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Thread: Support please

  1. #1
    Euphoric !
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    Support please

    Hi Ladies. Just looking for a bit of support.

    In short: I started my daycare in January, have a full house and as much as I enjoy it I am closing my daycare, effective immediately. My husband has requested a separation. He is feeling like he is the left-overs, at the bottom of the priority list. As much as that is true...he is not at the bottom, I am as our daughter and the daycare have taken over any and all time and energy. We were starting to try and shift things so we had more 'us time' etc but clearly it was too late.

    With a 16month old, working 10hr days plus time before and after for cleaning, food prep and everything this job entails. Plus having housework, cooking, cleaning, bedtime routine, waking a few times a night with a kid that doesn't sleep through the night...on and on. Well it's been a bit of a struggle on our relationship the last 6 months (not that there weren't struggles prior to that).

    Anyways. I was booked for vacation all of next week. I had wanted to pull my act together over the weekend and give notice and do care this week giving 2 weeks notice (this week and my vacation week) as per my contract.

    BUT I can't do it. I used a sick day today. I am clearly not going to be able to pull my shit together to be open this week. my daughter is already sensing the turmoil and is acting up and I just can't handle caring for 5 kids all week while trying to figure out where I am going to live, how to do spilt custody when all my family lives 21hrs away.

    I am about to send out a letter terminating care. I will return this weeks pay and their 2 week deposits via email transfers. I know this is very wrong (terming immediately) and will screw over the families this week as they scramble for care for this week and for long term. But I just can't take care of other children when I am scrambling to take care of myself and my own child.

  2. #2
    Euphoric !
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    I am so sorry. Is there no way you guys can figure this out in the short term now that the daycare will be closing? Have you guys sought counselling or is he just "done?"

    I totally understand what you are saying about not having a lot to give at the end of the day. I think as much as a lot of us do this for our kids and our family, these people are most often the ones that are most impacted by the running of a home daycare.

  3. #3
    Euphoric !
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    Yes, the families will be scrambling but these things happen, don't worry about them, they'll figure it out. Do what you need to do. I think an email with the included deposit returned will keep things clean and help them to move forward without a lot of wondering re: the deposit. If you know of other providers I would recommend you pass along their names to parents as well.

  4. #4
    Euphoric !
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    Thanks. I don't know about the future. We talked a lot last night but I don't think it got us far. I made it clear to him that I felt we were failing our child if we didn't exhaust every available resource (counselling) before ripping her world apart. And he was/is thinking about it. When he asked if I truly thought counselling would fix it, for good not for 6 months I said that I honestly did BUT that I can't be the 6 people I am currently trying to be and that I need to quit work to be a full-time mom/wife/housekeeper and have a few minutes to take care of myself. That just led us back to the issue of my student debt...which the daycare has just started to allow me to pay off. I close the daycare I have a $30,000 debt. so I need to work...if I work then I have to try and be 6 people.
    We make enough money to live on one income. but the student loans mess things up. There I the option of perhaps my closing the daycare and turning the daycare into a rental and having someone live in our basement (has everything down there) and their rent would pay my student debt.

    but we are both a wreck right now. I am stressed and panicked and I just don't want to be under this roof right now with a husband that wants a separation. I need to pull myself together. he is being very calm and kind and compassionate and level headed. I am not. i am doing everything i can to remain nice and kind in return but my world has been flipped upside down my husband is walking around with no wedding ring on and i am an emotional wreck. my daughter knows it...she is acting out when around me and is really feeling it. i need to remove myself so i can clear myself of that emotion, at least enough that she isn't feeding off it.

    Thanks so much ladies...already allowing me to think a tad bit clearer. what sucks even more is that large majority of our friends are joint friends so everyone local is stuck i in the middle if i run to them and vent. all my family and my friends are 21 hours away. they are all in shock now and are very supportive and helpful but all the offers of free places to live don't help me when it is 21 hours away and i need to find the cash to fly my daughter back and forth weekly to share her. gahhhhhhh life as an adult sucks, royally. Wish i could go sit in the sandbox and eat sand all day without a care in the world.

  5. #5
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    Oh I am so sorry. This is something my husband and I have been having issues with too, him thinking that he is on the bottom. We have 3 kids under 6, plus 4-5 daycare kids everyday. It's been really hard; when the house is finally quiet and they're all asleep, all I want is to curl up with some tea and have everyone leave me ALONE for a bit, before the baby wakes up. At this point I feel horribly guilty that he feels the way he does, but at this moment there's not a lot I can do about it.

    I feel your pain so, so much, and I hope this all works out for you. One risk families take when going with home care is things like this happening suddenly. Their children get a family atmosphere, which is worth it, but something things happen in families that you can't plan for. They will understand, and they will figure it out. You are already feeling stressed enough; let it go and focus on you and your daughter.

    I agree with torontokids, if you know of any other providers, maybe try to send your clients their way?

    Stay strong, take a deep breath, and take things one at a time. Hugs to you.

  6. #6
    Euphoric !
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    What about renting the basement out as you suggested. You take your vacation with your daughter to get in better head space. Maybe see your family so you have offers of childcare and you can take time for yourself. Start selling off your daycare stuff and throw that money at your debt or look into refinancing your mortgage and use that money to pay off your debt. Then you have just one bill that once amortized over 20 yrs is not that substantial and may be more manageable. You could also look at part time work one or two evenings a week to help out and get you out of the house so you can start to get your identity back.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to torontokids For This Useful Post:

    Lou

  8. #7
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    Oh Lee, I'm so sorry. The other ladies offered some wonderful advice. (((hugs)))

  9. #8
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    So sorry you are going through all this. I agree with the others part of being in a home daycare runs the risk of things just coming up. Take care of yourself and your daughter, follow your instincts and listen to your gut. Hugs

  10. #9
    Euphoric !
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    I am sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I agree with the others, take care of yourself and your family first and the dc families will just have to understand. Try not to take on that stress when you already have so many other things that you will need to focus your energy on.

    I hope that you and husband are able to work through this if that is what both of you want. You say that you can live on one income but that the dc money is paying your student loans, if I understand correctly? You also say that you enjoy doing the hdc so what about if you continue to do so but cut back your families? Maybe only have 2-3 families instead of 5? Renting out the basement would be a good idea too if your husband is just wanting the dc to go completely. Just remember, try not too lose yourself over this either. I understand that you most likely want your relationship to work but don't give up on things that make you happy either! (I don't mean to offend with this comment so I hope I haven't done so!! It's not my intention)

    My fiance used to hate the dc in the beginning (and I'm sure still does from time to time!) but we can't live off just his income and I make more now than I did out of the home, so it basically came down to him just having to accept it. We have had more than our fair share of arguments over it but in the end, it really is what is best for us at this time. It is a bit different for us in that he works evenings so unfortunately, whether he likes it or not, he sees the dc and the kids a lot! He has come around and actually enjoys the dc more than he lets on (he has even started buying "me" xmas presents that are really for the dc....we had a talk about that!! lol) so I do hope that you and your husband are able to find a solution that makes both of you happy!!!

    I don't have kids but one of the things that I do that helps our relationship, is that I do almost zero dc work in my free time. (well other than grocery shopping and responding to emails and such when needed) I am a HUGE multi-tasker and I clean during dc hours, I do interviews during dc hours, I do as much baking and cooking as I can with only the odd Sunday spent cooking for the week. I try to treat my dcspace as if it's not there when it's the weekend. If I need to do something, it can wait until dc hours for the most part. This allows me to spend quality time with my fiance. Having a business in the home, it is easy for us to spend WAY more time on it than working out of the home and it's not healthy.

    I wish you all the best and hope that you and your husband can take some time together and figure out what the next step will be! Whatever it is, you will be fine and will come out stronger!!

  11. #10
    Euphoric !
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    Lee-Bee I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think everyone has given you great advice.

    Is your husband still willing to work on things or is he done? Sometimes no matter what you do to try and save a marriage there is no point in dragging out the inevitable. I know that isn't likely something you want to consider but for the sake of your daughter you need to really take a good look at your relationship and where your husband is at. I grew up in a household where the parents stayed together just for the kids and it was a nightmare. As a teen I begged my mom to finally leave and eventually she did. I love both of my parents but they were not meant to be together. Now they are both happy with someone else. It is hard sometimes but so much better than all the fighting and drama.

    Don't worry about your families. Now don't take this the wrong way but as a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family I personally would not want my child kept in your care while all this was taking place anyways. You cannot devote the time and attention to the children and they will all feel the turmoil that is taking place. Not something as a parent would want my child to be a part of (something I try very hard in my marriage to not subject my own child to).

    If your husband does not already have one foot out the door then I think it is a great idea to quit daycare, sell your supplies, and rent out your basement to pay down your loan. What about the option of only taking on a few children or even go to before/after school only? I too don't spend much time outside of daycare hours doing daycare things.

    Also what is your husband doing to help the situation? Is he helping you around the house, with your daughter to give you time to be together. Or is he expecting you to be superwoman?

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