Pick-up Time Power Struggle

[MommaL]

Aww, I feel for the mom. I was once in her shoes. When my daughter was two years old and in daycare, she did the exact same thing. She was normally a very well behaved child, but when it came time to go home after daycare, it was a nightmare. That was several years ago and I still shudder when I think about it. I often had to take her out to car kicking and screaming and then she would arch her back and become stiff as a board trying to get her into her car seat. It was awful! And I agree, it's easy to get embarrassed, stressed and feel like you are the worst parent because of it. The thing is that I found being stern only made things worse and it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't going to work. So, we switched gears and we simply made it fun for her to go home. Our daycare provider would have her ready by the time I arrived and they would look out the window, play I-spy and watch for me. We'd then have races to the car or count our steps to the car. Or, I'd have a stuffed animal or doll that she would have "buckle in" to the car. I'd sing Pop Goes the Weezel and the game was to jump into her seat when I said "Pop". I'd have stickers in the car. I'd play her favourite music. Each day was always a bit different. But it didn't take long for her to start looking forward to the walk out to the car or the car ride home instead of trying to come up with ways to delay it. And the good thing was that it was a short phase and before I knew it, she readily left daycare without any games. So my suggestion would be to do as others suggested and have your daycare boy ready for when his mom arrives, but also to remain calm and understanding, try to keep things light and perhaps even suggest some techniques to mom, such as the ones I used to make it a more positive experience for everyone.

[bright sparks]

Aww, I feel for the mom. I was once in her shoes. When my daughter was two years old and in daycare, she did the exact same thing. She was normally a very well behaved child, but when it came time to go home after daycare, it was a nightmare. That was several years ago and I still shudder when I think about it. I often had to take her out to car kicking and screaming and then she would arch her back and become stiff as a board trying to get her into her car seat. It was awful! And I agree, it's easy to get embarrassed, stressed and feel like you are the worst parent because of it. The thing is that I found being stern only made things worse and it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't going to work. So, we switched gears and we simply made it fun for her to go home. Our daycare provider would have her ready by the time I arrived and they would look out the window, play I-spy and watch for me. We'd then have races to the car or count our steps to the car. Or, I'd have a stuffed animal or doll that she would have "buckle in" to the car. I'd sing Pop Goes the Weezel and the game was to jump into her seat when I said "Pop". I'd have stickers in the car. I'd play her favourite music. Each day was always a bit different. But it didn't take long for her to start looking forward to the walk out to the car or the car ride home instead of trying to come up with ways to delay it. And the good thing was that it was a short phase and before I knew it, she readily left daycare without any games. So my suggestion would be to do as others suggested and have your daycare boy ready for when his mom arrives, but also to remain calm and understanding, try to keep things light and perhaps even suggest some techniques to mom, such as the ones I used to make it a more positive experience for everyone.

I too have had my children in daycare, a home provider and a centre, so can place myself in the shoes of a parent. It is a tough spot to be in. That being said, I feel that this method is pacifying the child. It is very important to teach a child what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. Turning this type of situation into a positive game only serves the adults, not the child. It makes it easier on mum, and granted at times it is the only way we survive bad days. That being said, pacifying a child when they will not do as they are told just makes things worse. How about another tactic...by asking the child to come you are giving them an option. Why not assert your authority as an adult and tell the child what to do. It isn't up for discussion or negotiation, and I bet your bottom dollar they start to behave better in general. It is about consistency and not about being the boss or belittling somebody, it is about being the grown up and taking control of the situation. This in turn teaches the child the realities of life, that even if you don`t want to do something, sometimes in life, in fact quite frequently, you've just got to do it. The earlier in life a child gets this, the better....the problem with that though is that the adults in their life have to TEACH them this.

The power struggle at this age is a very normal part of psycho-social development. They want to assert their independence, and then they learn quickly that they have power over certain people and certain situations based on OUR responses.

Counting to the car is wonderful, playing I spy out of the window is wonderful, but this in my opinion should not be how a defiant child is handled. At what point are they going to be taught to just do as they are told?

I have read many posts on here about these types of issues with pick up outside. I suggest to anyone to change things up and pick up from inside. I have everyone put their shoes and coats on and sit on the bottom step of the hall stairs for their parents to collect. They know they have to stay sat down on the bottom step and not run for the door when it is opened, and we can still have fun guessing who is at the door, reading stories, singing songs, but they have to behave appropriately and learn to follow direction. Outside means that I can not keep an eye on all the children sufficiently which means they take some of the control away due to the environment. I also have it clearly in my policies that in my house it is my rules and I am the disciplinary. It doesn't mean they can't discipline, and it doesn't mean I am undermining them, but that the kids need consistency and to understand that this is how it is. When they know mum and dad support me and that I continue 100% as I have done all day, everyday, the power struggle stops. Even with the hardest of children. If it ever continues, it is because of the parents who pacify them or bribe them out of the door. Doing this teaches the child that there is reward for their bad behaviour so it turns out to be incentive to carry on. Positively reinforce positive behaviours. Negatively reinforce negative behaviours. If an action is negative, the child will learn by association based on our responses. An example of an old family I dealt with...After a child refuses to put their shoes on mum says, "If you put your shoes on we can go for an ice cream." How about Do as you are told or their will be consequences?? Not a threat which I'm sure many would see it as, but simply teaching the kids that bad behaviour results in negative consequences and good behaviour is rewarded. Not bribing to make a child conform.

[MommaL]

Yikes, I kind of feel lectured for sharing my experience of being a mom who had a two year old who would kick and screen on the front lawn, driveway or floor of my back seat for 20 minutes every day after daycare. Maybe what I did isn't the popular answer, but it worked. I don't see it as being the same thing as watching my child crying on the floor and saying that I'll buy them ice cream if they get up. Rather, it was a distraction so that she no longer thought to scream or cry to begin with. Five years later, she's still the most respectful and well behaved child I know (and I'm not just saying that because she's mine). So I guess the two weeks of playing I-Spy and racing to the car when she was two years old didn't hurt her too much.

[bright sparks]

Yikes, I kind of feel lectured for sharing my experience of being a mom who had a two year old who would kick and screen on the front lawn, driveway or floor of my back seat for 20 minutes every day after daycare. Maybe what I did isn't the popular answer, but it worked. I don't see it as being the same thing as watching my child crying on the floor and saying that I'll buy them ice cream if they get up. Rather, it was a distraction so that she no longer thought to scream or cry to begin with. Five years later, she's still the most respectful and well behaved child I know (and I'm not just saying that because she's mine). So I guess the two weeks of playing I-Spy and racing to the car when she was two years old didn't hurt her too much.

Certainly wasn't mean't with the intention of lecturing you MommaL, simply my direct opinion of why this commonly doesn't work and you have said it lasted 2 weeks, whereas I hazard a guess that many do it in all areas for an easier time of things for an extended period of time, if not almost constantly. Having two teenagers and doing daycare for 11 years, I've seen it all as a care provider and a mother. No matter what we do it can backfire, but I do believe we have a duty to teach our kids the realities of consequences for not following rules vs pacifying them. I have had my son throw himself on the floor or even on the front lawn, many many times. I just never viewed it as embarrassing and that made it much easier to deal with. If he wanted to behave that way then go for it. I literally just pick him up kicking and screaming and place him in the car. It was absolutely unnecessary for me to try to calm him down to save face. Why do I need to discuss it with him? It is much more effective for me to talk to him about more appropriate behaviours when he had calmed down. He soon learned that he got absolutely zero reaction from me for these types of behaviours and it stopped. I feel like that was a much more important life lesson for him to be taught which he could apply to other areas of his life with a learn by association lesson of negative behaviours=negative consequences. Also sounds like the OP is talking about a bit of a chronic issue versus a child going through a phase.