Dealing with parents in an ugly divorce

[momplus6]

Honestly if the parents have a 50/50 agreement, than on Mom's week you contact her and than Grandma when the need arises she can decide who picks up and drops off, than on Dad weeks its Dad than girlfriend and he can decide who picks up and drops off. What Dad does on his weeks is his choice and vice versa.

[bright sparks]

Honestly if the parents have a 50/50 agreement, than on Mom's week you contact her and than Grandma when the need arises she can decide who picks up and drops off, than on Dad weeks its Dad than girlfriend and he can decide who picks up and drops off. What Dad does on his weeks is his choice and vice versa.

I don't think shared custody works quite like that. You do whatever the hell you like on your week and vice versa. It's shared care with them sharing custody 50/50. Decision making should still be a collaborative thing where each party is in agreement with all aspects of raising the kids regardless of whose house they are sleeping at. Best to sign an agreement stating only the parents may pick up and for emergency contacts have both parents sign to agree they are both comfortable with them but making it clear that is in emergency situations only, not a matter of convenience.

[Rachael]

Honestly if the parents have a 50/50 agreement, than on Mom's week you contact her and than Grandma when the need arises she can decide who picks up and drops off, than on Dad weeks its Dad than girlfriend and he can decide who picks up and drops off. What Dad does on his weeks is his choice and vice versa.

Doesn't work that way. In shared custody cases both parents have the rights of parental decision 100% of the time. It's only the physical custody which is 50/50.

That said. neither parent can object to new partners and their involvement with the child, because an ex has the right to a new life.

If you are going to care for a child/children in this situation where parents share custody, you need a universal document from both parents with clear rules because without it, especially in the early days when there game playing/point scoring/intent to cause hurt/difficulty/etc due to anger of a fresh break. As a carer you don't want to be in the center where your action can be the "wrong" one and where you can be blamed, however unfairly, for anything. This is your business and you need to protect your rep.

[sandylynn]

Get rid of them....been there...done it....soooooo not worth the b.s. Will never get involved or caught in the middle again.....

[momplus6]

So if I have the kids on my week I need to clarify with the other parent before I say go on a date and leave the kids with a babysitter. Or go to my Mom's for the weekend etc... Of course anything major like schooling/doctor/dental would be shared, but even getting my buddy joe to pick the kids up really don't think I need to clear that with the x either.

I could be wrong I've never heard of shared custody arrangements of 50/50 where the kid is with parent A having the parents calling to let them know the plan of said day, the fact is its that parents week and they are the parent so in fact they should be able to dictate who picks their child up.

[bright sparks]

So if I have the kids on my week I need to clarify with the other parent before I say go on a date and leave the kids with a babysitter. Or go to my Mom's for the weekend etc... Of course anything major like schooling/doctor/dental would be shared, but even getting my buddy joe to pick the kids up really don't think I need to clear that with the x either.

I could be wrong I've never heard of shared custody arrangements of 50/50 where the kid is with parent A having the parents calling to let them know the plan of said day, the fact is its that parents week and they are the parent so in fact they should be able to dictate who picks their child up.

This family don't sound like they agree to what you outlined above plus different arrangements will work for different people. Also, if mum has a babysitter watch the child then yes that is her choice but the minute dad says he isn't happy with the person caring for said child, then she should really respect that as he has the right to decide who his child is around too. This is where it is a joint responsibility and while there is some wiggle room for independent choices per parent, should the other disagree then it should be taken into account. Also remember they are amidst a divorce so likely nothing has been agreed too. I know as a parent that I would not be happy having my child left alone with another caregiver that I did not know. This sounds more like them being asshats with each other but we can not begin to know exactly what's going on behind the scenes.

[Rachael]

50/50 custody means that the mother cannot contract with a carer that the father objects to. He has just as much say as she doesn.

No, this doesn't mean for date night he has a say in that it's not unreasonable that either of them has a date and would therefore needs a casual sitter but day care on a daily basis is very different.

No, it doesn't mean that permission is needed to visit grandma, unless grandma lives out of thvin province. It's really common that children whose parents have split are not to be removed from their home province by either parents without written permission from the other, which cannot be unreasonably withheld.

So to clarify for momplus6, the issue is that with a shared custody agreement both parents have equal say in the day to day lives of their children. This includes schooling, daycare, medical, dental, location of residence to an extent etc.

It seems in this particular situation, the Mom has contracted for care and the father has stated his objections. She can't do this. She absolutely can't contact for care when the child is with their Dad but she also can't contract for care when the children are with her if the Dad is objecting to that care arrangement. His rights cannot be over-ridden by her.

This is such tricky ground for carer's.

If any provider cares for a child whose parents aren't together and where shared custody is in place, then to protect herself, she needs BOTH parents to be on the contract. BOTH parents to sign the contract. BOTH parent to agree to who will pick up and drop off. If this isn't clear, documented and agreed, then there is a risk that the carer will hand off the child to someone they shouldn't, and that leaves the carer open to all sorts of fall outs.

Consider a couple who were together. Mom comes and contracts for a day care place. Then Dad shows up and say that no way in heck will he allow his child to go there. His views wouldn't normally be dismissed. The contract would be cancelled or notice given and the kids never attend and they parent just pays for the notice period or whatever. But his rights to object to a carer would be given fair weight.

Just because parents split up, and just because Mom might be less considerate of Dad's views, that does not mean his parental rights are less. He has the same right to object and his rights can't be ignored.

[NannyGlo]

I should also mention as I read in a previous post. Both parents mutually agreed to use me as the day home. When they started I was provided with contact info for mom, dad and grandma as the emergency. From my understanding the is the same info the previous day home had and the same as both schools. The only difference with the schools is that I am on the contact list. It was only two or three months after I started watching the kids that this has come up.