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  1. #1

    Question Bad behavior in kids

    Hi all!

    I need some advice please,

    I have a dc kid that is 16 months old and is very advanced for their age. My problem is they have so much aggression towards my other dc kids and my own child, that they are either always on time out or I'm always telling them not to hit (and it's all day long ) I have a no violence policy in my contract and I have mentioned and talked to the parents NUMEROUS times, I feel like i'm going crazy sometimes. I just want to cry!

    The parents are great and, never have had a problem with them for anything, (other than this issue) So what you do when you have great parents but not so good of child.

    I feel like i'm the end of my rope with her and not sure what else I can do.
    Do I tell the parents that if things don't change than they will have to look elsewhere? A center wouldn't put up with violence, why should I?

    I know a 16 month old knows right from wrong and her time outs are age specific I just don't know if I should give the parents a choice to change or leave, because as of now that means I'm not following my contract and the other children could be at harm

    Any advise would be great! Thanks all!

  2. #2
    Expansive... Judy Trickett's Avatar
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    Time outs don't work. And by that I mean the typical time out. You need to make the consequence of the action of hitting others far more uncomfortable than just behaving. I would personally have a play pen set up some where else in another room and EVERY time she hit someone I would swoop down on her give her a big old stern and very mean-faced 'we do NOT hit' and then put her in that playpen, close the door and walk away. Once she learns that hitting equals time alone and NO play time she will start to behave.

    A child like this also needs to be stopped at every single inappropriate action. She is hitting because she does not trust that YOU are in charge and that YOU will meet her needs and the needs of the group exclusively. she needs to trust and learn that she is NEVER in the position of needing to problem solve herself by hitting etc. And the way you do that is to position yourself as the alpha dog.

    Go here and read this:

    http://www.justthebabysitter.com/201...lpha-dogs.html

  3. #3
    Thanks Judy for your feedback.

    However I'm a little confused. I checked out your link and I see that you have a "crying corner" and I do to, and thats where they go when they missbehave as soon as any of them misbehave they are taken there right away. I also enforce them to see what they did and know what they did was not right.

    As for the "Alpha dog" I believe that I am the boss, and I believe that they know and understand that I am the boss. We do lots of activities as a group. I help her problem solve but also let her know that she can do things herslef too. She is completley removed from the situation and alone while on her "time out"

    So maybe i'm asking, do you have any other ideas for what I can do with the parents? As I spoke with them again tonight regarding her behaviour?

    Thanks for your input

  4. #4
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    If time out doesn't work you can try something else. Like take her favorite toy away from her and make sure you put it somewhere that she can see, this will remind her why her fav. toy is taken away from her. And tell her that if she behaves then she can have it back. Hope it helps.

  5. #5
    Euphoric !
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    One tactic for aggressive behaviour is the shadow treatment. What I mean is; where she is, you are, right beside her. Or she stays right beside you. Continue to explain how we play properly (Gentle hands, good friendship skills, etc). As soon as she starts to react inappropriately, you pick her up (firmly, not all cuddly and snuggly) and put her in to the time out place. I know you feel like time outs are not working, but what I am suggesting is stopping her before she even gets to the point of hitting. You don't have to play with her every minute, in fact, you shouldn't. But within an arms reach so that you can nip the behaviour in the bud IMMEDIATELY. It is exhausting, for a period of time. But she will catch on eventually. If not you may need to let her go, as it is so unfair to the other kids who are being hit all day long.

  6. #6
    Euphoric !
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    A crying corner is for just that - for the child that cries to get what they want, when parents leave whatever. They go there, get it out of their system and then join the play again. I would be setting up the playpen in the playroom right near the play. Then do the swoop and No as Judy said and put her in there - no blanket, toys anything in there but the pad itself. Totally ignore her and start doing something even if it is just sing a song with the offended child and whoever is closest. After a few minutes lift her up so you are face to face and tell her that hitting hurts and we do not hit at (insert your name here) house. Then put her down to play in an area that encourages alone play. Let her progress to the group at her pace and play as she wants till she hits again then repeat. After a bit you will start to get good at getting to her as soon as you see her sizing up her victim and can interject verbally a no (name of child) or it will be back into the playpen. Also take note of anything that is setting her off and you might be surprised - another child, a particular toy, only when a certain sound is playing (such as another child pushing the siren on the firetruck toy) or whatever.

    Try to find out if the parents use spanking for discipline. Not that all kids that are spanked become hitters but some do. Hitting at this age isn't really a learned behaviour as much as it is an instinctive behaviour. They act before they think which is why they can apologize and know it is wrong but can not stop themselves from doing it again. Just stay vigilent till she matures a bit more, gets more language. Just because she seems very advanced remember she is still onlyi16 months old.

  7. #7
    Expansive... Judy Trickett's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pookie View Post
    Thanks Judy for your feedback.

    However I'm a little confused. I checked out your link and I see that you have a "crying corner" and I do to, and thats where they go when they missbehave as soon as any of them misbehave they are taken there right away. I also enforce them to see what they did and know what they did was not right.

    As for the "Alpha dog" I believe that I am the boss, and I believe that they know and understand that I am the boss. We do lots of activities as a group. I help her problem solve but also let her know that she can do things herslef too. She is completley removed from the situation and alone while on her "time out"

    So maybe i'm asking, do you have any other ideas for what I can do with the parents? As I spoke with them again tonight regarding her behaviour?

    Thanks for your input
    Yeah, I just said use a Playpen in my post to you because she is only 16 mths old so you will simply be putting her back IN the crying corner a thousand times until you are frustrated because she will likely leave it. And a frustrated provider is NOT good. she can't escape a playpen.

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  9. #8
    Thank you Judy, and I didn't mean to uspset you, I just wanted to clarify, but anyway thank you for the help, I will be trying these things and I hope things change! And again sorry if I upset you

  10. #9
    Expansive... Judy Trickett's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pookie View Post
    Thank you Judy, and I didn't mean to uspset you, I just wanted to clarify, but anyway thank you for the help, I will be trying these things and I hope things change! And again sorry if I upset you
    I know this is really hard to understand at some levels and even harder to explain. But....it's all in the tone you set for the environment you build and the expectations of the kids in that environment.

    I honestly do NOT have behaviour problems (at least not very often) because right from the get go a child learns here that certain behaviours will NOT be tolerated. And, I also set the tone that I am the peace-maker. I extinguish any battles. I take care of their needs. I am the go-to person when they have a problem. And when you set that tone of YOU being the absolute one to trust to meet their needs they do not hit their friend. And the reason they do not hit their friend is because they are not frustrated or fearful in the first place because one, their friend behaves nicely toward them (as is the standard here) and two, if their friend does NOT treat them nicely then I take care of that. Every kid knows they do NOT have to rise to a level of frustration to hit someone because I will take care of the point of their frustration in the first place.

    I know it sounds strange. But it works.

    Have you ever gone into a new environment and "felt" the tone of the room and knew exactly what the expectations were and who was in charge? Well, that is how your daycare should be run. You can still be a nice person. But ultimately every child in your care has to know that You and only YOU are in charge and YOU meet ALL needs while they are in your care.

    Once you get a good group of kids who have been in care a while then the tone is set and they all know that so one new kid coming in to care picks up on that very quickly.

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