Saying sorry

[ebhappydc]

If a child intentionally hurts another child (ie pushes them to the floor), and in this case a much smaller child, do u insist they say sorry? I have a 23 mnth dcb mature for age and generally a good kid who refuses. He can talk fine, and knows he did wrong. It's becoming a power struggle so I'm tempted to let it go but that doesn't feel right either... Time away til he says sorry? I feel like he'd be away for hours... No other problems with him except a big ego. ? TX!

[5 Little Monkeys]

I'm not a fan of the fake apology but at the same time, we need to teach children when and how to apologize.

Typically, I will explain to the child what they did wrong and than say something like "it would be nice if you say sorry to xxx and ask if they'd like a hug"....the younger children will usually do the hug but some can't even say "I'm sorry" yet. I just always say the same thing (or something similar) and eventually they start to say "I'm sorry" as they get older. I don't push them to say "I'm sorry" as I feel it's means nothing unless they want to say it.

[Fun&care]

At my house, a child who hurts their friend and then refuses to say sorry goes in time out until they are ready to say it. They don't get to go play, they stay in time out until they apologize to their friend. I explain to them why, and explain to them why what they did was "wrong" etc.

I feel that if you just let them get away with it with no consequence, not even an apology then they don't really understand the gravity and the effect of their actions.

I don't make them hug though as I often have found that the other child does not even want one, they are often still "ticked" at the offender.

[Lee-Bee]

I make them go check on their friend and see if they need help. So if they pushed them over they go check if they need help up etc. I encourage them to say sorry, in hopes of setting a pattern, but if the child is refusing (for what ever reason) then I don't force it. They have a consequence of their action and that is the result of their action. Being forced to say sorry doesn't fix anything and only lets a person know that they can do as they please, harm who they want and just falsely say 'sorry' to be forgiven. Saying sorry doesn't mean a free pass and I can't help but feel that when we force them to say sorry we are giving them the impression it is a free pass.

They naturally learn to say sorry through modeling, encouragement and by learning to empathize and care for others.

[Fun&care]

I make them go check on their friend and see if they need help. So if they pushed them over they go check if they need help up etc. I encourage them to say sorry, in hopes of setting a pattern, but if the child is refusing (for what ever reason) then I don't force it. They have a consequence of their action and that is the result of their action. Being forced to say sorry doesn't fix anything and only lets a person know that they can do as they please, harm who they want and just falsely say 'sorry' to be forgiven. Saying sorry doesn't mean a free pass and I can't help but feel that when we force them to say sorry we are giving them the impression it is a free pass.

They naturally learn to say sorry through modeling, encouragement and by learning to empathize and care for others.

I don't see how having a consequence for the behavior plus having to apologize equals getting a free pass? I think it's quite the opposite!

I model saying "sorry" from a very early age so it hardly ever becomes an issue later on. But if it does it only takes one instance of them getting a time out for refusing to apologize and after that they get it and I don't usually have to resort to the time out again.

[kindertime]

What I try to do is pay way more attention to the 'victim' than the other child. If necessary, remove the pusher from the situation but only so much as to get them away from the child who is hurt. If you spend all your time with the child who did the pushing, the other child is left sitting, hurt and probably crying.

I absolutely try to get the little ones to say "sorry." It is for practice, to make it instictual for when they are older. There could be a fear of getting in trouble. You say he knows he did wrong. Well then, make sure that the apology won't be 'admitting guilt.' For the ones who can talk, if I'm not sure exactly what happened in a situation and if the child tells me they did something wrong, (instead of hiding or lying,) then I make a point of not giving time outs or anything more than saying, "well, you know you shouldn't do that...."

But kids under 4 don't really have any empathy. They don't understand that the other person has feelings like them. They push and then the other child is crying so they understand cause and effect but it doesn't translate into empathy until they are a little older. So kids might just hurt others for the attention, the excitement it causes. But most often, it is simply that they don't understand how the other person is feeling.

I also try to figure out what has set this action in motion. Is it just random, is there a toy involved, was the other child simply in his way so he pushed? That is important for your response. If dcb pushed to take a toy, then he simply doesn't get to play with the toy. If he's angry, out of control then a time away to calm down could help.

And of course, modeling. Like Lee-Bee said, that's how they learn. Any time dcb gets hurt himself, make a point to say to him, sorry you got hurt. I understand, I get hurt too, so does the other child, show your empathy.

I have had a couple of dcks that just seem to want to hurt others, with no reason. Out of curiosity, how does dcb react with the parents? Does he hit them, act out with them? I think for mine, there is a correlation with that.

[ebhappydc]

Thanks - yes he has tried to hit mom but she doesn't allow. She's on board with nipping this in the bud as he's bullying at home too. He does have an older sibling and prob some behavior is learned from that. Guess it's terrible twos happening too. Yes, empathy comes when they're older. It's unprovoked and random; after nap or snack so not tired or hungry. After he pushes or pokes in the face, and gets child crying, he tries to divert the conversation to something else - 'what colour is this?" or "I tooted" trying to get a laugh...smart eh? Hasn't happened yet today .. I do like the idea of paying more attention to the victim and less to provoker. My own son wrote the book on bad behavior so I should be able to handle, but he always said sorry!

[playfelt]

I do not like the make them say sorry battle either - we all know when we demand a child do something they rebel and do the opposite so why add to the frustration of the event which detracts from what happened.

I go up behind the child that did the infraction, stop them physically - usually hold their arms at their sides or their hands together - whatever they used to commit the crime and in that stern voice remind them that hands are not for hurting our friends. They usually get upset at having been caught then you ignore them and go deal with the victim - at the same time do not let the victim play the victim - a push is not the end of the world and they need to get up, brush it off and go on with life to a certain extent too. I tell them sorry XXXX was not being a good friend. Let's go play over here for awhile or whatever. The victim hears sorry, the aggressor hears what to say and over time you then expect them to say it but not until they are older and have an understanding of empathy. I want it to mean something - what is the point of getting a child that is not sorry to say sorry. Without empathy they do not understand what sorry means. To a toddler it just becomes a ritual of hit, say sorry, go play with no meaning or learning which is why they repeat it over and over.

Often my discipline method as above could best be described as a Jiminy Cricket approach - think standing behind as being on Pinocchio's shoulder and being the voice of reason.

It is amazing