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Thread: Support please

  1. #21
    Euphoric !
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    Sounds like it may a good temporary solution! I don't know if I would/could do it since I keep my private life separate from work but in a bind it would do until I could figure out something else!

    That is awesome that they're trying to help though!! Very nice

  2. #22
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    Can I put in some different advice ? Go slow !
    We as women have a problem =fix a problem . I fully understand feeling like things have to be figured out now , but I have been through hard times too , figured out everything , started to make the changes and then found away to work it out . I'm not suggesting I know the answers to your problems at all ! My head agrees with everything that has been said ! My experience tells me go slow .
    I won't go on and on about it , I know this is a major stressful time ! I feel for you !!!

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Secondtimearound View Post
    Can I put in some different advice ? Go slow !
    We as women have a problem =fix a problem . I fully understand feeling like things have to be figured out now , but I have been through hard times too , figured out everything , started to make the changes and then found away to work it out . I'm not suggesting I know the answers to your problems at all ! My head agrees with everything that has been said ! My experience tells me go slow .
    I won't go on and on about it , I know this is a major stressful time ! I feel for you !!!
    Thanks :-) I did tell this family that I am not in a position to make any decisions right now so would get back to them. But, their offer gave me focus. I went from a whirlwind of having no idea what to do to now realizing alright, worst case scenario I move out, nearby, run a daycare with my daughter in my care even on my husband's week. This makes everything less stressful as I have some direction. I have this offer of a place but now am looking at other places in the neighborhood figuring out general prices, what I would need money wise, number of kids wise and all that to make it work. Should I need to.

    I also realize that these 2 families have come up with this plan...but they came up with it the day I terminated care. They were likely shocked and reacting in their best interests...but may change their minds in the coming weeks so the plan they offered may not be viable.

    Life is less stressful right now knowing that I do have this option. This option keeps my daughter's life more stable and allows her and I more time together so ultimately less stress on her. She wouldn't have to be bounced back and forth between me and dad AND between different daycare etc. Just knowing that this is an option goes a long ways to reduce stress on my end.

    Again, that is all worst case scenario should my husband choose to not move forward to try and fix things, or at least attempt to before throwing in the towel.

    Things are calm here at the house so I have no need to leave immediately as much as that was my gut instinct. I'll slowly move forward, hopefully my husband figures things out on his end quickly.

    Thanks so much ladies. All the support and comments really have been incredibly helpful.

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  5. #24
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    Sorry you're going through such a rough time. That's amazing what the 2 families have offered you.
    I hope that everything works out for the best. Take care.

  6. #25
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, I really hope things work out for you and your family.

    Everything happens for a reason, right? No matter the outcome, you know you are a smart lady. You'll pick yourself up and be stronger (whether you continue with your relationship or not) for it!

  7. #26
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    What a week you have had to say the least! Sending big hugs your way.

    I am wondering something. Why do you feel the need to leave your family home? Why can't your husband leave if he decides a separation is what he wants. You want to work on the marriage and stay the course, so why would you and your daughter need to find a new home?

    I guess it is my legal background coming forward, but technically you are entitled to half of the matrimonial home and assets. He could buy you out of the house, should he so choose and then you could use the money to pay off your student loans. I am not meaning to sound harsh, but why does everything need to fall solely on your shoulders.

    It is respectful that you are willing to put in the effort to save your marriage, I 100% would do the same. But if he ultimately decides not to, then he does have his own accountability, including financially.

    I agree with the comment to take things slow and not make any rash decisions... including leaving the home. There are certain repercussions that could happen if you do that.

    All the best.

    p.s. So happy to hear that you have some of your peace returned knowing that you have options.

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  9. #27
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    Lee Bee...first, let me say how sorry I am you're going through this. Separation is awful. I'm divorced now for 13 years. I hope your plans of holding your family together will work out for you and I remember trying so hard to do the same thing. Should it not pan out, let me tell you that everything will be fine. It's scary as hell at first, but once you have your track, no matter which way it goes, you'll get focus and come out alright on the other end. Please, as one nurturer to another, please don't bend yourself into a pretzel to appease your husband to make it work. It's a joint effort. If you don't see your efforts being reciprocated, pay attention to that.

    And...now to be a complete killjoy....but I'm concerned about the fact that you're leaving the family home. Is your child going to remain living at the marital home? Please reconsider this idea. I was advised very strongly by my attorney that this was a very bad idea and could jeopardize my ability to retain custody of my children, should things go south....which despite my best efforts, they did. Please don't be offended and I understand what you're trying to do in the best interests of your marriage. However, the fact that he's asked for a separation, to me, says that you may need to consider your own best interests as well, just in case you're not both on the same page through this whole journey.

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  11. #28
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    I can honestly say that doing daycare is one of the HARDEST things I have ever done. Emotionally, fiscally, and in every other way possible..but the truth is as hard as my husband can be on me he understands that this is best for everyone, as he at least gets that I am doing this for my son, and for him.

    Has he given up, or can you guys get some help? I would hate to see everything be over because of daycare.

    Here are some of the things I have some to lessen the "burden on my family"

    1. I have a student come in once a week to do clean for minimum wage, she enjoys the extra cash, and sometimes serves as my sub when available.

    2. I no longer have any ft kids, rather I have all pt's and make up my income that way, as well as teaching EAL pt, so I have Monday afternoons off, and all of my children are gone by 6 pm every other full day. (I teach EAL, on evening and weekend, not labour intensive at all)

    3. I now have "chore deligations." and these are chores that he always does or we take turns, or that I always do. I also involve my son in this as much as possible.

    I hope this helps, and good luck.

  12. #29
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    The house is his. He comes from money and is a financial guru that makes 5fold of what I make. He chose the better career money wise.

    I did not come from money, don't need much money and don't need much stuff.

    When we moved in together 6 years ago we got a cohabitation agreement it says something along the lines of the house and stuff is his...this holds through marriage. Having a kid might have changed some of that but I have zero interest in his stuff or my half of his stuff.

    Our agreement does say I can stay till needed (within reason) and he is telling me the same thing. he's offered that I can stay and keep the daycare going until things all fall into place. but I have zero interest of running a business in my ex's house...should we move ahead. I also have nothing in me to keep the daycare open so it is already closed.

    he also has to provide me with first and last months rent if and when I should move out to get me started. and frankly he would help out more if needed. he's not being mean at all. he's being an idiot. this is how he works..it is not intentional he just goes into this mood where all he sees is negative and he needs to snap out of it. this of course is much worse than usual. he's also overly emotional and sensitive and it doesn't help that he's been feeling ignored for so long. as much as that is life...he is unable to see that right now.

    anyways. it would be me moving out. we'd be doing joint custody and neither of us would really try to fight for anything else. it will devastate him as much as me to split time with our daughter he is very attached to her...and while he possibly does more than most dads care wise (still no where near a fair share) he spends a lot of play time with her.

    frankly I would prefer he stays in this house with her...because it is familiar and hers. she will quickly adapt to a new place with me, more so than with him I think because I can keep everything else the same whereas he'd be starting new with all the child caring duties.

    all that said. still completely up in the air. I am still here in the guest room, we are trying to talk things over. talking to a brick wall mostly but trying. things are calm and nice, there's no hate or anything. but I could really, really smack him upside the head.

    if HE wants a divorce HE needs to take ownership of it and HE needs to make it official and HE needs to do it while I am here, being calm and nice and fighting against it. I will not do anything to allow him to easily justify it. because it is nonsense.

    not saying it won't take a lot of therapy as a couple and for each of us and it will take a lot of time and effort. and i'm not saying I don't suck at many things (nor does he). but this is NOT necessary. life is not greener on the other side of the fence and the issues at hand will just follow each of us (he's over sensitive and needs more love and attention than a working wife, with a child, and a huge house to clean can give) and I grew up in a sarcastic family and find it hard when I am overwhelmed with too much responsibility to not just roll my eyes and joke or otherwise miss the mark on just giving him the pity he needs to get over the moment. and, he remembers every moment I didn't give what he needs so it stews.

    totally fixable should he decide it's worth fixing. we wait and wait and see what he opts for.

  13. #30
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    Lee-Bee - I also want to say that I think you sound like you are really level headed. I used to work in a law office and have witnessed so much hate and bitterness when it comes to divorce. I witnessed first hand the battle my parents went through and then lived it with my husband and his extremely vengeful ex-wife. There is no reason to drag everything through the court system and I am so glad to hear that you have the basics sorted out if/when you leave the family home.

    Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing.

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