Advice and wisdom appreiated

[torontokids]

I have posted about this boy before but I just need some input please as we are now 3 mos in.

DCB is now 15 mos, came to me 3 mos a go and was one yrs old. He was not walking and is now an active and fairly capable walker and has been for the last few weeks. He did not transition well. He cried a lot in the beginning, went on a hunger strike and his sleeping was poor. We have made huge gains. He eats well and sleeps well now but is still a big suck and cries. Our issues are that he wants to be held a lot. I tend not to pick the kids up a ton but he just seems to need it. I never had this with any other kid as they have all been pretty secure, confidant and ready to play/explore. He explores some but looses interest quite quickly. He loves me, I know he is quite attached to me but I find him too much. At the end of the day especially he will scream outside and is only happy if he is held. I have been holding him because it is usually the last 10 mins of the day and I am sure he is tired and his little internal clock is letting him know that daddy is coming but I really just want him to be content so he doesn't need this. I give kids hugs and I play with them but truly the kids are encouraged to play with each other and I leave them be. He does not seem to like this style. This morning we did our "teddy bear picnic" (thanks AmandaKDT) and the kids were all having so much fun and he just kept screaming. I left him to scream (after trying to distract and redirect him to join us) but we could not play our activities. I felt badly for the other kids who were nothing but excited. I ended up holding him for a bit and getting the kids involved in something else but I have kind of had it. I feel a little bit held hostage by him.

Not sure what to do. Leaving him to scream has helped a little but he just seems to be a kid that needs more holding. What would you do? I love him and his parents but I don't know. He needs a lot of my attention. I have been hoping he will outgrow this and he is still young but it's been 3 mos. Advice?

[5 Little Monkeys]

I have one that sounds like yours! He is 16 months and not walking yet but does walk with things (push toys, holding onto things) now that he's been at daycare for a couple months. He is normally a good child and mom is great. However, I get the feeling he is a bit babied at home. He doesn't make an effort to walk without the aide of something, he scream cries if he can't see me, he is miserable if he doesn't get his morning nap or is hungry and cries like crazy until he's fed. He prefers to be held and I have been carrying him up and down the stairs because with 3 kids who can run up them, they just don't have the patience to wait for him while he crawls up them.

I don't have much advice sorry lol but I will be watching this thread. My saving grace has been that my other kids are walkers and pretty independent! They are all content to free play which frees me up to deal with him when need be. I alternate between tough love and letting him cry and picking him up. I'm like you and hoping this stage is outgrown soon!

[mickyc]

I have a 16 month old too that is a suck and is babied at home. I don't get into the habit of holding the children a lot or entertaining them. He has been with me for 3 months now and still sometimes freaks out when he can't see me etc. I just bend down and give hugs as needed, usually hold him for a few minutes at drop off when mom comes in (holding him) but he just has to go play. I think you just need to put him down and he will eventually get it. Still lots of hugs but no need to be held constantly.

[blackcomb]

Mine needed lots of cuddles at that age, and still does, I was an attachment parent, maybe he is used to that too.. it's his security to be cuddled, and due to his age too I'd say.

That said, if it's too much for you gently let his parents know that you are mainly now doing older children not babies so to be fair to theirs it would be best if they find one that takes more babies than older toddlers, nice way to put it and fair to you and them. They can get over stimilated at this age and that could be an affect it's having on him, and mine for one likes a quieter environment not noisy screaming loud children (much as I do ha). Hungry, tired of course can also be a factor, ensure nap times for this one and snacks, fed ongoing, toileted regularly to stay comfortable.

I like MickyC's response though, and would go with that one more if you can..

[kellykelly1847]

Hi,
Instead of just bending over and giving the child a hug to make him feel better, try getting down on the floor this puts you at his level without picking him up, from this position you can either have him sitting down beside you ,infront, whatever, as well as getting his attention focused on floor toys or start singing a song, using ur hands too .
good luck

[playfelt]

Speak with the parents about how much they are holding him, entertaining him, never letting him out of the sight attention of one parent or the other. We are only one parent and there is no other adult to entertain the child while we make lunch, change a diaper or read a story at circletime. They need to get on board with teaching the child that he can be self-sufficient and rely on himself to be happy and not something external. Sometimes a child that likes to be held will do well in a stroller with the hood up and blankets - helps muffle the sound and gives him the pressure that consoles him. I don't get right down to eye level with this type of child because it is like teasing as in it says come here I am going to pick you up. I do the stand beside, pull them in close, pat their head, shoulders etc. but leave them on the floor. Again picking them and putting them down is confusing so unless you plan to pick up and carry for awhile do the snuggle only.

[kassiemom]

its tough. At the beginning you want him to trust you and form an attachment so holding and cuddling more is needed and expected. however as time passes he needs to learn to trust himself and learn to self sooth while knowing you are still close by. I had this trouble with a DCB earlier in the year with sleeping, he wouldn't nap without me holding him but by 3 months i was so over that and with the help of this site i just put him in the playpen and let him cry it out and he caught on quickly! just stay strong and if you can deal with the crying let him cry while verbally acknowledging him every once and a while. also keep communication open with the parents and see what he is like at home.

[mickyc]

I like to follow the motto - start as you want to end. So if you want the end result to be a child who doesn't require being held all day long then don't start it, even though he is new and transitioning.

I think we need to give kids more credit than we do. They adapt quickly if you are consistent and learn what is expected. We are usually dealing with children over 12 months of age and they have the ability for the most part to catch on to things. Each child is different and some need more affection and attention to transition but this child has been with you for over 3 months so it is time to let him scream and self soothe.

[Rachael]

I agree with mickyc. From day one, I don't pick up a day care child unless they are hurt. Yes, it's hard, especially the first week or so where they are just adjusting to a day care environment.

I will go down to their level and am normally on the floor with them and I don't mind at all if someone plonks themselves on my lap but I find it way easier to start this way, and lighten up, then to break the habit of a child who wants picking up all the time from the get go.