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Thread: A husband vent!

  1. #1
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    A husband vent!

    To be honest, this job is not going to be my career. I know some of you plan on doing this for a long time coming, and I really wish that I could feel that way too, but it's just not enough for me. I went into this a year ago when my mat leave ended with my youngest, thinking I would do it for a few years until she is in school or at least 3 or so, and my older kids' daycare needs would be less.

    I have three kids (6,4, almost 2) though, and a husband who manages a retail store, with hours ALL over the place. I cannot for the life of me find a job that doesn't require some evenings or weekends, all of which I can't apply for, since we have no family in the area to help with the kids. There's no daycare that I've ever found that would take 3 kids evenings and weekends (I certainly wouldn't!) and we wouldn't make enough to pay a babysitter on top of regular daycare costs. So I'm stuck. Even the most recent bank job that I found, for example, required Thursdays and Fridays until 8 and every Saturday. My husband works 1-2 evenings a week, with those days being different every week, and is required to work 3 out of 4 Saturdays and Sundays out the month. It's terrible, and very limiting to what I can do.

    My husband claims he's sick of his job, he wants out of customer service, he wants out of retail, he hates missing out on so much time with his kids. I agree, and have told him I will support him in whatever he decides to pursue - whether it's going back to school, getting a new job, moving somewhere for a new job, whatever. I realize that when I say that, I may be committing myself to another couple years of daycare, depending on what he ends up finding. I think it's worth it, if it will actually make him happy in his career.

    And yet, even though he talks and complains and bitches constantly about his job and how he desperately wants out, he has yet to do anything about it. I search the job ads and various boards every day, and I pass on anything to him that I think may work. He's so far passed up 2 almost-perfect opportunities by not even applying for them, or even writing up a new resume in order to apply. He spends every evening watching baseball, saying he's too tired to write "a whole resume," as if that's so much work. He has talked about going back to college (he has a university degree in criminology, but is not too interested in going into that field) to possibly be a paramedic, and the local college offers the course on weekends. It would be doable if he found a M-F job, and would be a worthwhile choice and one I think he would be good at, but he has yet to do anything about it-he hasn't made calls to check course availability, hasn't looked for a M-F job just to get him through until he's done school, etc. Nothing more that idle talk.

    I'm just so beyond pissed and have no one else to vent to! I've done everything I can to make my job more enjoyable - terminated problem clients, shortened my hours, relaxed my standards on meals a bit, re-done the backyard in order to spend more time outside with the kids - and it's still not enough. I find myself counting the hours until the end of the day, being too short with the kids and especially my own kids, just simply not enjoying this job at all. I hate dealing with parents who think I live to serve them, I hate dealing with children that have been brought up with no rules or discipline, seemingly never having heard the word "no" in their lives, I hate the constant mess and cleanup, and I hate how it seems to be affecting my 4-yr-old son, who is already very challenging, but doesn't seem to be dealing well with having to share more of my time, not just with his sisters, but with 5 other children as well.

    Sorry to unload on you guys, but I need some inspiration on how to light a fire under my husband's butt! I'm going to tell him tonight that he either needs to figure out what he wants to do, whether it's school, a job in this city, a job somewhere else, whatever, and actually do it, or I will go out and find a job that I want and he can support me for a change. I feel like I have taken a backseat ever since my children were born (my oldest was born 2 months after I graduated from university, so I have never been able to use my rather obscure degree that I LOVED getting, but can't really use outside of a much bigger city) and I am sick of taking a backseat to my husband's job when all he does is complain about how much he hates it and doesn't want to be there anymore. If he was working towards something, or absolutely loved what he was doing, then I think it would be worth it, and I would feel like we are a team working towards a goal, but right now I just feel like there's no way out, and he's not doing anything to change that.

    Just needed to vent a bit...I am feeling burnt out and miserable, and he is making it worse instead of making it better. Anybody else figured out how to actually motivate their husband?

  2. #2
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    Oh CrazyEight! I would like to send a hug your way!

    I sometimes feel like you although not to that extend. My husband is actively looking for a different job but I am the one who sends out cover letters and resumes for him. I send him the job listings and he tells me yes or no. Luckily for me we both know he needs a change.

    I do feel sometimes like I am the one who is always supporting him emotionally and not always getting it in return. I don't think they really grasp how mentally draining this job is.

    I do however enjoy my job more than you do. I have my days where I want to quit and go back to work but I do love being home and I do make more money than I did when I worked out of the home.

    I can't really offer you any advice but I can certainly say I understand where you are coming from. Hopefully you can figure things out and get headed down a better path.

  3. #3
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    If his concern is that he is missing out on time with his kids has he considered switching roles with you and staying home. Ideal given the ages of your kids as in not babies anymore. There are even dads that run home daycares. One here in my area even.

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    Sorry, I wish I had some advice. My husband is the opposite, and at times it drives me crazy. Right now he has a job that has great perks, like pension, mon - friday hours, good benefits, etc. He makes a big switch every couple years, and I'm beginning to feel like it doesn't matter what he picks. In a few years he'll end up resenting it anyways.
    I think if you had a talk with him and explained that you can't wait much longer for him to take action, it might get him moving. Maybe he doesn't understand that you're only doing this until you can do something you enjoy.

  5. #5
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    My husband (technically fiance but we've been common law for 3 years so will just refer to him as husband from now on haha) was like this 2 years ago. He had an okay job...good pay, benefits, hours were m-f with every other wknd but it was retail which he hated and the dynamics at work with coworkers and bosses wasn't the best. It constantly had people quitting etc etc. Anyways, he would come home grouchy, complaining, saying he wanted a diff job but like your husband, never did anything about it.

    I eventually had enough. I told him that he could either find a different job or find a different audience to complain too because I wasn't going to listen to it anymore. Everyone complains (and that is normal and healthy to an extent) but when it is the same complaint over and over and over and YOU do nothing to change it, than you are just as much part of the problem as the problem itself.

    He got the hint, took the plunge and changed careers. He has since found a fantastic job with great benefits, very little stress and he actually enjoys going to work again. Part of his problem was fear...he is scared of change and basically needed to be told "shut up or put up". He thanks me often for making him take the plunge and change careers. Right now the job is evenings (which he loves) but I would eventually like him to get back to day shifts. He has lots of room for advancement in this career and is always looking for that opportunity so one day it will happen.

    Now this is only my opinion but my advice to you would be to tell your husband the same thing I told mine. If he wants to stay where he is, fine, but you don't want to hear about it anymore. If he's not willing to make a change than he can deal with it. I also wouldn't be applying for jobs for him. He is a big boy and can do that himself.It is also part of being an adult IMO. For sure help him look and let him know of jobs you see but he needs to be doing the bulk of the work himself. If he really wants too he will find the time and energy to do so. He will also feel so much better about himself if he does this and have confidence in himself that he can take his own path in his hands and be the master of his future. It's horrible to say but sometimes men are like children...they need some poking and prodding but they are fully capable of doing things on their own and need to be given that opportunity so they can shine.

    I hope things work out for you guys! I know how hard it is when one or both of you resent your jobs and want more out of life. Nobody is going to change that but yourselves though! Good Luck!!

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    I can't give you any advice in that area, sorry. Except to say that I get what you mean about taking a backseat to his job. I also had my son right out of university, and have never actually used my degree either (although it's an ed degree... So teeeechnically I have, but dealing with preschoolers is a hell of a lot different than teaching high school science).

    My husband did his diploma straight out of high school, and like most trades, it's really only applicable for one specific thing. And it's near impossible to get a teaching job near/in the city, most of my friends have had to move away to a small town for experience first. Not really a possibility for someone with a husband and two kids. Him finding another job in a smaller town wouldn't necessarily be difficult, but it would be a huge pay decrease, and he's moved quite high in the company in the time he's been there.

    But I get your frustration. It's so hard to know that in another life, you'd be able to do more (one of my friends got a vice principal job this year... I have yet to get an interview).
    Last edited by 2cuteboys; 06-24-2014 at 02:55 PM. Reason: God awful grammar

  7. #7
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    Thank you guys so much for your responses. Playfelt, I wish we could afford to have him stay home, but there is no way he would survive doing daycare, and I wouldn't be able to find a job here that pays enough to support us all with all of our student debt. I have a degree in European Studies and German, and would really need to move to a bigger city to find a job in the field...but a bigger city means higher house prices, so still the need for him to work.

    Good to know others have had this problem too...men really do seem like children sometimes...you should see him when he's sick or gets a sunburn!

    I just really want a career that I can get something out of, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and maybe that's a lot to ask for, but I'm not even getting the opportunity to try, with his current job and lack of motivation to get a new one. We'll see how it goes tonight when I try to have a serious discussion with him.

    Thanks again!

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  9. #8
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    Oh lord...the "man cold" is the worst!! Thankfully he has gotten better about that too because I don't put up with it anymore lol. It also helps that his mom is just 4 blocks away so I tell him he is more than welcome to go there when he is sick LOL

    I hope your conversation goes well and your husband realizes how important this is to you.

    I consider myself very lucky to be so young and know that this is what I want to do. I know some don't feel it's an important job but I take pleasure in knowing that I am helping raise the future. I get so much satisfaction when a child learns something I've been teaching and watching them develop into kind little people. For sure there are things that I hate about this job but that's going to be anywhere I work so I try to focus on the important things. (altho, after my vent to mickyc today through email she is probably thinking this is BS! lol)

  10. #9
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    lol 5LM - sometimes I wonder if you think I am telling the truth when I say I love my job - I complain a lot too! LOL

    Maybe CrazyEight you need to find a woman for support. I luckily have 5LM who I talk via email numerous times throughout the day and having that adult interaction and someone else who "gets my job" really helps.

    Yes my husband is just like a child! I personally don't mind applying for jobs for him. I don't mind and at least I know it gets done LOL.

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  12. #10
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    lol....good point mickyc! at least you know it's done

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