Too Many Choices for Toddler = Power Struggle?

[ebhappydc]

I have a wonderful mom to one of my dcb who just turned 2. She's very caring and smart, but I find that she gives him soooo many choices at drop off and at pick up that it turns into quite a power struggle. Since the time he was 18 months, he gets a choice in everything it seems until things go sour and he's having a meltdown and she has to force a choice at that point.... Eg. "Do u want me to pick u up early or late today?.... Do u want to wear your hat, or your hood....do u want to put your shoes on sitting on the bench or steps?", do u want this or that etc... He changes his mind several times and ultimately it becomes quite unpleasant. I can hear the battle with rest of the dcks from another area.

I'm all for giving kids choices, but I don't make everything a choice.... It can be over done can't it? I don't know how to mention to mom who I quite like. I think she's trying to to be a good parent since she hasn't seen him all day, but it's not going smooth. Should I just grin and bear it while I listen to things go awry? I gave my own kids choices but as soon as they started a power struggle their choices ended for a while. But that was back in the olden days! Thanks bunches.

Ps I had one mom a few yrs ago tell me they were late all the time cause daughter took half hour to choose clothes for the day after trying on several outfits.... C'mon...really?!

Pps:. I also think she is teaching him language skills and engaging him in thinking about choices and responding. It's just not going very well. He is mature and smart for his age though.

[mickyc]

Oh yes! Gotta love the choices. Here what I say goes! There are no choices. I don't worry about how the parents parent. I just laugh to myself when I see the power struggles. The kids know when mom goes that I am the boss. Those rubber boots they wore this morning in 20 degree weather get put in the bag and the saddles come out. Funny how they don't fight me on it! Lol

[Suzie_Homemaker]

I think too many choices is a horrible habit to instill in a child. They get raised believing they have a say in everything that happens - and they don't or should not. Adults make decisions. Kids need direction. Clear, simple instruction. Kids who get options for everything end up believing they are parent's equal and they are not.

Meals options is my pet annoyance. Kids asked which of three cereals they want. They parent not understand why kid is fussy eater refusing food until they get what they want for supper. Just pour the cereal into a bowl and add milk. Done. No options.

When my kids were teenagers, we used to say that this country might be a democracy but this house is under a dictatorship. Our house, our rules and if not like it, get job and move out. The door's right there.

[5 Little Monkeys]

I think choices are fantastic and I do try to give them whenever possible and feasible. It allows the child to feel in control of themselves and how else will they learn to make decisions? I know for myself, if you TELL me to do something ALL the time instead of letting me decide for myself, I am not going to be a happy camper!! Ha Ha. Decision making, rational thinking and feeling of self worth are just some of the reasons why I think choices are wonderful and should be given when the opportunity arises.

HOWEVER, there are times in life when choices just aren't an option. Sometimes we just have to do things a certain way to get it done. Asking a 2 year old when they would like to be picked up is absurd IMO.

For the most part, I would just grin and bear it as I do think each parent has the right to parent the way they want. If it was getting out of hand and disrupting the other children than I may gently step in and tell the child something like, "Mom has given you two choices. Please pick one or 5LM is going to pick one for you. This is silly behaviour and you're upsetting your friends." I have only really stepped in when the children start being aggressive to the parent as I feel that is just disrespectful and there is no need for that and the other children don't need to pick up on that behaviour either!! I also feel that it is embarrassing for the parent and I feel too guilty for allowing it to continue in front of me.

[playfelt]

The problem isn't that she is giving choices but that she is allowing him to change his mind. Once you make a choice you are stuck with your decision.

[flowerchild]

I agree with giving kids choices, but age-appropriate and situation-appropriate. IMHO it's not appropriate to ask a two year old when they would like to be picked up because a two year old really doesn't get to decide that. Asking a two year old if they want the red cup or the blue cup is a more age appropriate choice.

I also agree with playfelt that part of it is that she's letting him change his mind and flop back and forth and then eventually when she has to put her foot down and choose for him because he won't make up his mind he gets upset because he didn't get to choose.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Yes, that's a good point playfelt and flowerchild. It's normal to change our minds but when it's becoming an issue and causing bad behaviour, than it needs to be dealt with. Once he's voiced his decision, mom needs to stick to it.

[Lee-Bee]

I agree with playfelt...but it is also on the parent to know WHEN to offer choices. At the end of a busy day, when mom just got back might not be the time to offer up choices. If they are changing their minds, and melting down each day that is a sign to stop offering so many choices and just get the kid out the door.

We used to let me 2 year old pick which colour dental flosser to use each night (3 colours to choose from). We quickly realized this was not wise as she would change her mind and melt down when we refused to let her change her mind and then she would be going to bet a complete melt down mess each night (because she was tired had had lower coping skills). Those flossers got put away and now she gets a good old boring white one. No more melt downs, because we reigned in the controls so she can't change her mind and flip out when she doesn't get her way.

Choices throughout the day are good, but it can't be when the child cannot handle the choice and it can't be something that they don't actually have control over (what time they get picked up). Kids just don't need that kind of power...they needs adults that are in control.

My main choice I offer my daughter these days (26months) is 'you do it or I will do it for you'. She HATES having things done for her so that kicks her into gear to do it before it is done for her, gives her just enough control to decide to do it for herself but doesn't give her the option of stalling or not getting it done (putting shoes on, getting in her chair on her own). Obviously this only works for a child that wants to do things on their own, or you'd end up with a lazy child that has everything done for them!!