New Dayhome Provider....HELP with my 4 year old son and more......Long....Pl ease....

[Mom of 3]

Hello everyone
I am new to the forum and would like to Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my post. All suggestions are welcome.

My Dayhome is 6 months old and I love doing it except for........

I have 2 full timers, brother (4), sister (17 months), I love them to pieces except when my 4 year old son and 16 month daughter get involved (which is every day) lol.

My four year old son does not get along with the 4 year old boy I look after. I have to constantly supervise them and ensure they are being nice to each other (for lack of a better word). The boy I look after is constantly copying my sons words and actions, following him everywhere, telling him what he has at home, making constant noises to irritate him, laughs at him if he gets mad and continues to do these things after my son has asked him to stop. It seems I have to step in every 5 minutes because they just can't work it out. My son resorts to yelling at him (screaming actually), hitting and/or pushing. Then the tattle begins but who's to blame??????? where do I intervene?? Do I couch each sentance, say stop each time??
My son won't walk away and it turns into " NO, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES" or " He hit me" or " He won't stop following me"....on...on...o n.
They do have good periods but more often then not I feel I have to keep them seperated and then my son starts saying " He's looking at me!!!!! STOP!!!!!"
Suggestions......PLE ASE HELP
Next.......
My Daughter is a brute.....
She is 16 months and beautiful too but she is aggresive, hits with sippy cups and anything else, pinches, pulls hair, takes any toy the other kids are playing with and does not listen to no. If you remove her she pitches a fit and then continues her actions. She is a loving little girl and the only thing that's working ( a little) is saying " Hugs and Kisses, Hugs and Kisses" or pretending to cry but she is hard on the little one I look after which is a 17 month old girl.
I love my kids and I love the kids I look after, I just don't like them together....lol
The End
Thank you sooooo much

[mom-in-alberta]

Has this been happening the entire 6 months? If it has, and there has been no reprieve then I might say that they are just not a good fit. You may want to look for different kids, be they different ages or just different personalities. I know that may not be what you want to hear, and it's all well and good to have kids that are the same age as your own (sounds perfect, right?), but it is not always the best scenario. If they don't mesh well, then it makes things worse for everyone.
That being said: if this is a fairly new situation, then a little patience and your consistence may be in order.
The 4 year olds; do they ALWAYS fight? Or are there portions of the day that they do get along and have fun? I had the same thing with my 3 (now 4) y/o daughter and a 5 y/o boy. They got to each other like you wouldn't believe. Usually he was instigating, but oooohhhhhh, would she finish the game! LoL. I found that the best solution was "if you can't play together nicely, you don't play together AT ALL". This required me to split them up, so that they were physically in different locations. And even though they drove each other nuts at first, they learned that they would rather play than not. It (gradually!!) got better.
As for your little girl; I can only tell you what worked for me, and what I employ as tactics in my dayhome. You may or may not agree. We went through a period like this with my daughter; where she was really aggressive to other kids. I couldn't go to a McDonalds playplace without having to apologize to every other mom there, I swear it!! And with her, as with my d/c kids now, I had to have ZERO tolerance for it. You hit, pull hair, bite, etc then you are IMMEDIATELY removed from the situation. The only thing that I do "time outs" for the under 2 set is aggressive behaviour or behaviour that endangers themselves or someone else.
Personally, what I would do is; as soon as it happens, get right down to her level (I want to say "in her face" but that comes out wrong, I hope you know what I mean) and say in a FIRM voice "NO. We do NOT (hit, bite, push, etc). That HURTS." Not yelling, or giving any attention otherwise. And then a minute or two in a safe place. So far I have only had to use a kitchen chair or the bottom step of the playroom. You said she pitches a fit.... put her into a playpen and let her pitch a fit. Then when the time is up, go back to her and tell her why she had a timeout and what you expect ("You came to time out because you (hit, bit, hurt). We don't do that. Our hands are for helping, not hurting" and so on). It won't quit overnight, but with any luck she realizes that it is not acceptable behaviour.
With both of your kids; just keep in mind that it's a tough thing to have your home "invaded" by strangers who come in and play with your toys, take up your space and demand your mommy's attention. It WILL take some time for them to adjust. Heck, even my older kids still bellyache about it. But be positive about it, and it will improve. Sometimes a little more one-on-one time with your own kiddos after hours. It's tough when we have a mountain of dishes, laundry and toys to put away.... but if it makes your day to day better, then it's worth it!
Hope that helps, even a little bit. Perhaps the other ladies can offer you some more advice?

[Katskids]

Hi! Just a small comment, advice that someone gave me before I started, on dealing with your own kids. All of the toys in my playroom are MINE! Not one of my daughters toys comes in! That way there can never be jealousy over other people using her things. For an hour each day after the others leave we have special time just to ourselves so she can have my constant attention then! I know evenings can be hectic but this time has really helped her deal with 'sharing' her Mommy!