Advice on extremely high anxiety child

[Dawn2Dusk]

So I have pair of dayhome siblings I have had since last August so nearly a year. The parents are so nice and good day care parents however the children are the most difficult children I have ever delt with.

So to start with the little boy who is nearly 4 makes me cry in frustration at least once a week. He has anxiety like I have never seen. The mom has been travelling for work more this year. Twice since January one week a time. The first time she didn't bring him and he peed his pants everyday after she got home and was having tantrums that you see in a two year old over everything. Second time mom brought him and its been the same thing but worse. Any change in schedule completely throws him off. He also refuses to eat ANYTHING that isn't grilled cheese or kraft dinner. Which I don't serve here so he doesn't really eat. But at lunch time everyday he has such a breakdown when he sees new food I have to put him in a separate room most of the time.

At home the parents use time outs as a punishment which I do as well but he has at least 5 a day. Mostly for not sharing or dropping to the floor and screaming when he doesn't get his way. Seriously he acts like a 2 year old its insane. Anyway the last couple weeks he has been having such bad anxiety when his dad drops off he makes any excuse to keep him for another minute. Hug after hug saying hes afraid of my to year old son. Now he is REFUSING to go outside because hes afraid of ladybugs. Its been a month and it will be constant for a week then stop a couple days. I am at the point where it is actually making me hate my job.

Keep in mind he also is unable to put on or take off his shoes or jacket. Cant use a cup only a sippy cup. And his speech is very bad. His motor skills are even worse, constantly falling over.

The parents know all these thing but only see his emotions as an issue which it definetly is. Other providers have point to me there is something more going on with him and I agree. I'm not sure exactly whats going on but it not "normal behavior"

The parents say he is sensitive and I'not sure if they are just oblivious or dont want to tell me the truth because they are afraid of losing care.

The little girl I got in January at 1 year and at that point she could only eat pureed food, couldn't sit up on her own and was unable to even roll over.

She is now 16 months and is crawling and eats with her hands but makes no sounds with her mouth and isn't even close to climbing or even bearing weight on her legs. I have asked a lot what is going on and they say she s in physical therapy because she is lazy.

The whole Lazy and Sensitive excuses seem weird to me and I'm not sure how to address it. I find the boy especially difficult because when he is having a tantrum like hour long one today the only thing I can do is stick him in a room by himself which makes me feel awful. I asked the father today if they have any tips to deal with his anxiety and his reply was he is just sensitive I'm sure whatever you are doing is fine.

But it isn't its getting worse, I cant afford to lose 2 childrens income but I am not sure how much longer I can handle this.

Any advice on dealing with this behavior? or the parents?

[Lee-Bee]

Is the younger child in physiotherapy? How often does she go? Doesn't much matter what the parents call it (lazy etc) if they are bringing her the therapist will look past the parents label. The fact they bring her means there is hope!

There comes a point where you just need to care for yourself and the other children. So if you can't terminate (financially) and the parents are in denial then you can't force it. Do what you need to do to survive the day. It is unfortunate for the child but until the family comes around there really isn't much for anyone to do. Be very consistent. Give a warning, then remove the child into his alone, dark, quiet, safe place until he is ready to join the group.

There is no winning the food battle. If he only wants those 2 foods and you don't serve them he is out of luck. Remove him if needed. If the parents were seeking help and were having him properly assessed then I might suggest having them send him foods that he does eat. Some children with certain diagnosis really can't handle many textures and tastes so it isn't just being picky...but you can't assess this on your own. That said, if you feel his being hungry everyday is making your day worse then maybe just have them send his mac and cheese. While the wrong move health wise...it might make your life easier if a full belly limits the tantrums.

It sucks...you are one person and their needs are way more than you can handle. Do what you need to make it through the day and don't try to fix it all on your own. Your focus here needs to be you...so you can care for the group as a whole. When the family starts to recognize and identify the issues at hand then you can step up your game.

If you can find children to fill these spaces it might be worth terminating. Maybe you can find another sibling pair that will need care when a different mom goes off mat leave in the coming months...then you can fill the space now and give enough notice to this family. If you do...strongly suggest a center for them where there are more resources.

Also...it is really hard for a parent to travel for work and if this child is showing signs of having some sort of condition/disorder then it would really really shake his life up so it is natural that he reacts poorly both during and after her return. Despite his age. Look past his age because he may really not have the understanding that mom is coming back soon. Once back he may be in fear she will randomly leave again and just not know how to express that. Accept it and just deal with it how you can...instead of expecting him to not react.

[bright sparks]

I've had a 4 year old very similar to what you are describing. It turns out he has FAS and is massively delayed. His grandmother was main caregiver and didn't know, but we always talked about his issues similar to what you are talking about and now he is in the school system he has been flagged and is getting help. I would recommend for this little guy that you observe and document. Yes it is extra work for you, but it shouldn't take that much time per day to write a blurb in a book. Not your opinion, just your observations. I would also recommend you google and download the free Nippising developmental screening forms. They are a list of yes/no questions based on the child's age with the goal being that should anything be answered no, then it is a good idea to go and discuss this with the family doctor. I do them for all children here and explain to the parents the why of it because children often behave differently at home than in group care and I want them to have information as a progress report for development. I also use them as a tool to narrow down the things that need to be worked on in daycare and keeping a paper trail is always a good idea. Ignore the food issue, as hard as it may be, if his parents don't feed him anything other than what he demands, then there is no hope for you. No sense in increasing his anxiety, if he is hungry he will eat.

As for the younger one, I would take what the parents say with a pinch of salt. Unless she has a cluster of problems then I find it highly unlikely that this kid is in physical therapy and they are just telling you this to get you off their backs. 16 months is still not classified as a significant delay for mobility, many children skip climbing, rolling over etc, and as for talking, she is a second child so doesn't really surprise me. Her eating is learnt behaviour, a product of how she is weaned and as for using a spoon or fork, I really don't personally have an expectation for children that age, I simply give them the option. I wouldn't worry to much about the younger one at this point, maybe come up with a care plan for her to work on these milestones, and for sure do the developmental screenings with her regularly to monitor progress. As for the 4 year old, he is going to JK in September I assume?? Try to work with what you have right now to make the day as smooth as possible. Don't have to great expectations from him as it does seem on the surface that there is more to this than meets the eye. IMO the sooner he gets to JK the better as he will be flagged for sure and have lots more resources available to him.

[Kath]

The four year old should be screened for autism. A 2-3+ year delay in social behaviour is the norm for kids on the spectrum. My son has ASD and a lot of the things you mention are symptoms. Anxiety issues are also very common for autistic kids.
For kids with autism (likely other conditions like FAS too) Alberta there is funding for 'shadow' placements because a child with autism is undoubtedly WAY more work than other kids. This funding wouldn't be in place until a diagnosis (so caregivers get paid for two children when caring for one autistic child).
For you, though, it sounds like it's causing you major anxiety. I would explain this to the parent - write notes so that your don't forget anything (such documentation would help get a diagnosis process started) - reiterate repeatedly that you love them, but that their boys behaviour is burning you out (and you think it may not be his fault - there may be something undiagnosed). You will need to find another family.
Parents tend to freak out with the possibility of a diagnosis - but you can let them know that if there is something more going on, wouldn't they want strategies and support to help their boy thrive wherever he is? For me, I realized we were punishing my son for things he had little or no control over. Being able to tackle behaviours with an assortment of specific strategies is a lifesaver - and the punishment and guilt is over.

[Suzie_Homemaker]

This might not be popular answer but I been in this business long time and last few years, I seen some crazy expectation from client and what carer expected to put up with.

I sorry but for me, in group care, I do pick the easy kids whose parent not unnecessarily demanding and who children not have additional challenges. That does mean sometime it take time to fill a vacancy but I'm too old to deal with other people's drama and I not paid enough to invest in a child more than parent is investing.

This is hard way earn income and I understand challenging parent and children all need care too but I not obligated to be the one who provide it.

If it was me, and if I not able to afford to just let them go, I would be working towards being in that position. Advertise, line up replacements and give notice. I promise that when the families who require so much energy and time are gone, whole vibe in house changes for the better.

[Busy ECE mommy]

There are many developmental red flags here, especially when he's almost 4 years old. If you google the Ages and Stages Questionnaire, this will give you a detailed screening of the major developmental areas. Don't use the "ASD" label, but alerting the parents to his skills/goal areas is something I do for all clients, even if everything is going great. I guess it's up to you,and how much you can handle. I personally always try to get parents connected with community resources before they hit kindergarten if there is a need. If you can't last that long,then interview,and terminate the family.