approach your situation with giving the boy one reminder about how to behave and try to redirect him elsewhere, and if he doesn't listen he loses his chance to play with the toy and gets a time out.

[mickyc]

You are doing things right. When I first started daycare that is the first thing I noticed. Kids always wanted something another child had. I started out trying to get them to share, take turns etc. It didn't work well. No I just tell a child they can't have it until the other child is done with it. If the child had the same toy all day then so be it (never happens anyway lol). Usually the child would get bored waiting for the other child to be done with a certain toy and go elsewhere.

It sounds like the child doesn't now how to free play. Is it a matter of mom entertaining the child all the time at home? do you do the same at daycare?

I do a lot of free play. My group has such wonderful imaginations and can play for hours. They play very well together as well. Don't get me wrong I do some structured things but I feel they get enough of that once they start school.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Sounds like he is delayed in play due to his circumstances. He is an only child at home and has been around younger children in his day homes. Sounds like you are doing a good job at teaching him how to play though!

I would keep doing what you are doing and encourage him to play with the others. If there is a specific toy that they are fighting over, I will either put it away or bring out a timer and each child gets 5-10 minutes to play with it before having to pass it on. If they still fight over it though, it gets put away until the next day. I also have to say multiple times a day "find a toy that no one else has right now" to my 4 yr old dcg. She loves to take their toys if she sees they are having fun with it. It's annoying so I know how you feel!! lol

Could he be bored? Does he play with age appropriate toys?

Keep doing what you are doing and do lots of shadowing. He will get it eventually!!

[2cuteboys]

I definitely don't entertain him all day, I'm not sure what parents do at home (I know he does get the iPhone, but I don't know how often), but he is a tv fiend, he might get that at home quite a bit. At least twice a day he asks to watch it, even though it's really rare that I put it on, and only usually before lunch, if at all.

I think he plays fine on his own (when there's no threat of someone else playing with his toys), but he's not ok in a group. When he first came, he would hoard toys and scream at any child that came near him. He'll occasionally play on his own with the cars/trains, but when other kids come near him he'll either yell at them to go away, or he'll walk away from the activity.

I'm glad to hear others have taken the same approach then. Like you, I tried to encourage them to share, take turns, etc., and it just doesn't end well.

I'm really trying to incorporate more free play (between Christmas movies, DVD and electronic gifts for Christmas, and illnesses this month, my kids have had a lot of screen time the last little bit, and I'm really starting to notice a difference in their play), so I'm glad it's not just hopeless.

[2cuteboys]

Sounds like he is delayed in play due to his circumstances. He is an only child at home and has been around younger children in his day homes. Sounds like you are doing a good job at teaching him how to play though!

I would keep doing what you are doing and encourage him to play with the others. If there is a specific toy that they are fighting over, I will either put it away or bring out a timer and each child gets 5-10 minutes to play with it before having to pass it on. If they still fight over it though, it gets put away until the next day. I also have to say multiple times a day "find a toy that no one else has right now" to my 4 yr old dcg. She loves to take their toys if she sees they are having fun with it. It's annoying so I know how you feel!! lol

Could he be bored? Does he play with age appropriate toys?

Keep doing what you are doing and do lots of shadowing. He will get it eventually!!

Sadly, I think that in the past, folks have found it easier to throw a different toy at him, than it would be to engage him.

He may be bored, but I think part of that is not knowing how to play. Aside from the cars/trains, he will only play with toys for a short period of time before moving on. He does play with a range of toys, some age appropriate some not, though now that I think about it, he never plays with the dramatic/pretend play toys. I think imaginative play is at a deficit.

[Samantha33]

I have one 4.5 year old and two just turned 4 year olds (as well as two 20 month olds). I don't usually allow them to even ask for a toy that someone is playing with, they have to wait until the other is done with it (put it away, put it down and walked away) before they can have a turn - otherwise they just stand there and keep asking for when it is their turn. If they continuously ask for the toy, they don't get to have it at all.

The same things goes for asking for something that is put away, they ask me once and if they keep asking they don't get to have it.

I would approach your situation with giving the boy one reminder about how to behave and try to redirect him elsewhere, and if he doesn't listen he loses his chance to play with the toy and gets a time out.

Exactly! I deal with this the same way. I also have a child who wants everything everyone else is playing with. An only child. I've had this child for over a year, 2 1/2, this child understands everything and acts like he/she knows nothing. Coddling at home by the older sister isn't helping. I think everyone gives in. So we need to be strong to teach them that at our house this is the way it is.

[Busy ECE mommy]

Keep your eyes open for developmental delays as well, such as autism spectrum disorders or ADHD. Sometimes delays in knowing how to use toys or not playing with peers can be a red flag at that age for autism. Watch for lack of eye contact and lack of reciprocal communication with peers, and repetitive behaviours/OCD type behaviours. Also, children with ADHD have the tendency to whip through the toys/learning areas quickly as well because they can't focus, as well as being quite impulsive and continually taking others things without thought for the implications of the behaviour. Both types of kids do better with structured schedules versus free play, and both quite often have difficulty with social situations like sharing/turn taking.

If the rest of his development is where it should be, then perhaps he could benefit from his parents taking him to early years programs or extra curricular activities to find peers his own age to socialize appropriately with. How will he manage when he gets to kindergarten shortly?

[2cuteboys]

How will he manage when he gets to kindergarten shortly?

This is not even the beginning of my concerns for this kid! I've been trying to communicate my concerns to parents, but they either don't, or can't, see it.

I've done a screening assessment with him, but am thinking I'll do another as it's been over 6 months.

Thanks everyone for the help!

[5 Little Monkeys]

Sadly, I think that in the past, folks have found it easier to throw a different toy at him, than it would be to engage him.

He may be bored, but I think part of that is not knowing how to play. Aside from the cars/trains, he will only play with toys for a short period of time before moving on. He does play with a range of toys, some age appropriate some not, though now that I think about it, he never plays with the dramatic/pretend play toys. I think imaginative play is at a deficit.

Does he have any cousins or other family members who are close to his age? He could have some deeper issues but my guess would just be that he doesn't have anyone at home to play with and at daycare, he has "babies" to play with. He hasn't been the given opportunity to develop with kids his own age and hasn't had to learn how to share at home. It's a pretty common thing I have seen with only children.

Hopefully when he goes kindergarten, some of these issues will work themselves out!