Advice - child way behind developmentally

[Buggaboo]

Hi there,

I have an almost 4 year old boy who attends 2 times per week for a few hours each day. I have had him for 6 months now and have asked many times that the parents bring him earlier but it hardly ever happens. He has no social skills what so ever, doesn't talk, play with other kids, know any colors, letters, numbers, etc. He doesn't know how to play outside, he stands there. However his parents believe he is exceptionally well advanced. He is an only child. We have tried talking to both parents many times but they do not feel there is any concern. He also still poops his pants, has a bottle at bed when he is at home and his parents spoon feed him. He does not know how to feed himself, etc. All he does is "roar" like a dinosaur. We are trying very hard to work with this child however we are very frustrated. We have documented behavior. What would others recommend? Do we write a letter with our concerns? Has anyone experienced this before? Any letter templates?

I really feel this child may be special needs care however I have no idea how to talk to the parents. I do not want to offend the parents.

Thank you!

[Suzie_Homemaker]

If parent not willing to hear what you saying, putting in writing not change that. If you want do it for paperwork trail, go ahead but be aware parent might feel you unreasonable and withdraw from care.

[Van]

yes I agree with Suzie as the parents don't want to hear it right now but don't worry he will be spotted in the school system and then the parents will HAVE TO LISTEN

[Lee-Bee]

Is it possible that being with you so little he is not comfortable and just doesn't show what he does know? I find it odd that you find him so behind but the parents find him "exceptionally advanced" could he just be to uncomfortable to 'perform' in your daycare? I know often children can be behind without the parents knowing it...but to think he is advanced and not just "normal" seems weird.

Document your observations. You can ask parents questions about what the child knows at home (numbers, colours etc). You cannot force parents to see that a child is developmentally delayed. If they are in denial they just have to come out of it when they are ready. Forcing it usually just makes the denial worse.

Maybe they speak another language at home and he isn't strong enough in english but is fine in his primary language?

[Busy ECE mommy]

I give all of my parents the Ages and Stages Questionnaire at the specified ages. If there are delays noted in the checklist, then I discuss with parents, and recommend followup with doctors/community resources etc. When you say things like doesn't talk/roars only/not knowing how to play/doesn't play outside, these are big red flags to me. The ages and stages questionnaire can be done online, and you can submit answers electronically and get printed feedback from developmental experts. You can find it at www.fsca.ca and look up Ages and Stages Checkup. This child should be entering school soon, so if he needs support, it's better to get started now. I guess we all have different approaches as to whether to try and get the parents on board. I would, given the child's age, but to each their own...

[Buggaboo]

Hi there,
Thank you very much for the advice/feedback. I will try that link www.fsca.ca much appreciated!
It could be that he is not comfortable. I really don't know. I will try the suggestions above.
Thank you!

[Lee-Bee]

Hi there,
Thank you very much for the advice/feedback. I will try that link www.fsca.ca much appreciated!
It could be that he is not comfortable. I really don't know. I will try the suggestions above.
Thank you!

What you describe does sound a bit more than just being uncomfortable and not showing his full potential but it is something to keep in mind. It sounds like you have tried to encourage the family to bring him for longer periods which would have helped (both you and him).

I just know that my daughter (just turned 3) has always been rather advanced and learns really quick but when she is at her preschool (2hrs once a week) she definitely doesn't come off as being bright :-) She isn't fully comfortable with the environment and is distracted by all the commotion so holds back. I just volunteered there today and there were things she mastered over a year ago that she would just kind of freeze up for and stand staring. Even her play is a lot more basic there than it is here at home. I don't doubt that if we sent my daughter full time she'd quickly settle and show all she knows but she isn't doing that for them right now (and she's been there for a full year).

The above mentioned check lists might be a good way to get some info. I would send one home with your kids and have parents return it. Tell them it is for your programming and so you can plan activities to build on the children's strengths and to work on their weaknesses. Do it in a casual manner so they don't feel threatened. See if their answers match your answers (do the survey yourself). If there are drastic differences then it would be worthwhile trying to have a meeting to discuss the noted differences.

Good luck!
I will also note that while in conjunction with all the other red flags you mention the pooping his pants can be a red flag itself...there are many typically developing kids out there at this age still doing it. Could be for a number of reasons. Have you asked if he does this at home? Again, it can be as simple as his being too uncomfortable and overwhelmed to ask for help to use the toilet. As with everything though, it can be a red flag of a bigger issue.

Kids are complicated!