Support please

[Lee-Bee]

Lee-Bee I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think everyone has given you great advice.

Is your husband still willing to work on things or is he done? Sometimes no matter what you do to try and save a marriage there is no point in dragging out the inevitable. I know that isn't likely something you want to consider but for the sake of your daughter you need to really take a good look at your relationship and where your husband is at. I grew up in a household where the parents stayed together just for the kids and it was a nightmare. As a teen I begged my mom to finally leave and eventually she did. I love both of my parents but they were not meant to be together. Now they are both happy with someone else. It is hard sometimes but so much better than all the fighting and drama.

Don't worry about your families. Now don't take this the wrong way but as a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family I personally would not want my child kept in your care while all this was taking place anyways. You cannot devote the time and attention to the children and they will all feel the turmoil that is taking place. Not something as a parent would want my child to be a part of (something I try very hard in my marriage to not subject my own child to).

If your husband does not already have one foot out the door then I think it is a great idea to quit daycare, sell your supplies, and rent out your basement to pay down your loan. What about the option of only taking on a few children or even go to before/after school only? I too don't spend much time outside of daycare hours doing daycare things.

Also what is your husband doing to help the situation? Is he helping you around the house, with your daughter to give you time to be together. Or is he expecting you to be superwoman?

Over the last few months we've tried to make some changes to shift responsibilities some, but clearly not enough. My husband does help out, likely more so than most dads but with that comes the added pressure of him being a neat freak so needing the house cleaner than most etc. I can't meet that while working full time.

I don't yet know if he is fully checked out or not. Trying to figure that out. I took some insight from previous posts and just had a talk with him. I basically said that I don't understand how 'separating' helps to determine if he wants to be married or not but that I was not willing to give up on our marriage so I would comply with his need to separate, I will wait for him to figure out if he wants to put the effort in to trying to use every resource available to us to make this work or whether he wants to get a divorce and be done. I made it clear that I was not willing to give up but that I can't make things change if he isn't doing his share, meaning he needs to want to.

We'll see. I will take my daughter to visit family as planned, then return with her and I will set up home in the basement for a bit while he "thinks while separated'. I will provide childcare for him on his weeks of custody in exchange for living here with no rent (I have no income). Once he makes up his mind I will either move out or move back upstairs and will likely then rent out the basement to bring in some income so I can stay home and shift my time to being a mom/wife/housekeeper.

Hopefully with us being gone a week he clears his head and figures it out. I was in flight mode wanting out of here with a clean cut with everything all planned out asap. But I now realize that not only is that just no going to happen but that he does need time to figure things out on his end first. So I shall sit around and wait...oh joy. But, it's in the best interest of our daughter.

Part of this is escalated by the fact that his home growing up was more or less similar to yours. His parents divorced when he was a teenager but they clearly never were meant to be together and his mom and sister are controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive/draining. SO, he is extra, extra, extra sensitive to not being loved and understood and all that. SO I get why he is crumbing because things have just been to busy with not only having a baby but a daycare in the mix. BUT...in my opinion we have a child we are no longer just 2 adults that can split and go off to be happier (cause that ever happens) we need to do what we can for our daughters sake before we decide to divorce. I do not believe we need to divorce. We need a major shift so we can reset priorities. I frankly would sell the house and move into a 1 room condo so we can devote all time and energy to fixing things before I would just up and divorce. but he said he is too proud to sell his home. I explained I didn't mean we had to sell the house...but that we need to be willing to make some scarifies here (my income) etc. ok rambling...need to go wipe up my yogurt covered toddler.

[mickyc]

Good luck with everything! We are all here for you!

[Lee-Bee]

What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

Thanks...I've put the ball in my husband court to take some time and figure out what he wants. I made it clear that I was not willing to give up on our marriage. He said he needs time (undefined amount of time) to see if he wants a divorce or to see if over reacted and made a big mistake.

If he decides to try and work things out then we just need to get creative and make some sacrifices. If he is willing to flex on life a bit then money is not an issue. We have a second house we rent out. It could easily be sold and that money could pay off my debt and keep us going. Would he do that...doubt it. We are both of the mindset that my debt is mine and I really don't want him paying it off. I have always stressed about not pulling my weight...quitting work to have time and energy to devote to him and to fix things is a huge, huge step for me. It means he has to pick up my slack...and I hate that. But, if it helps I'll swallow my pride.

I HATE the idea of having someone living in our house. He proposed the plan awhile back and I shot it down. We don't need the income and I just don't like strangers in the house and the people they bring through...with a child now it freaks me out even more. But, I would be willing to take that leap if it helps bring in some money as a 'pretend income' for me. I can sell everything off (it's all good quality and near brand new) but I still doubt it'd bring in a huge amount second hand.

Anyways...the ball is in his court. I indeed have to sit around and see. Sucks to be me...but I will give him some time. Hopefully my being away with our daughter for a week is enough for him.

[Lee-Bee]

Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

I have no contacts of people nearby but sent them here. I was able to return this weeks fees (it was prepaid). I told them the deposits will come tomorrow or Wednesday. I had to transfer out of a savings account into my normal account to etransfer. With no expectation of closing the money was tucked away in a higher interest account.

So far I've heard from 3 of the 4 families and they have been very, very supportive. That helps wonders as closing was a huge stress on the already huge stress!

[Lee-Bee]

Phew...last family just responded. Very supportive as well. So relieved that there wasn't any stress created there. Can't take any more stress at the moment.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Glad to hear they were all supportive and understanding! Hope things continue to work out great for you!!

[Lee-Bee]

Glad to hear they were all supportive and understanding! Hope things continue to work out great for you!!

well, if things don't work out with my husband (really hope it does) then I now have a backup plan as 2 of my daycare families have come up with a plan of offering me the basement apartment in one of the families homes and both waiting until September for me to resume daycare in the new place. which would mean I can see my daughter all day on my husbands weeks with her (he would live 3min away) and I have a job and a place to live with my daughter and all that.

would still prefer to be back home with family but I can't be flying a toddler across the province every week so will likely have to live here for her sake.

still a sucky situation but I am wowed by what these families have done for me and my daughter (of course they benefit greatly in continued daycare for their kids). very much wowed right now.

I would likely just stick with the 2 families and my daughter for at least a few months until I get myself sorted out and my daughter eases into her new life.

[CrazyEight]

WOW, lee-bee, what amazing families you have!! They recognize good care when they see it! At least you have the fall-back option now, and you can take that worry off your plate.

[torontokids]

I'm curious what you told the families? It sounds like they got the full story?

I understand you would be in a tight spot if you need to move out but I would be wary about moving in with a client. I guess it would just mean your situation would be more like a nanny type arrangement? I would want to set up some very clear perimeters around this relationship.

My understanding would be that you do not have to move out if your ability to earn your income would be effected and in this case would become zero income.

[Lee-Bee]

I'm curious what you told the families? It sounds like they got the full story?

I understand you would be in a tight spot if you need to move out but I would be wary about moving in with a client. I guess it would just mean your situation would be more like a nanny type arrangement? I would want to set up some very clear perimeters around this relationship.

My understanding would be that you do not have to move out if your ability to earn your income would be effected and in this case would become zero income.

Oh no no no I would never move in with a daycare family!! it is a completely self contained rental unit. they sent some pics. separate entrance, separate kitchen, bath laundry and all that. still have to think it all over as yes it is connected to their hose we'd share the yard. but would be their caregiver as I was here not a live in nanny or anything.