At a bit of a loss-looking for advice

[bright sparks]

So I have a dcg who I had from 1 yr old for 11 mths and then I got her back again 8 mths later. She went to another daycare provider in between because I closed for school. I kept in touch with all my dcparents and as soon as this mother heard I was reopening she wanted back. She was due to start the first week of May once my exams were finished but in the meantime her daycare provider closed abruptly so for 6 weeks prior she changed her shifts and brought her the two days a week that I didn't have classes until she came full time at the beginning of May.

Her transition was almost non existent. We had visited socially while I was closed and mum talked about me with her. She played well, ate well and napped well. Dream child. She has always eaten mouse sized bites and slow as a snail but would always eat a variety of foods. Occasional tears at the door, but once mum left she would settle within a few minutes and it was fantastic.

I have two other daycare kids who started in May. Now it has become quite apparent and very quickly that this nearly 3yo dcg has some significant anxiety in a group setting without her mother. The only way she is happy is if she is distracted watching a show.

The two younger ones come in before her and nap for at least an hour each day so when she comes in she watches a show to calm her down. This is not ideal, and tv is actually not a part of my daycare day. I have tried everything else. Going in the playroom alone, allowing her to select her toys, setting something up for her, giving her colours, playdoh, books...any number of activities and she stands still sobbing and does not do anything. If I tell her to play, she may pick up something in front of her, but she will continue to hold onto it and sob, but doesn't do anything.

Watching tv she is fine, chatty Cathy etc As soon as I get the other kids up and we transition into the daycare room she does the same thing. She is very smart and back when she wasn't acting this way you could have a highly comprehensive conversation with her and she was great at making connections which was wonderful to see in a child her age. When I ask her why she is crying, her response is "I don't know" I ignore her, I give her hugs and reassurance, I redirect, I tell her to stop...absolutely nothing works. It is at the point now where it disrupts everyone's day.

Transitioning to lunch is awful now too. She sits at the table and will not pick up her food unless told to take a bite. It is even at the point now where I have to tell her to chew and swallow. All the while she is crying and sobbing. This is a severe issue now and it's hard to watch her deteriorate like this.

Coming in the door in the morning has gone from a few tears and redirecting with a fun activity, to an absolute dependence on the tv. It is literally the only time she is awake and not upset.

I have spoken a lot with her mother. Her mum says she doesn't react well to crying babies regardless of where they are, although my two are 1 year olds and aren't crying to trigger her behavior. Mum started to take her to early years centre where some days she plays well and some days she doesn't. That being said, she has her parents with her, so if it is separation anxiety, then this won't help. I have suggested multiple times that mum contacts ROCK or OEYC or child and family services to get some support for her. Mum is due to have her 2nd in September and is aware that this needs to be dealt with prior to newbie arriving. That being said, every time I ask her if she has done anything yet, she says she will do in the next day or two, but still hasn't. She texts me all the time day and night and weekends to let me know what she is doing, ask me how she is here DAILY, and also to constantly ask for advice. I have given lots and in general don't mind. It is good to work collaboratively. That being said, I have also told her that she needs a professional who can give her strategies to deal with this and offer me guidance too. Mum agrees, but again doesn't do anything.

Two weeks ago I said to her very upfront that while I didn't mean to be rude or tell her what to do, I did have the opinion that the time for talking about all of this was long past. Action needed to be taken as she was struggling to function in the group.
She only came Monday last week as she has been sick, I've had daily reports, and she came back yesterday and while mum was off all week, she didn't contact anyone and mum has told me that there have been multiple outbursts all week and it has been bad at home too.

This girl is leaving at the end of September as mum will be on Mat leave, but I still have her for 14 weeks and she really does ruin the daycare day. We can't do anything unless she is infront of the tv or napping. Lunchtime is always a big ordeal, and the younger kids are distracted in the playroom by dcg crying and she takes more attention so I can't give as much to the little ones.

Mum has no issue with the tv being used to calm her down, but I don't want my day to look like it does. I have no issue with tv, but it isn't how I run my daycare and I don't want it to be the kids babysitter. Also I don't want the younger kids to be influenced by one kid who just sits on the couch all morning. I have even set up a separate area in the playroom for her as it is perfectly fine if she doesn't want to play with the other kids, but that doesn't work either.

I really need this mother to make the next move, but doing nothing and just pacifying her kid is ruining the day for everyone. I can't force this mother to do anything, so does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do at daycare that I haven't already tried?Any ideas???

[mickyc]

It sounds like you have exhausted all options! Wow that stresses me out just hearing about it. I think it just boils down to let them go or bide your time until she leaves.

[Lee-Bee]

Gahhhhhh :-( Hang in there.

Do you feel this child truly has a separation issue or is the child just using learned behavior and manipulating to get what she wants? Could it be from the changes in daycare over the last year and the fact mom is pregnant?

What would happen if your tv "broke" unplug it...go to turn it on tomorrow and it just doesn't work. Would she flip out but eventually come to terms and move on?

It sounds like you have tried many, many strategies. Would mom get her act in gear if you gave a probation period?

[bright sparks]

I think she has some anxiety issues but I also think that lack of discipline at home early on didn't help as they would joke and pacify her. I think the probationary period is going to have to be my next move. If it was just a few more weeks I would just manage until she leaves but at this rate she is going to ruin the summer and drive me nuts in the process.

[Lee-Bee]

I think she has some anxiety issues but I also think that lack of discipline at home early on didn't help as they would joke and pacify her. I think the probationary period is going to have to be my next move. If it was just a few more weeks I would just manage until she leaves but at this rate she is going to ruin the summer and drive me nuts in the process.

That is my concern...you need to enjoy your job. Sadly with school starting soon it is in her best interest Mom gets moving with this...or she is going to be in for a big shock when she is tossed in a group of 30 kindergarten students :-(

[bright sparks]

That is my concern...you need to enjoy your job. Sadly with school starting soon it is in her best interest Mom gets moving with this...or she is going to be in for a big shock when she is tossed in a group of 30 kindergarten students :-(

I hear you Lee-Bee. It's a fine line between working hard to try and help a high needs child and wanting to poke my eyes out lol

[bright sparks]

Im texting back and forth with the mother right now on her lunch break as she asks for an update. I asked if she has contacted anyone yet, given that she just had a week off work so she would have had time. She said her husband wanted to hold off contacting anyone in the hopes of her snapping out of it.

I said that is fair enough given that children for the most part go through phases, but when a child is suffering from anxiety and is clearly distressed, and the fact that this is getting progressively worse, time is of the essence. What is the worst that can happen by asking for outside help vs the potential of things getting worse if it is left alone and ignored.

[kindertime]

Any idea what went on at the interim daycare? Did they use the t.v. a lot? I wouldn't rule that out given the behaviour you're seeing now. She may have learned it from another child there. If she didn't watch t.v at your house last year, she didn't learn it from you! I think it is a good idea what Lee-Bee said; your t.v. should "break" someday. It will cause "pain" at that time, but ultimately you'll be providing the service you want. You can't have t.v. on when you're outside, eating, napping, etc. Okay, this is probably going to sound like a dumb idea, but many years ago, when I was a nanny, I got the child to stop whining for me by whining myself. Kind of like imitating, but I did it more like a game. "Hey, let's all cry real loud!" I would lie on the floor too and kick and scream. Took the power out of her whine. Of course I was a lot younger then.

[bright sparks]

Any idea what went on at the interim daycare? Did they use the t.v. a lot? I wouldn't rule that out given the behaviour you're seeing now. She may have learned it from another child there. If she didn't watch t.v at your house last year, she didn't learn it from you! I think it is a good idea what Lee-Bee said; your t.v. should "break" someday. It will cause "pain" at that time, but ultimately you'll be providing the service you want. You can't have t.v. on when you're outside, eating, napping, etc. Okay, this is probably going to sound like a dumb idea, but many years ago, when I was a nanny, I got the child to stop whining for me by whining myself. Kind of like imitating, but I did it more like a game. "Hey, let's all cry real loud!" I would lie on the floor too and kick and scream. Took the power out of her whine. Of course I was a lot younger then.

Haha I've done that for whining kids too and it's worked! This child however is not whining, she is flat out crying and quite obviously distressed.

I've spoken to mum a lot this afternoon as today was terrible. The tv thing has come from home and she has held her hands up to it. She has said its typically on all day for background noise. I've said that perhaps at this point if that's all it is, switch to a cable or online radio station and limit her to a set amount of shows per day. I also suggested having a replacement safe place where she can teach her to go if she is sad or unhappy. She has a play tent that she is going to set up and talk to her about while she is in good spirits. She also spoke with her husband this afternoon and she has called child and family services for her area for some support. I hope with these moves we can help things improve. TV is off tomorrow...period. Not looking forward to the entire mornings spent with a kid standing and crying. I know this is behavioural, but it's not a temper tantrum. She withdraws and its debilitating for her. She can't follow direction from that point on even with adult led activities. I'm hoping the professional who gets involved can help at home and offer resources for me too.

[Van]

Oh BS I feel your PAIN - I work with infants and toddlers and like you, I don't have the tv on for daycare - so when I have a crying child I sit down and have him close to me, not sitting on my lap but standing between my legs and we just look at his friends playing, I don't talk to him but talk to his friends as they play over his cries...... then I have noticed he slowly steps away from me then he may come back to stand beside me again as he cries again and slowly he goes off to play with a toy and it got better everyday with less crying time -

- and it sounds like the Dad is hoping everything will fall into place when the baby arrives and he will be at work and Mom will be at home trying to deal with this and the new baby so maybe just remind her about that as a last suggestion before the baby arrives