Support please

[Lee-Bee]

Hi Ladies. Just looking for a bit of support.

In short: I started my daycare in January, have a full house and as much as I enjoy it I am closing my daycare, effective immediately. My husband has requested a separation. He is feeling like he is the left-overs, at the bottom of the priority list. As much as that is true...he is not at the bottom, I am as our daughter and the daycare have taken over any and all time and energy. We were starting to try and shift things so we had more 'us time' etc but clearly it was too late.

With a 16month old, working 10hr days plus time before and after for cleaning, food prep and everything this job entails. Plus having housework, cooking, cleaning, bedtime routine, waking a few times a night with a kid that doesn't sleep through the night...on and on. Well it's been a bit of a struggle on our relationship the last 6 months (not that there weren't struggles prior to that).

Anyways. I was booked for vacation all of next week. I had wanted to pull my act together over the weekend and give notice and do care this week giving 2 weeks notice (this week and my vacation week) as per my contract.

BUT I can't do it. I used a sick day today. I am clearly not going to be able to pull my shit together to be open this week. my daughter is already sensing the turmoil and is acting up and I just can't handle caring for 5 kids all week while trying to figure out where I am going to live, how to do spilt custody when all my family lives 21hrs away.

I am about to send out a letter terminating care. I will return this weeks pay and their 2 week deposits via email transfers. I know this is very wrong (terming immediately) and will screw over the families this week as they scramble for care for this week and for long term. But I just can't take care of other children when I am scrambling to take care of myself and my own child.

[torontokids]

I am so sorry. Is there no way you guys can figure this out in the short term now that the daycare will be closing? Have you guys sought counselling or is he just "done?"

I totally understand what you are saying about not having a lot to give at the end of the day. I think as much as a lot of us do this for our kids and our family, these people are most often the ones that are most impacted by the running of a home daycare.

[torontokids]

Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

[Lee-Bee]

Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

I have no contacts of people nearby but sent them here. I was able to return this weeks fees (it was prepaid). I told them the deposits will come tomorrow or Wednesday. I had to transfer out of a savings account into my normal account to etransfer. With no expectation of closing the money was tucked away in a higher interest account.

So far I've heard from 3 of the 4 families and they have been very, very supportive. That helps wonders as closing was a huge stress on the already huge stress!

[Lee-Bee]

Thanks. I don't know about the future. We talked a lot last night but I don't think it got us far. I made it clear to him that I felt we were failing our child if we didn't exhaust every available resource (counselling) before ripping her world apart. And he was/is thinking about it. When he asked if I truly thought counselling would fix it, for good not for 6 months I said that I honestly did BUT that I can't be the 6 people I am currently trying to be and that I need to quit work to be a full-time mom/wife/housekeeper and have a few minutes to take care of myself. That just led us back to the issue of my student debt...which the daycare has just started to allow me to pay off. I close the daycare I have a $30,000 debt. so I need to work...if I work then I have to try and be 6 people.
We make enough money to live on one income. but the student loans mess things up. There I the option of perhaps my closing the daycare and turning the daycare into a rental and having someone live in our basement (has everything down there) and their rent would pay my student debt.

but we are both a wreck right now. I am stressed and panicked and I just don't want to be under this roof right now with a husband that wants a separation. I need to pull myself together. he is being very calm and kind and compassionate and level headed. I am not. i am doing everything i can to remain nice and kind in return but my world has been flipped upside down my husband is walking around with no wedding ring on and i am an emotional wreck. my daughter knows it...she is acting out when around me and is really feeling it. i need to remove myself so i can clear myself of that emotion, at least enough that she isn't feeding off it.

Thanks so much ladies...already allowing me to think a tad bit clearer. what sucks even more is that large majority of our friends are joint friends so everyone local is stuck i in the middle if i run to them and vent. all my family and my friends are 21 hours away. they are all in shock now and are very supportive and helpful but all the offers of free places to live don't help me when it is 21 hours away and i need to find the cash to fly my daughter back and forth weekly to share her. gahhhhhhh life as an adult sucks, royally. Wish i could go sit in the sandbox and eat sand all day without a care in the world.

[CrazyEight]

Oh I am so sorry. This is something my husband and I have been having issues with too, him thinking that he is on the bottom. We have 3 kids under 6, plus 4-5 daycare kids everyday. It's been really hard; when the house is finally quiet and they're all asleep, all I want is to curl up with some tea and have everyone leave me ALONE for a bit, before the baby wakes up. At this point I feel horribly guilty that he feels the way he does, but at this moment there's not a lot I can do about it.

I feel your pain so, so much, and I hope this all works out for you. One risk families take when going with home care is things like this happening suddenly. Their children get a family atmosphere, which is worth it, but something things happen in families that you can't plan for. They will understand, and they will figure it out. You are already feeling stressed enough; let it go and focus on you and your daughter.

I agree with torontokids, if you know of any other providers, maybe try to send your clients their way?

Stay strong, take a deep breath, and take things one at a time. Hugs to you.

[torontokids]

What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

[Lee-Bee]

What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

Thanks...I've put the ball in my husband court to take some time and figure out what he wants. I made it clear that I was not willing to give up on our marriage. He said he needs time (undefined amount of time) to see if he wants a divorce or to see if over reacted and made a big mistake.

If he decides to try and work things out then we just need to get creative and make some sacrifices. If he is willing to flex on life a bit then money is not an issue. We have a second house we rent out. It could easily be sold and that money could pay off my debt and keep us going. Would he do that...doubt it. We are both of the mindset that my debt is mine and I really don't want him paying it off. I have always stressed about not pulling my weight...quitting work to have time and energy to devote to him and to fix things is a huge, huge step for me. It means he has to pick up my slack...and I hate that. But, if it helps I'll swallow my pride.

I HATE the idea of having someone living in our house. He proposed the plan awhile back and I shot it down. We don't need the income and I just don't like strangers in the house and the people they bring through...with a child now it freaks me out even more. But, I would be willing to take that leap if it helps bring in some money as a 'pretend income' for me. I can sell everything off (it's all good quality and near brand new) but I still doubt it'd bring in a huge amount second hand.

Anyways...the ball is in his court. I indeed have to sit around and see. Sucks to be me...but I will give him some time. Hopefully my being away with our daughter for a week is enough for him.

[Lou]

Oh Lee, I'm so sorry. The other ladies offered some wonderful advice. (((hugs)))

[Teagansmom]

So sorry you are going through all this. I agree with the others part of being in a home daycare runs the risk of things just coming up. Take care of yourself and your daughter, follow your instincts and listen to your gut. Hugs