Just a vent...

[bright sparks]

Since you are friends, have you tried talking honestly about how you think her parenting (or lack of) is a result of guilt from the separation as you mentioned? That because she has not stepped up to the plate your days are very difficult with this child?

I feel for you. It sucks that you are stuck like this for financial reasons and because of the friendship.

The money is the bigger issue. My business has to come first so if she were to be upset by some truths I'm not so concerned. I did talk to her yesterday about the inconsistencies with her ex and the separation and how this is effecting him. It's not that she doesn't discipline at all, its just she has got to her breaking point I think that has her in survival mode and now the ineffective methods she uses when a child has been bribed x amount of times, its going to stop working eventually requiring bigger and better "prizes". Dad was supposed to collect Monday, and he cancelled. Little guy was surprisingly okay, but she said when she collected her daughter from after school club that she kicked off devastated and screamed uncontrollably at her that she didn't want her but wanted daddy. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, that's a real life heap o crap right there to try and manage. I can understand that taking the easy route sometimes is how she manages. Now she has to be a hardass with kids who are just emotionally in tatters at present, but each time they go to his place, everything is undone. I don't think her lack of disciplining is the cause of this behaviour or the biggest part of the problem. That said, I do think it's all she can do to help him, by tightening things up on her end and being firmer with him, but when she has zero support, and sometimes goes weeks without any kind of support from others, it's very easy for me to demand it of her, or expect it, or ask her to make these changes, but very different in her reality to make them happen. I am going to talk to her again at the end of the week just to touch base on how the rest of the week went with him and then makes some suggestions, what I do not know. Both her kids have a bit of an attitude problem as a result of dad, and her daughter already has some social issues included OCD which mom feeds into in order to keep her calm. I think she really is doing the best she can even if that's not enough.

When her son was in hospital Saturday, I met her there and collected her daughter and took her home, made dinner, bathed her and put her to bed. Bedtime was a story and lots of reassurance because she missed mum and her brother. We had lots of snuggles, but then she needed to look out her front window to check there were no bad people or animals there that could hurt her!!! She has done this since about age 2ish scared of shadows and lights so needed reassurance of what as outside and this was the first I had heard of this being more than that now. I settled her without this as to encourage this isn't helpful, yes I'm sure everyone will have a difference of opinions on this, but the fact is, she will learn there are no bad people out there in a healthy manner if she doesn't look and night after night comes to realize that everything is fine without needing to look in order to settle her anxiety. She lay down in bed, after plenty of reassurance again that she was safe and I was just outside the door and she was fine. 15 minutes later mom comes in, even though she is settled in bed she requests to look outside and rather than mom saying well its past bedtime and you are already in bed for the night she lets her get up and go through the motions. It's like they call the shots and mom offsets the guilt by for the most part giving in to them. She does try to discipline when they misbehave but something like this she sees as no big deal, why not. She doesn't see that they rule the roost and she lets them. This is just one of the examples, so not so much bad parenting, goodness no, but her best right now is this but its extremely counterproductive. I feel for her and I think why I'm at a loss is because I can sympathize with her situation and I don't really know how she manages as it is with them. It's always so easy to say we would act a certain way, but until you are in that situation who knows.

In the past when she has asked what she should do, I have given her my honest opinion and said that she needs to change her tone, even raise her voice which isn't the same as screaming and shouting, and make him very aware that you are upset and angry with his bad behaviour. Whether she has done this or not, who knows, but I doubt it. She doesn't seem like she has it in her. She was devastated at the hospital and said she broke down later that night when they were both asleep. I said what on earth for? He was fine and got sorted out very quickly and she said she blamed herself. I made it clear that he is 3 1/2 and knows this isn't okay so he is the one in the wrong, not her. Yes he is 3 but he isn't stupid...except obviously on that day lol

Thank God its not every day!