Bad day

[Gloucestermom]

So a little background - I have a 6 month old and a 4 yr old of my own, and I have one 4 yr old boy come 3 days a week who's a friend of my son's, and I've been friends with his mom since they were babies. They have many squabbles, but nothing I can't handle. This boy has a few allergies and food intolerances, so his mom brings all his food, I can give him fruit and some veggies and milk, but that's it. He knows not to eat things without asking his mom first.
Today, they were both up in my son's room having quiet time, and I forgot there were some crackers up on my son's nightstand. My son comes down and said that he had a cracker. I asked if B had some too, and he said yes. I ask B about it, and he said that he's had those crackers before at home and he's not allergic to them. I didn't have the box anymore, but they were crackers with only a few ingredients and I knew there was nothing in them he was allergic too, maybe an intolerance though.
His mom picks him up today, and I told her that he ate a cracker, I forgot they were up there, and he said he'd had them before at home. She turned beet red and said no, he hasn't had them before. I know she's mad and she has every right to be. I thought it would be better to hear it from me than from him. I should have been more careful, I know this.
Then, the two of them start fighting over a toy, and my son bit hers. I immediately pick him up and tell him no, you don't bite, it hurts, and got him to apologize. She said that he had bite marks on his chest. I said sorry, and got L to apologize again. I feel like such an idiot I'm just starting out and was taking this boy coming over as sort of a test to see if I want to keep doing this. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it right now.
I'm just wondering, should I contact her tonight and ask how he's doing? Or let her cool down and ask her about it the next time he's over? I'm new to all this. I had a long serious talk with my son after they left and reminded him of the house rules and didn't let him play with the toy they were fighting over since he bit him.

[mickyc]

This is one of the reasons I don't take kids with food allergies or intolerances. I just don't feel comfortable enough with that.

As for the biting. That is a hard thing especially since it was your own child who was biting. I take biting very seriously and it is instant cause for timeout and a extra long one as well. I lucked out and my daughter never was a biter. I have had a few in my daycare and it isn't fun to deal with.

I would just leave it alone for now.

[Wonderwiper]

If I were the mother, I would be wondering why my child was playing unsupervised let alone having access to food he shouldn't be eating. IMO it is not the same as a casual playdate if she is paying you.

I would leave it be for now but maybe try making some changes to reduce the likelihood of this happening again.

[Crayola kiddies]

My advise is to stay away from caring for children belonging to friends, family, and neighbours ..... It generally doesn't end well .

[Secondtimearound]

I think I would text and be upfront about the bad day ! I say text so she has time to read it and get a perspective on it . I am overly OCD on food allergies and for that reason do not allow any child with food allergies in my dayhome . I think it's too early for you to make up your mind if you want to run a dayhome , we all have bad days !! :-).
But these are not our children and we are responsible for their safety and well being ! I would of phoned right away and informed of the cracker incident !
The biting at 4 to me is worrisome , I would prob not allow unsupervised play until I was certain that was under control .
I'm not trying to be judgemental ! Stuff happens ! I had my own son at the age of 17 months bite 3 kids at a drop in play group ! Yup pretty embarrassing !! Never did it again ( he's 25 now lol ) but very uncomfortable for me !!!
In my opinion , running a dayhome is different than just looking after a friends child . I think the level of expectation and responsibilities go up .
Hopefully your dcm and you will chalk it up to an off day !!

[5 Little Monkeys]

I know you feel badly but the biting at 4 stood out to me too. However, my aunts youngest is 9 and will still resort to biting her siblings from time to time(altho, in the past year or so she has gone to pinching) so I know it's not overly unusual for older children to do so. I would talk to your son and work on ways he can express his anger without biting. I would also have a consistent consequence for this....for example, every time he bites he gets his favourite toy taken away for 24 hours.

I have allowed older children to be in a different room from me as well so I can understand that. However, if they are known to disagree and fight from time to time, I would be checking in often. At the first sign of not listening, they would be made to play separately and in the same room as me.

I also would recommend staying away from caring for friends/family's children. I don't even really like to care for friends of a friend. The families in my daycare are absolute strangers to me outside of daycare. I know that sounds weird but this is my business not my personal life and I like to keep it that way

I would likely send a text apologizing again and asking how her son is doing. I would do this for any child that this happened too. Also, let her know that if she wants she can give you a call. This allows her to make the choice, she can either text or phone you if she wants.

And although he is only 4, I do think he is old enough to know that he is not allowed to eat things without asking first. Parents of children with food allergies (especially fatal ones) should be drilling this into their head from a young age. Once they are in school (which is only 6-12 months for this child?) the food is going to be everywhere and they need to take responsibility as well. I know not everyone will agree with me but that is my opinion. I am not saying that it's his fault for eating the cracker but don't beat yourself up over it! Mistakes happen. Learn from it and move on.

[daisy]

I don't necessarily agree with not caring for children of people you know. I have had luck with it, but each person is different.
Don't beat yourself up over things, be honest & sincere, it is all you can do. I have made many mistakes during this journey and have always learned from them.
For what it is worth (now late at night) I would have probably called or texted just so she knows I am thinking about the situation, at the very least discuss it at some point tomorrow when things aren't too rushed and hectic.
Question for you - does your son typically bite? From my understanding and experience, children over the age of 3 should not be biting and this may be something he needs a bit of extra help and guidance with. My daughter was a biter and it was difficult while running a home daycare, but we made it through!
Good luck & don't give up - it can be a very rewarding life!

[Lee-Bee]

I remember biting a friend in high school. A bunch of us were hanging out, he thought it would be funny to sit on me and reach back and tickle me. I don't like to be tickled, I voiced this, told him to stop, but had no way to stop him as he was on top of me. I bit him in the back. Boy did he go flying across the room...never tried to sit on me or tickle me again...nor did anyone else!

Sometimes when you have no other means to protect yourself (or your favorite toy or what ever) you resort to what you can do. A one off biting incident from a frazzled 4 year old would not be a huge red flag. But it would lead to serious consequences and follow up and if it happens often then would require a solid plan to end it. But again, if it was a crappy day all around and your son was just really at a loss for what to do then he may have just bitten because he didn't know what else to do. Help him know of what else he can do and make sure he doesn't resort to biting just to get what he wants.

[Gloucestermom]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I talked to the mom online this morning and he didn't have a reaction last night. I'm going to be more careful in the future.
My son has only bit one other time that I know of, and that was at his old daycare about a year ago when another boy wasn't letting him on the play structure. We're working on other ways to deal with anger and frustration and if he bites again he knows there will be serious consequences!
Thanks again.

[bright sparks]

I remember biting a friend in high school. A bunch of us were hanging out, he thought it would be funny to sit on me and reach back and tickle me. I don't like to be tickled, I voiced this, told him to stop, but had no way to stop him as he was on top of me. I bit him in the back. Boy did he go flying across the room...never tried to sit on me or tickle me again...nor did anyone else!

Sometimes when you have no other means to protect yourself (or your favorite toy or what ever) you resort to what you can do. A one off biting incident from a frazzled 4 year old would not be a huge red flag. But it would lead to serious consequences and follow up and if it happens often then would require a solid plan to end it. But again, if it was a crappy day all around and your son was just really at a loss for what to do then he may have just bitten because he didn't know what else to do. Help him know of what else he can do and make sure he doesn't resort to biting just to get what he wants.

I love your example and logic and agree with you Lee-Bee. Biting is bad but also considerably normal even still at 4 for a child who just struggles managing their emotions or has a momentary crappy incident. It doesn't raise red flags to me so much as makes me think about how I can help the child. It just requires some extra support and attention from caregivers to help the child work through it and obviously extra attention to help prevent the other children from potentially being hurt. Rather than blowing things up to be worse, it's best to just deal with it...No alarm bells going off for me. I swear my son was going to sprout horns at 2 1/2 and not just because of terrible twos. He wasn't just a biter but would punch, throw chairs, headbutt. To put him on a time out was risky business. Full extended arms because if he could reach you he was gonna tear into you. Now thats a red flag issue foe sure. I was very worried. It turns out that under stimulated children are the ones who are most likely to act out beyond age 3 regardless of how we entertain them or the opportunities we give them at this age. When my son was assessed at age 8 and diagnosed as gifted, the child psychologist said that his behaviour at age 2-3 was one of the initial indicators that he was gifted. Gifted children are notorious for having problems managing emotions. Thank goodness my son's behaviour all but disappeared the day he started JK but it just goes to show that some children need to be dealt with differently versus being labeled with red flags.