Your spouse and your daycare

[MommaL]

I'm just curious how involved your spouses/partners are in your daycare? I know that my opening a daycare has affected my spouse and our family in many ways and I am very fortunate that he has been so supportive of me doing this. However, his helpfulness is actually starting to create some tension between us. He's always making suggestions for the daycare (e.g. how to market it, thing to add/change in the contract, how to arrange the space, etc). I know that he just wants me to be happy and successful and I love him for that. But I don't always have the same ideas as my husband and to be honest, many days I just don't even want to talk about daycare at the end of the day. I'm just struggling to find that balance between letting him know that I need his support and recognize the changes the daycare have had on all of us. But at the same time reminding him that it's my job and for the most part I need to do this on my own. And yes I'm going to make mistakes and there's probably things that I could do better, but those are things I need to learn for myself.

[Lee-Bee]

Men are fixers so are often always trying to improve things that we women couldn't care to put the effort into. My husband is one of those business always looking for ways to excel, advance and be better than the best. I think we just kinda found a groove for him offering some suggestions and my politely turning them down lol.

I would just recommend talking about it on a day where everyone is happy, calm and the topic hasn't yet come up. So don't tell him you don't want suggestions for improvement right after he has given a suggestion for improvement! Just casually one day mention that you appreciate all his suggestions and idea and you hope he doesn't mind that you don't attempt them all but that after working 10hr days with the daycare you just can't put anymore time and effort into the daycare once you close for the day. Plant the seed that you aren't ignoring him but you just don't have it in you to do his suggestions.

As much as the daycare is a business it is a very personal one. AND it is a business with limits. If you are at full capacity then hardcore advertising is wasted effort as the payoff is minimal. This is different then most businesses that can expand with demand. Also, the income is capped so all the effort and money and time put in to making the daycare space better and better pays off a bit, but ultimately is extra effort that isn't really needed.

Try comments like "oh neat idea, but with my capped income I'd rather save my time and money to spend with you".

[bright sparks]

I'm just curious how involved your spouses/partners are in your daycare? I know that my opening a daycare has affected my spouse and our family in many ways and I am very fortunate that he has been so supportive of me doing this. However, his helpfulness is actually starting to create some tension between us. He's always making suggestions for the daycare (e.g. how to market it, thing to add/change in the contract, how to arrange the space, etc). I know that he just wants me to be happy and successful and I love him for that. But I don't always have the same ideas as my husband and to be honest, many days I just don't even want to talk about daycare at the end of the day. I'm just struggling to find that balance between letting him know that I need his support and recognize the changes the daycare have had on all of us. But at the same time reminding him that it's my job and for the most part I need to do this on my own. And yes I'm going to make mistakes and there's probably things that I could do better, but those are things I need to learn for myself.

I would suggest saying pretty much exactly what you wrote in your original post. It makes it clear what your issues are with his actions while highlighting how much you care about him and appreciate his support. I would think he probably has no idea that his actions are having this effect on you. I wouldn't tip toe around the issue or pacify him to try and let him down gently, he isn't a child. His feelings aren't likely to be hurt if you explain it to him like you did here which I personally think was very clear on what you want but that you value his encouragement also. Then have a conversation about boundaries as they can be vague when doing this type of business from home so you both know where you stand with each other.

I think every man is different, and a lot depends on your relationship, but I'm someone who calls it as it is, doesn't mean I am abrupt, callous or don't take his feelings into consideration, but I'm not one to BS and be passive either. My husband is respectful of my honesty just like I am of his. Nowhere is it written that we have to agree or conform and we are clear on those expectations.

[mattsmom]

I'm lucky that my husband wants nothing to do with the daycare. Meaning that he knows it is my business and I make the decisions. If I want input, he is there to listen, but he knows that I make the final decisions.

That being said, he does complain about me doing daycare once in a while, to which I say to him that this is how I contribute, so get over it.

I would explain to your hubby that while you appreciate his support, the decisions regarding your daycare will be made by you and you only.

[Van]

That is a good question
it sounds like your husband wants to help but don't need to talk about daycare 24/7 so let him know gently as leebee suggested on a good day that you need to switch off from daycare and not talk about it- when the kids are gone you are done for the day and clocked out of daycare

my husband works at home so he helps me with the lunch time or anytime that I need help but I think we just found what works for us after 13 years of daycare in our home

[5 Little Monkeys]

My husband works evenings so is around a lot. He helps out when I ask (sometimes grumbling lol) but he knows I enjoy my job so he puts up with it. We don't have kids of our own so I know some days it is a lot for him. He is off school holidays and summers and by the end of summer, I am kicking him out! haha. He does enjoy it though and will often come up with ideas for outings or suggestions. He knows that I can handle my business and that I have final say over anything though. I appreciate having him support me. He is constantly telling others how proud of me he is and that he is really impressed with the way I do things and how I handle dealing with all the kids and families.

It definitely has caused fights though!! I too have had to tell him that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to spend my naptime break discussing daycare. It's my time to decompress and get ready for the afternoon. He understands this (now) You will find what works best for you guys. Good luck!

[Suzie_Homemaker]

My husband is semi-retired now so he around a lot during day. But we been married over 30 year now so we each know when our input not being embraced. I very much agree with Lee-Bee comment that men are fixers. 4 sons just confirm that. I find it come down to how I communicate. With female friend and relative, they know when woman speak about these thing, it to vent or air idea or just for acknowledge that situation is as we seeing it. When speak to male especially someone who care about us, they want to fix it or make it better.

I now know I need say "Just want to tell you about my day/this situation..just need you listen not need you fix for me.." In time, they understand you sharing information not the problem.

Different people receive information in different way so we have to tailor how we speak when it important they understand what we want from them.

My sons are very different to each other. When they were little, I would show them all how much I love them by treating them all same. When they were about Elementary age, one of my sons went through stage where he think I favour his brother. It was rough couple months because I so hurt he would think that. I then realize that not all people receive information same way. The hugs and the odd treat were not what this son needed to know he loved. For him, he just needed my time. Because we so busy with having 4 small boys I forgot to just be there sometimes not doing things but just giving my time. This how he receive message that he loved, my other children received message other ways.

Now they grown and in relationships I see it again. Three my boys get acknowledgement from partners with touch (hold hand, arm around shoulder on couch, and small gift of appreciated) but same son not need that reminder from his partner, he need her time just sit and watch movie or be together on their household task.

Just receive information differently.

[5 Little Monkeys]

Lol...so coincidentally today my husband came downstairs to see what was going on. (A child was on timeout and crying hysterically) He said, "I went to the bakery and got the bread. How's it going for you?" And I looked at him with a hot pot of soup in my hands and said, "I'm busy" in a frustrated tone....he high tailed it back upstairs!! Haha

Once they were sleeping I went upstairs and told him about the incident. He proudly stated, "aren't you proud of me? I knew just to walk away!" LOL

[Van]

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