I had a rough afternoon and evening and want to comment on it here versus a new thread because I don't really want to have a dedicated thread to obsess over and only want to reflect on it because of the way I chose to deal with it....so I'm going to hijack this for a minute but will get back to the food, I promise.

Yesterday my 11 year old son went missing for 40 minutes and I had a total melt down...during daycare hours. I had to put all the kids in playpens and leave my nearly 13 yr old in the house with them while I got in the car and drove the route to school to look for him. I have PTSD and anxiety which I battle hard against to not let it interfere with my day to day life, but its times like these that I go from 0-60 instantly. I had back to back anxiety attacks for about 25 minutes, thankfully the fact that I had my daughter in front of me and daycare kids to care for I was able to get myself together relatively well and quickly once I located him. There was a club after school that got cancelled last minute and my daughter told my son to his face that he was to get the bus home. He didn't get the bus so I assumed he walked with friends but after 30 minutes of no sign of him I looked down the road that he should have been walking up and there was no sign. Its a long main road so would take him 15 minutes to walk it in my line of sight. I went into the school and alerted them but had to return home obviously. I was gone for no more than 5 minutes and while some may have packed the dckids into the car, I used may best judgement considering the circumstances and left them with my daughter for all of 5 minutes. Don't I see my son climbing out of the bloody wooded area with friends on my way home. I have never felt such relief after feeling such a mixture of emotions including fear, dread, suicidal, my world was ending and I had to change my pants and threw up as soon as I got in the house, that's how much panic I was in that my body was as much out of control as my mind. My son is anal about rules, its part of him being 2e and the change in routine is what had him all confused. He walked home with friends and did a normal 11 year old thing of cutting through a wooded area, having fun with his friends. I spoke to him a few times last night and he has apologized and we have gone over what he should do in certain situations. He didn't get in trouble, I just made it clear how worried parents get when they don't know the whereabouts of their children. I know the way I reacted to this situation is my issue not his.

So what I was leading into is nutrition and alcohol related. I am destructive with food so after an incident like this I automatically binge on food or binge drink to mask my feelings. I wanted take out but fortunately because I had called my husband he raced home and by some luck he was only 40 minutes away unlike today for example where he is 3 hours away (covers the entire province of Ontario for work). I was able to practice self care by telling him that I was going to have a drink....rather than buying a bottle of wine, I bought 4 small bottles of something else so that when they were gone, it would be over, rather than having a bottle that I would have a glass of and then another tomorrow and so on. I wanted to isolate what I was doing to the acute rather than have it throw me off the positive path I am on. Generally that is what would happen and I would fall into a hole, a little deeper than the one I have usually dragged myself out of. My husband made a curry for dinner, sorted the kids out and I took my drink upstairs and read a book and watched tv. I kept my misery and depression to myself as I didn't want it to transfer to my son as guilt which would absolutely happen as he and I have a very unique connection due to him being very perceptive of others feelings and I wanted to do as much damage control as possible. This may seem like its being written by a complete basket case, but really in order to not let this kind of thing effect my daycare and my children it comes at a heavy price and usually when I am alone, or in a safe place my world can come crashing down. Its really rough and I am working through it and if you new me then you would understand that the way I handled things last night with the choices I made around eating and drinking, this was a huge step in the right direction for me.

I have not eaten today, no appetite at all but I am going to force myself to have some eggs for brekkie and make them for morning snack for my one dckid who isn't napping, and while I am still thinking about what happened yesterday I am owning what happened and acknowledging that it is done.

Another quote......"I didn't choose it, I couldn't control it, I can't change it." So I need to learn from it and let it go.

Thanks for letting me share this ladies, it means a lot.....no HIIT today for me, I'm going to do it every other day for a couple of weeks so I don't hurt to much and get disheartened. I'm going to alternate the days with an arm workout and an abs workout so I'm still doing something. Lunch today is salmon, quinoa and lemon garlic swiss chard..yummy.