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Thread: Argh Husbands!

  1. #1
    Euphoric !
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    Argh Husbands!

    I am just venting, will probably be over this by the time I am done typing.

    Yesterday, I bust my butt all day with the kids, my husband came home for 5pm so I could go to my daughter's teacher interview at 5:30 and he stayed home with my younger daughter. Once all my DC kids are picked up I rush over. The teacher is running behind so I wait to see her. Meet the teacher, pick up my oldest at her B&A care just down the hall and head home. My husband doesn't think to figure something out for supper, empty the dishwasher or anything really. He sat on the computer while my daughter watched a movie. Awesome. We had no real food in the house so I whipped some eggs up and we eat. Both girls want my attention and so does my husband. He keeps trying to tell me stuff that happened at work but really I am juggling 8 balls at this point and don't care. I take both girls upstairs for their bath, my eldest reminds me I promised her I would teach her a magic trick from her magic set. Get them both milk and a snack (my husband is on the computer again at this point), do stories, put them to bed. Throw a load in the washer, start the dishwasher and go grocery shopping. Come back and he's watching a movie. He didn't think to empty the recycling, the garbage or the full green bin while I was out. I put the groceries away, and empty garbage etc and go to bed.

    He has the day off today, took it off so he could take my eldest out for her PD day. He told me he was getting up at 8. No sign of him. My daughter stayed with me in DC which was nice actually as she was a big help. She ate lunch and then I sent her up to find her dad and ask when they're going. I come upstairs after all the DC kids are down for nap and he says to me "why do you look so angry?" I almost flipped on him but didn't want to wreck my daughter's time with him as they were just heading out. I just said "I'm exhausted."

    I know I need to speak up but I am just so annoyed and whenever I have an issue it some how always becomes about me so I don't ever bring anything up and this happens...I stew. I just wish he''d take some initiative.

    I also felt myself feeling crabby and just being grumpy with my girls last night. He got to be the fun one today taking my daughter to "reptilia' as well.

    Silver lining- they left so late that I have the house to myself at nap time...

  2. #2
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    Even if it ends in a fight, you need to straight out tell him that you can't and shouldn't do everything. If you don't tell him what is wrong, you are just going to get more resentful. Don't let it go, stand up for yourself!

    I have found that guys can be pretty clueless about that kind of stuff, and you need to tell him what YOU need.

  3. #3
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    Wow. I would be super pissed. I must have hit the jack pot, because my husband takes our kids out on a regular basis to give me alone time. Loads and unloads dishwasher, does laundry, cooks dinner. Right from the start I told him I expected him to. We both work equally as hard, and he gets done work before I do, so he starts the housework. Perhaps he's just doing it out of the goodness of his heart, or perhaps he's trying to avoid the snarling beast that I become if I'm left to do everything.

  4. #4
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    You need to pick a fight. Really, you do. I learned the hard way...I am actually on the edge of a burnout. Exhausted doesnt even cover it. A large part of why or how I got here (though there are many other reasons) was because I did everything, all the time. A few weeks ago it all came to a head, it came to the point of almost costing our marriage, but my husband finally has picked up his feet and he is helping out a lot more. but years and years of overwork has taken its toll and I've been recently diagnosed with adrenal fatigue.

    Don't wait until it takes its toll on your health! He needs to get real and start helping out ASAP, and you need to pick as many fights as it takes for him to get on board! If you aren't speaking up you are essentially teaching him that his behavior is ok.

  5. #5
    Euphoric !
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    Yeah, I know...For the most part its OK and he does do stuff.

    We have our "jobs" where things don't get questioned but even these are unbalanced. It is mostly the other undivided tasks that end up falling to me.

    His List
    Takes our DD to school every morning
    Garbage out once a week
    Snow shoveling/mow the lawn
    Reads to the girls every other night.
    Takes the girls to Dr appts
    Does his own landry/ironing
    Makes his lunch for work the next day
    Takes care of the car


    My list
    Groceries
    Get the girls ready in the morning
    Cook
    General household management like banking, call the teacher, book dr appts, hair cuts etc
    Bath time
    Read/bedtime with girls every other night.
    Clean the DC
    Make DD's school lunch
    Any heavy cleaning

    We hired a maid a yr a go (because I snapped and told him we didn't have a choice) and it has made a huge difference for me. She comes bi weekly. Before we hired her my husband did the vacumming.

    I think its the things like the dishwasher, general cleaning etc. Or when I have a lot on one particular night.

  6. #6
    Euphoric !
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    Looking at the lists I think its because I have a lot of every day stuff to do whereas he has a lot more "as needed" tasks like shoveling.

  7. #7
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    My husband is like yours. Clueless about what needs to be done. Over 15 years of being together I have learned that stewing and fuming, he won't notice. Now when I want something done, I ask and usually he is happy to help. It's those day to day chores that he doesn't realize need to be done. So I tell him I need help, and if he doesn't get up and help me he will hear about it!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by torontokids View Post
    Yeah, I know...For the most part its OK and he does do stuff.

    We have our "jobs" where things don't get questioned but even these are unbalanced. It is mostly the other undivided tasks that end up falling to me.

    His List
    Takes our DD to school every morning
    Garbage out once a week
    Snow shoveling/mow the lawn
    Reads to the girls every other night.
    Takes the girls to Dr appts
    Does his own landry/ironing
    Makes his lunch for work the next day
    Takes care of the car


    My list
    Groceries
    Get the girls ready in the morning
    Cook
    General household management like banking, call the teacher, book dr appts, hair cuts etc
    Bath time
    Read/bedtime with girls every other night.
    Clean the DC
    Make DD's school lunch
    Any heavy cleaning

    We hired a maid a yr a go (because I snapped and told him we didn't have a choice) and it has made a huge difference for me. She comes bi weekly. Before we hired her my husband did the vacumming.

    I think its the things like the dishwasher, general cleaning etc. Or when I have a lot on one particular night.
    Everything you have on your husbands list is what my husband does - plus he helps with laundry (not just his own), does all the vacuuming, changes sheets on the beds, helps with washing the floors, and almost always does all the bath and bedtime stuff for our girls. Plus now that I am having trouble with my hands and feet he does most of the dishes too. And if I need him to help me with anything else I just ask him. Even with all that, it feels like we barely keep up with the demands of chores and children. So, I can't imagine doing it all like you have been doing. Of course you are tired! :-(

  9. #9
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    Yep, mine's the same way. You could do what I did - start letting more and more slide because you're so exhausted you can't think straight and no longer care - and hope that eventually he picks up some slack. Haha...it wasn't planned that way, but it worked! He now takes care of his and the kids' laundry, whereas before I did it all. I also told him that if he's going to sleep in every morning while I get myself up, get our three kids up and fed and dressed, AND deal with 5 dckids, he's going to pack their lunches the night before, because I don't have time. He hates it, but I truly don't care. He gets an extra hour and a half of sleep every morning and gets to only worry about himself!! He has time for a shower every morning, while I have to steal my showers every other night after the kids go to bed.

    Good luck....it's still an ongoing battle, as I think it is with many people here. Men seem to think that if we're home all day, obviously we have all the time in the world to do household chores, on top of running a business!!

  10. #10
    Euphoric !
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    I agree with the others. Even though it might result in a fight, I think you should tell him how you feel.

    We don't have kids but we still sometimes fight over the "chores". I used to get so mad after doing all the household chores for daycare and than come upstairs and have to do ours. I still sometimes feel like that but I have to stop and remind myself that the dc chores don't count because it's my job and he has his own job. We have to share our chores and if I'm being honest and actually think about it, he likely does more in the long run!! He always does both our laundry and all the outside work except I shovel the backyard for dc so they have room to play. We mostly share the chore of dishes but I usually do all the cooking and meal planning but he comes grocery shopping with me, does the vacuuming and the bathrooms. He'll even clean the daycare 1-2X bi-weekly. He always takes the garbage and recycling out as well. I clean the daycare and the odd time I do the bathrooms.

    As I type this I feel like I'm the typical husband....I don't do nearly as much as he does!!! Lol. But I do have to say, I have the harder paid job and am usually more physically and mentally exhausted than he is.

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