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  1. #1
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    Daughter will not go to school

    Just wondering if anyone has experience with their own children not wanting to go to school. My daughter just started JK a few weeks ago and it has been a huge struggle. She cries, and refuses to go on the bus, or even be driven. She wants to stay at home with me and the daycare kids. I try bribing her with everything! She is not shy, she went to camp no problem this summer. She is outgoing and has fun when she does go to school. I got her to go no problem last Monday-Thursday so I thought she was over it, but now she has not gone Friday, Monday or today.
    Do I keep trying, or give up and let her stay home?

  2. #2
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    I personally would not allow a choice in this (unless you want to home school your child). I think when kids struggle with or are anxious about something it can make things more difficult if they are allowed to not go. Not going relieves their anxiety that moment/day and reinforces that school is a problem (makes them feel anxious). They also learn that they can throw a fit or whatever and get to stay home.

    You haven't described what her behaviour looks like. Is this severe anxiety or just behaviour based (e.g. got her way one time so tries again).

    You could call the school and arrange a time to meet her teacher with your daughter and they could come up with a plan with you. If your daughter feels the teacher is on her side or knows what is going on they could come up with a code word when she's feeling overwhelmed etc. From what you did say (went to camp fine) my guess is she just wants to stay with you because she feels she is missing out. I would plan a special activity for you and her after school everyday if she goes without a fuss. Also, give her some kind of a token (necklace, a sticker) she can rub when she misses you. I put a tattoo on my daughter's hand the first 2 weeks of school and now I just have to kiss her hand and she is good to go.

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  4. #3
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    This might sound harsh, but I'm not trying to be. The problem is that you are giving her the option to stay home. She has learned that if she makes a big enough stink then you will give in and let her stay home...so, she will continue to pitch a fit in the mornings until she realizes that 100% of the time you will follow through in what you want her to do. If you want her to go to school, then she must go to school. Refuses to go on the bus or be driven? I'm not understanding this. She is 4 and you are the parent. Give her a big hug, tell her you love her and that you will se her when she comes home and put her on the bus every single day. Regardless of her tantrum.If you would like to wait a year or two on the bus then put her in the car, drive her to school and drop her off with her teacher or yard duty staff. After a couple weeks of consistency, routine, and follow through she will let go of the attempts to sway you, and begin to let herself enjoy her day at school. It's hard to say goodbye to your kids when they are crying and asking for you, I completely empathize...but kids shouldn't get what they want by crying and tantrumming. I hope it gets better soon!!

  5. #4
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    Toronto- the tattoo idea is cute, reminds me of The Kissing Hand

  6. #5
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    Thanks ladies. I cannot physically force her to go. I have 5 other kids I'm am watching plus her, so unfortunately can't drag her down the street to the bus while caring for 5 others. She cries and throws tantrums. I tried that one day, not fun, and not fair to anyone. That is my problem.....it makes it really difficult. She has put special things in her bag which has worked occasionally. I'm still trying every day...but at a certain point yes she does 'win'. She says she misses me and is sad at school.
    I have asked her teacher and the school admin for advice and they have none. Great, I know.

  7. #6
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    I agree with the others. Her going to school is not negotiable. She has found what works in order to stay home. You are the parent, the rules are the rules, if she has a commitment she needs to learn that these things must be followed through regardless if she enjoys it or not - good life lesson. Don't give in any further and no more bribing! I would give the teacher a head's up on what is going on so that she knows your daughter is going to be miserable for the next few weeks.

    This is just like transitioning a child into daycare.

    I am confused though. You cannot physically force her to go? Does she walk to the bus alone? You need to somehow figure out how to get her there no questions asked. What are you going to do when she begins school and MUST go. Nip it in the bud right now.
    Last edited by mickyc; 09-30-2014 at 01:23 PM.

  8. #7
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    Or arrange for someone else to take her to school if it is something you can not do.

  9. #8
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    You have time until the snow comes so get this under control now. Leave early and walk her to the bus stop. Every time she pitches a fit leave her to do so (you stand with the DC kids in the stroller, ignore the tantrum) when she's done then continue walking to the bus. If you are rushed/she feels rushed, this won't help matters.

    Or- Can your partner/MIL/neighbour leave for work a little later the next 2 wks to walk her to the bus? Do you have someone that can watch the DC kids for a brief time while you take her just until the routine is in place?

  10. #9
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    Just to be fair I will take the other side of this because I know a family dealing with the same issue. This child was in a daycare centre since age 1 so used to a group, separating from parent etc without issues. His JK class has 40 kids in it and a teacher and EA so he went from a 1-12 ratio to a 1 - 20 so that is part of the problem but the most is the noise and confusion in the classroom is just too overwhelming. The parent has had the chance to visit the school and observe from outside and seen days when child was fine sitting in circle/storytime or painting etc but other days when kids were more restless in unorganized free for all "freeplay" and he was cowering in the corner unnoticed for the most part.

    Can you get her talking about school and the parts she likes and the people she likes and the parts that are her least favourite and see if you find some patterns.

    I agree that the option to just stay home is not helping in that she doesn't have to face her fears.

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  12. #10
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    I'm so polar opposite lol ! It's jk ! So plenty of time for school . I opted out of jk and kindergarten . She's prob doing so much crafts and unit studies with your dayhome and socializing as well she is basically having jk needs met .
    I do not agree with the idea that socializing and early formal education is such a needed requirement . I do understand why others do and make no assumptions or judge anyone else's parental choices . We all have the children we have and do our best for them .
    My personal opinion would be keep her home . If it was potty training there would be no discussion as to pushing a child to train before they were ready .
    I think each child is an individual and so to say every child must do the same as most children is not agreeable with me .
    If at grade one , if you want her in school it would be different for me , but at 4 yrs of age , in my opinion leaves a lot of time for a child to mature and be ready to be separated from the parents .
    Last edited by Secondtimearound; 09-30-2014 at 02:32 PM.

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