Lower ratio = less work?

[Katskids]

First...I'm very sorry you are going through a hard time.

I know you didn't ask for opinions but your husband is not a husband. He sounds like a control freak. He wants a super clean house....clean it himself or pay someone to do it!!!!! You are not a live in house keeper!!!

As for the money thing, ridiculous! We have separate accounts too but that doesn't mean my husband is in control of everything we spend. He makes more than enough to pay for everything so he does. I buy groceries and anything the kids need(clothes, activities etc.). If I think we need something I can't cover, I tell him and he buys it.

Please work out what you need for yourself. You are not a slave. You can't do everything and if that's what he expects he's sorely mistaken. You are a human being and a wonderful mother. You two are supposed to be in this together, no his/her's jobs or money.

[Lee-Bee]

First...I'm very sorry you are going through a hard time.

I know you didn't ask for opinions but your husband is not a husband. He sounds like a control freak. He wants a super clean house....clean it himself or pay someone to do it!!!!! You are not a live in house keeper!!!

As for the money thing, ridiculous! We have separate accounts too but that doesn't mean my husband is in control of everything we spend. He makes more than enough to pay for everything so he does. I buy groceries and anything the kids need(clothes, activities etc.). If I think we need something I can't cover, I tell him and he buys it.

Please work out what you need for yourself. You are not a slave. You can't do everything and if that's what he expects he's sorely mistaken. You are a human being and a wonderful mother. You two are supposed to be in this together, no his/her's jobs or money.

:-) I wouldn't consider him a control freak...neat freak -yes, anal -yes, obsessive compulsive -yes, wayyyy too in the box (like measured 1 million times from every angle to be EXACTLY centred in the box) -yes. But he isn't 'controlling'. He IS the man I married. I dated him 3 yrs before we married (4yrs ago), I lived with him for like 1.5yrs before we married (can't for the life of me remember how long I lived with him).

I knew the man I was marrying. We worked hard to get things figured out and he had to change and 'loosen up' up a lot to be able to live together. While he adapts and changes as needed he is who he is...and that is largely due to his engineering tendencies (or he is an engineering due to all his tendencies) and just based on his life growing up (which is a whole other story). As much as he drives me up the wall at times...those are the same reasons I love him. I have just as many quirks that drive him up the wall. The main issue here is that we had our roles when we married and it worked for us...then we had a kid, then I opened a business (with an infant). Neither of us really adapted our roles to account for the fact that live changed big time when we had a kid and life changed big time when I opened a business.

He's wanted to hire a cleaner and someone to cook and he has hired a gardener. I refused the cleaner and the cook because those the things I WANT to do. I don't want to work and have to have hired help do stuff around the house for me. I am certain that while it might have freed up a little but of time for me it would not have changed much for me and would not have been the solution. I need to be present at home and not be putting my all into my work.

But...I am also incredibly stubborn and I find it incredibly hard to seek help so I work myself into the ground trying to work full time and be a wife and mom (ignoring my own needs) and it also kills me to fully be a stay at home mom/wife with no incoming money of my own. Which leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place...hence my trying to figure out my next move. My trying to figure this out is me trying to figure out what I NEED. I just have no idea what I need more...having zero work (and therefore zero money) or my working a bit in some capacity but thereby giving up some of my time and energy for my family/home/me.

I've got little to no doubt that we can work out our relationship and be married happily ever after...I just can't for the life of me figure out what I need to do on the work front to ensure that it doesn't just put me in a position here I am not happy long term or I am not drowning in trying to be perfect at too many roles.

[daycaremom9]

You sound a lot like I felt when our children were little but I think it was more me feeling like I wasn't contributing than my hubby making me feel that way. Now we've been married 28 years and we drive each other crazy at times but are very happily married. I now believe that I made a huge contribution to our lives together. It sounds like finances aren't an issue so could it be you put all this pressure on yourself unnecessarily?