Child has Anxiety - Can't talk to Daycare Mom about it.

[pinkspring331]

Hello everyone,

I have a very small dayhome. I currently watch a 4 year old and have my own 19 month old home with me. The 4 year old has some anxiety. When she first started none of this was mentioned by the Mom. I had to ask if some of her behaviour was new or what I could do about it. Then she would decide to tell me about it. Anyway, after the little girl started I noticed she would say "Ribbet" every few words. Also if I asked her questions such as can you wash your hands before lunch "Ribbet". I counted once she said it 86 times. I asked her why she said it and she said its because she is a frog. So I left it alone. Then after about 2 weeks she switched it to "cricket". Now she says "cricket" every few words.

My oldest daughter who is in school but plays well with the DCG afterwards told me she thinks its annoying and that she tells the DCG to stop it. I scolded her for this and advised her not to talk badly about the DCG. The DCG starts school in the fall.

Today I mentioned it to the Mom. I just asked her if why the DCG said it at home or if they noticed it. She said it was an anxiety thing and must be only when she is here. I said it's whenever I ask her to wash her hands or to help pick up the toys before lunch. She "oh ok well she told me that your daughter said she thinks it's annoying or irritating and if she tells her that she will keep doing it". I said ok and explained I had talked to my oldest about pointing out the behavior. Then the Mom said bye and the DCG said "cricket" 3 times in response. Then the Mom was like "ok we need to work on this they don't like it when you say that honey".

What can I do to get the DCG to stop saying it? I have tried ignoring it but doesn't see to work.

There are a few other things as well. When I take the girls places with me the DCG will hide under my coat to avoid talking to other people. Also she is fully potty trained but cannot wipe her bottom after pooping so I have to do it for her. In the beginning she was adamant about doing it herself but she missed quite a bit after a poop she ended up fishing the poop she did miss during quiet time and playing with it. The DCG has constipation issues so often the poops are very sticky. We use flushable wipes here but I guess she missed a bunch. I advised the Mom of this and she said "you always have to wipe her after poops". I apologized and assured her I always. I never had this issue with my oldest daughter so I am not used to it I guess.

What am I doing wrong? Am I the reason she has anxiety?

Any advice would be great. Thank you.

[Lee-Bee]

If the child has anxiety and is repeating words to ease that anxiety DO NOT force the child to stop saying that word. It is their way of coping. Get down to the core problem otherwise you will just increase the anxiety.

Have a frank discussion with your daughter, explain why this child is saying these words. Your child should understand on a basic level.

Start taking notes as to when the child says these words. What is going on before. WHY is she feeling anxious. Find some more acceptable strategies for the child to use to ease the anxiety so she isn't targeting when she starts school.

I would also have a frank discussion with her parents about what you plan to do. See if you can encourage them to seek outside supports. The sooner the better.

[pinkspring331]

Hi thank you for your reply. I spoke with the Mom about it and she said she isn't worried about it and to just leave it alone. She is not concerned about why and thinks it will just go away on its own. She said that it's like a.nervous tic.

I would love to help ease this child's anxiety but if the parents don't care I guess I shouldn't.

[Lee-Bee]

If the parents are not on board then you are certainly more limited in what you can do...BUT it doesn't mean you can't do anything.

You can still take notes and observe to see if you can gain more information. You can try and provide different coping skills etc. It doesn't have to be directed at this one child...any and all children can benefit from learning about such coping strategies.

You likely won't have a great deal of progress if she is starting school in the fall and the parents are not on board but it will still be useful.

I would just again caution that if it is anxiety causing the repetitive words then I wouldn't force the child to stop or punish the child...it is not the same as trying to curb a bad behavior. Too much pressure to stop saying the words to release anxiety will end in the use of other coping strategies (which may be worse than repetitive words).

Hopefully the school is able to work with the family to acknowledge it is beyond the scope of 'normal'.

[pinkspring331]

Hi Lee Bee thanks again. Unfortunately the Mom decided to confront me about how offended she was by me asking about the behaviour. She got very upset and started yelling at me in front of my children. I told to get out of my house and now I don't think she will pay me for this week.

[bright sparks]

I agree with Lee Bee completely. If it is anxiety as you suspect then telling the child to stop will in all likelihood make things worse.

That's unfortunate pinkspring331...alth ough not to surprising. Yelling at you under any circumstances is not okay, in front of your children is even worse and I too would have asked her to leave my house, and in all honesty I would have terminated because it is in my contract that under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise voice or show aggression towards me, my family or anyone else on premises.

It is however, a common acute response that a parent act defensively and lose their cool when someone questions their child's behavior..especially behavior not considered "normal" I use that term loosely. I think maybe her actions indicate that this behavior is more of a worry to her than she lets on. I know you said it comes across as her not caring, but reading between the lines, it may very well be the complete opposite. Trying to ignore it and hoping it will go away doesn't help the child, but is a common coping mechanism for parents of children presenting with potential spectrum behaviors or anything outside the norm. So sorry you bore the brunt of it and in front of your children too. I am not excusing her actions but I am offering an explanation for her reaction and hopefully this will give you some understanding of why she acted in such a way and it's probably not about you. Human moments rarely occur at convenient times or manifest in ways that don't involve negative ramifications. I would just try to use it as a teachable moment for your kids and try not to let it bother you to much. All to often those on the front line are the ones who get hit hardest but there always has to be a starting point. I'm sure if it carries on at school in the fall this child will be quickly flagged and get some help and this mother will no doubt think back to this day with you and connect some dots.

[pinkspring331]

I agree with Lee Bee completely. If it is anxiety as you suspect then telling the child to stop will in all likelihood make things worse.

That's unfortunate pinkspring331...alth ough not to surprising. Yelling at you under any circumstances is not okay, in front of your children is even worse and I too would have asked her to leave my house, and in all honesty I would have terminated because it is in my contract that under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise voice or show aggression towards me, my family or anyone else on premises.

It is however, a common acute response that a parent act defensively and lose their cool when someone questions their child's behavior..especially behavior not considered "normal" I use that term loosely. I think maybe her actions indicate that this behavior is more of a worry to her than she lets on. I know you said it comes across as her not caring, but reading between the lines, it may very well be the complete opposite. Trying to ignore it and hoping it will go away doesn't help the child, but is a common coping mechanism for parents of children presenting with potential spectrum behaviors or anything outside the norm. So sorry you bore the brunt of it and in front of your children too. I am not excusing her actions but I am offering an explanation for her reaction and hopefully this will give you some understanding of why she acted in such a way and it's probably not about you. Human moments rarely occur at convenient times or manifest in ways that don't involve negative ramifications. I would just try to use it as a teachable moment for your kids and try not to let it bother you to much. All to often those on the front line are the ones who get hit hardest but there always has to be a starting point. I'm sure if it carries on at school in the fall this child will be quickly flagged and get some help and this mother will no doubt think back to this day with you and connect some dots.

Hi BrightSparks,

Thank you. Yes it was very unfortunate. She called me names, raised her voice and I had to tell her to leave several times. I told her she can collect her daughters things at a later date. Then another daycare Mom showed up and the upset one was still in my driveway and wouldn't leave because I wouldn't give her the DCG diaper bag. So the upset Mom started yelling at other Mom to please go in to my home and get the rest of her stuff for her and said Good Luck. As the upset daycare Mom left she screamed that she was reporting me and that was going to tarnish my name and that I was finished. All because I asked her to leave my house and when she wouldn't listen I had to yell back at her. Needless to say it was a horrible mess and I terminated her on the spot. The entire time she was yelling at me she was holding her 4 year old. That to me was unacceptable. I have never seen anyone act like that before. I normally do not react where I feel someone need to be kicked out of my home but I couldn't handle the yelling anymore.

My contract indicates that 2 weeks notice is supposed to be given or 2 weeks notice has to be paid but I don't think I will be getting it. She sent her husband to send me the funds for the days she was here this week and that is it.

[Lee-Bee]

:-(

So sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully the other daycare families understand. Maybe send out a little note about how the child is now gone and somehow explain it in a politically correct manner.

Again, it is so unfortunate that you were put in that position, all you were doing is looking out for the child.

I suspect you just laid the ground work for the school (and perhaps the interim daycare) to build on in the coming months. If they bring up this same topic to the mom she will find it harder and harder to deny and hopefully will eventually find the courage to face it.

Sadly this was the last thing this anxious child (or you) needed to witness :-(

[pinkspring331]

Lee Bee and Bright Sparks,

The DCM keeps contacting me regarding her daughter's things that were forgotten here. Her husband came to drop off the funds for the days her daughter was here but he forgot to collect her stuff. She wrote me saying its too bad it had to happen this way etc. No apology or anything. I can't even bring myself to write her back. I just messaged OK back. I feel so much hurt and anger for the things she said to me. The names she called me. It was horrible. I am a sensitive person. I cannot face this woman again. She can get very hostile quickly. The DCG things are just a stuffed animal and sunscreen. Should I write her back and let her know how I feel about the whole situation. If so what do I say? Should I arrange a time for her to collect the DCG's things or have her husband meet my husband. Our husbands are familiar with each other and her husband is very friendly. Let me know.

Edited to Add: Also this whole sitiaton has me not wanting to do daycare ever again. I've been at it almost a year and still have my first family. I only had the DCG as full time and a very part time DCB. So I am out the full time income. The DCB's Mom was very understanding and actually witnessed some of DCM's behavior that day and took my side.

[Lee-Bee]

I would let her know that due to her behavior you are not willing to meet her in person but you will hang her daughters items in a bag from the mailbox on x day from XX-XXpm. Make it a time that your husband is home and avoid that area of the house during that time so you won't see her. Let her know that after that time if the items remain they will be disposed of.

Don't let this bad experience prevent you from providing future care. There are many respectful families out there that will treat you appropriately.