Crying 3 year old

[MonkeyPrincess]

I care for a 3 yr old girl who cries every day. EVERY DAY. Without fail. She comes on alternating weeks due to her parent's separation agreement, but has been coming for 2 years. Before the parents separated, she came 2 days every week. She arrives in the morning happy and plays well for most of the day but guaranteed that at some point she will stop what she is doing and cry...and cry and cry.... She says she misses her dad, or her mom, or another dck that isn't there, but most of the time, it's for her dad- very much Daddy's little girl. And the crying will go one for some time despite me talking to her, holding, hugging her, redirecting. I have explained to her (everyday) that her daddy is working and will come get her when work is done. i tell her what will happen thruout the day so she understands at what point her dad comes to get her.

What do you think it is? What else can i do?

[flowerchild]

Who's custody is she in for the weeks that she comes to you? Is it mom's week and that's why she's crying for Daddy? Would she do this prior to the separation? Is the separation recent?

Maybe she could have a little photo album that has pictures of mom and dad in it that she could look at when she misses them? Or a special stuffy to snuggle when she's feeling sad? Maybe mom and dad could each buy her a stuffy just for daycare and she could hug it when she misses them? ie. hug the stuffy from mom when she misses mom, etc?

[MonkeyPrincess]

On the weeks that she comes to me, she is in her father's custody. The parents separated about a year ago. She would do the same thing before they separated too.

[Lee-Bee]

Is she the type that needs to be told to move on? I find some kids just wallow in self pity, so to speak and will spend the whole day crying until they are told that's enough daddy will be back at X time, now go to this until he comes.

Not all kids are like this of course but sometimes they just get stuck in one frame of thinking and need to be forced to move on to something else.

It sounds like you have done a great job acknowledging how she is feeling and if she has been doing this for over a year then a new approach will be needed.

Maybe acknowledge her feelings then stop giving attention for those feelings. Perhaps she isn't really missing dad but needs some hugs. She's just learned that this is how to get them?

[5 Little Monkeys]

Separation is tough on kids! I like the idea of her having a photo album that she can look at when she misses dad or mom or whomever.

[CrazyEight]

Honestly, she's 3 and this is not a new situation. Not to downplay it, but my first thought is she's trying to get something. I have a 4yo dcg who's parents separated in November. Dad is busy buying her affection constantly, and she's now figured out that if she throws a fit, mom and dad will BOTH give her a treat or something special - dad because that's what he does to keep her liking him best, and mom because she feels guilty that dcg likes going to dad's more. It's ridiculous. One little tear at pickup will get promises of ice skating, ice cream at dinner, sleepovers at nana's house, the list goes on.

I've had to be quite firm with her, because she keeps on trying it with me. She'll whine that she wants Dad to pick her up when it's mom's turn, she'll argue with me about who is picking her up and wail that she misses her dad. Apparently she's trying it at school too (she is in JK). I tell her firmly once that either Dad will pick her up tonight, just like always, or that she'll see dad in a couple of days, but mom is picking her up tonight because mom misses her too. Then I ignore it. She pulls the same stunt about once a week, cries for 5 minutes, and then lets it go when she realizes she's not going to get anything out of me.

I could be completely off-base, but that's my first guess. She's old enough to understand the routine of going back and forth and it's been this way for a year, so I don't see how there could be anxiety over him actually not coming. It sounds like he consistently has her every other week, yes? Do you know if he spends time with her on his weeks when she is not at daycare? Or does he drop her with Grandma or something after daycare? I could somewhat understand it then, but if he's present and it's consistent I might try being firm and ignoring it, and see what happens. Good luck!

[AmandaKDT]

Agree with CrazyEight.

I had a 3 year old girl before that would be totally fine all morning, then as soon as she knew it was nap time she would start screaming and crying for her mom every single day. The only thing that worked was to acknowledge her feelings (you will see your mom soon!) and then be firm with her that she needed to stop crying and go to sleep or that she needed to go play now. She didn't end up being at my daycare that long, but by the time she left it was much better.

[babydom]

Also agree with crazyeight . She is 3 not a baby 1yr old anymore. She is defiantly playing you. I have three threes here who know how to work it but they also know that it doesn't work in my house. Lol.

[flowerchild]

On the weeks that she comes to me, she is in her father's custody. The parents separated about a year ago. She would do the same thing before they separated too.

OK. That changes my answer a bit. I was assuming this was new behaviour since the separation.

Maybe try a "sad spot". When she starts to cry, give her a hug, empathize with her, and then send her to her "sad spot". There she can cry, cuddle her stuffy, look at her pictures, whatever she wants to do to calm herself down.

I have a three year old here who will sometimes be very over-dramatic. She'll do something minor like bump her toe or something and will start wailing. I'll give her a hug and try to help her calm down, but she'll just stare at me and scream and scream and scream. She won't try deep breaths or anything to stop or calm down, so at that point, I bring her to the couch and ask her to sit there while she calms herself down and then I go about my day. I find she calms down much quicker that way. It's not done in a punishing way, just a calm, kind way.