Pick-up Time Power Struggle

[ebhappydc]

I have a fairly easy 2 yr old dcb who asks for mommy about half hour before closing , seemingly wanting to go home, but ok to wait.
Then when she comes he refuses to go with her. He plays the "Im not coming now" game and after much coaxing/bribing he finally goes when he decides. Or he needs to be carried out on occasion screaming limp. I think she's dreading coming for pick up. He plays a staring her down game while she's asking him to come. It's difficult for her especially when other parents there too with their kids going willingly.

I've experience this with a girl years ago and leaving took half hour in driveway (refused to go in carseat so mom would literally have to force her into the carseat screaming.

He's a good kid for me during day and, but I've carried him over to her telling him the daycare is closed and he needs to go. To no avail. She's super nice so he's taking advantage.
Any suggestions? Tx

[Suzie_Homemaker]

Stop enabling the delay tactics. I think this child taking advantage of you both.

I not having a 2 year old who need coaxing or bribing to leave end of day. I certain not permitting him stay when parent there until he decide good and ready. Two adult present yet two year old running the show.

Set clear expectation of child so he know what expected. When parent come, you go home. If need be, have shoe and coat on ready so can open door and push him out to waiting parent.

[33 Daiseys]

Hi I would have him ready to go dressed on the front step. Mom come, hand him over and walk away. Let her know that you are going to do this for a week or more so as to retrain said child on the right way to leave daycare. Once thing get better, if they get better, you can move it back slowly that he gets himself ready

[ebhappydc]

Okay, I'll have mom text me when shell be here as its not always at closing and have him ready. But when we're already outside for pick up which is usually the case, and he's dressed etc he runs to other end of fenced area and plants himself there. I can see her getting unravelled and losing confidence. Even if I'm firm with him he loses it. I also thought of ignoring him completely and chatting with mom a few minutes without any focus on him. Will try a few things. She doesn't want to make a scene infrin front if the other parents. Maybe I'll put something in my next newsletter about screamers at pick up time and that they are in training.

[Crayola kiddies]

when you are outside and she texts you to say she's 5 mins away then go get him and have him at the gate ... When she arrives open the gate and pass him through ...

[Busy ECE mommy]

I've had cases where they run away and scream or continue to play "catch me if you can" and I now scoop the child up, take them by the hand, and put them in the parents arms. If you have an outside gate, have mom text when coming, and have the child with you at the gate, and hand them through fence or gate to parent at pickup. Had to do this myself recently.

[sandylynn]

Stop enabling the delay tactics. I think this child taking advantage of you both.

I not having a 2 year old who need coaxing or bribing to leave end of day. I certain not permitting him stay when parent there until he decide good and ready. Two adult present yet two year old running the show.

Set clear expectation of child so he know what expected. When parent come, you go home. If need be, have shoe and coat on ready so can open door and push him out to waiting parent.

I agree suziehomemaker....I battled this many times with different children...I have my parents now text me and tell me within 5 min. when they will be in my driveway....child has shoes on...all ready to go...if we are inside I open door and hand over...easy peasy....if we are outside....I simply say good by to the parent and continue on a walk or whatever....that child can scream all they want getting into the car....I'm already down the street by then...LOL...I just recently had a conversation with a parent in the morning regarding why they were late....father.."I DON'T ARGUE WITH A 2 YEAR OLD"....me...."NEITH ER DO I".....father..." I HAD TO FINALLY GIVE IN AND GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAVE THE ARGUEMENT"....me.... "OH...MY NOT ARGUING WITH A 2 YEAR OLD IS VERY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS".... father..."HOW SO"...me...."THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT".....Seriously. ...what is wrong with some parents....

[MommaL]

Aww, I feel for the mom. I was once in her shoes. When my daughter was two years old and in daycare, she did the exact same thing. She was normally a very well behaved child, but when it came time to go home after daycare, it was a nightmare. That was several years ago and I still shudder when I think about it. I often had to take her out to car kicking and screaming and then she would arch her back and become stiff as a board trying to get her into her car seat. It was awful! And I agree, it's easy to get embarrassed, stressed and feel like you are the worst parent because of it. The thing is that I found being stern only made things worse and it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't going to work. So, we switched gears and we simply made it fun for her to go home. Our daycare provider would have her ready by the time I arrived and they would look out the window, play I-spy and watch for me. We'd then have races to the car or count our steps to the car. Or, I'd have a stuffed animal or doll that she would have "buckle in" to the car. I'd sing Pop Goes the Weezel and the game was to jump into her seat when I said "Pop". I'd have stickers in the car. I'd play her favourite music. Each day was always a bit different. But it didn't take long for her to start looking forward to the walk out to the car or the car ride home instead of trying to come up with ways to delay it. And the good thing was that it was a short phase and before I knew it, she readily left daycare without any games. So my suggestion would be to do as others suggested and have your daycare boy ready for when his mom arrives, but also to remain calm and understanding, try to keep things light and perhaps even suggest some techniques to mom, such as the ones I used to make it a more positive experience for everyone.

[bright sparks]

Aww, I feel for the mom. I was once in her shoes. When my daughter was two years old and in daycare, she did the exact same thing. She was normally a very well behaved child, but when it came time to go home after daycare, it was a nightmare. That was several years ago and I still shudder when I think about it. I often had to take her out to car kicking and screaming and then she would arch her back and become stiff as a board trying to get her into her car seat. It was awful! And I agree, it's easy to get embarrassed, stressed and feel like you are the worst parent because of it. The thing is that I found being stern only made things worse and it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't going to work. So, we switched gears and we simply made it fun for her to go home. Our daycare provider would have her ready by the time I arrived and they would look out the window, play I-spy and watch for me. We'd then have races to the car or count our steps to the car. Or, I'd have a stuffed animal or doll that she would have "buckle in" to the car. I'd sing Pop Goes the Weezel and the game was to jump into her seat when I said "Pop". I'd have stickers in the car. I'd play her favourite music. Each day was always a bit different. But it didn't take long for her to start looking forward to the walk out to the car or the car ride home instead of trying to come up with ways to delay it. And the good thing was that it was a short phase and before I knew it, she readily left daycare without any games. So my suggestion would be to do as others suggested and have your daycare boy ready for when his mom arrives, but also to remain calm and understanding, try to keep things light and perhaps even suggest some techniques to mom, such as the ones I used to make it a more positive experience for everyone.

I too have had my children in daycare, a home provider and a centre, so can place myself in the shoes of a parent. It is a tough spot to be in. That being said, I feel that this method is pacifying the child. It is very important to teach a child what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. Turning this type of situation into a positive game only serves the adults, not the child. It makes it easier on mum, and granted at times it is the only way we survive bad days. That being said, pacifying a child when they will not do as they are told just makes things worse. How about another tactic...by asking the child to come you are giving them an option. Why not assert your authority as an adult and tell the child what to do. It isn't up for discussion or negotiation, and I bet your bottom dollar they start to behave better in general. It is about consistency and not about being the boss or belittling somebody, it is about being the grown up and taking control of the situation. This in turn teaches the child the realities of life, that even if you don`t want to do something, sometimes in life, in fact quite frequently, you've just got to do it. The earlier in life a child gets this, the better....the problem with that though is that the adults in their life have to TEACH them this.

The power struggle at this age is a very normal part of psycho-social development. They want to assert their independence, and then they learn quickly that they have power over certain people and certain situations based on OUR responses.

Counting to the car is wonderful, playing I spy out of the window is wonderful, but this in my opinion should not be how a defiant child is handled. At what point are they going to be taught to just do as they are told?

I have read many posts on here about these types of issues with pick up outside. I suggest to anyone to change things up and pick up from inside. I have everyone put their shoes and coats on and sit on the bottom step of the hall stairs for their parents to collect. They know they have to stay sat down on the bottom step and not run for the door when it is opened, and we can still have fun guessing who is at the door, reading stories, singing songs, but they have to behave appropriately and learn to follow direction. Outside means that I can not keep an eye on all the children sufficiently which means they take some of the control away due to the environment. I also have it clearly in my policies that in my house it is my rules and I am the disciplinary. It doesn't mean they can't discipline, and it doesn't mean I am undermining them, but that the kids need consistency and to understand that this is how it is. When they know mum and dad support me and that I continue 100% as I have done all day, everyday, the power struggle stops. Even with the hardest of children. If it ever continues, it is because of the parents who pacify them or bribe them out of the door. Doing this teaches the child that there is reward for their bad behaviour so it turns out to be incentive to carry on. Positively reinforce positive behaviours. Negatively reinforce negative behaviours. If an action is negative, the child will learn by association based on our responses. An example of an old family I dealt with...After a child refuses to put their shoes on mum says, "If you put your shoes on we can go for an ice cream." How about Do as you are told or their will be consequences?? Not a threat which I'm sure many would see it as, but simply teaching the kids that bad behaviour results in negative consequences and good behaviour is rewarded. Not bribing to make a child conform.

[MommaL]

Yikes, I kind of feel lectured for sharing my experience of being a mom who had a two year old who would kick and screen on the front lawn, driveway or floor of my back seat for 20 minutes every day after daycare. Maybe what I did isn't the popular answer, but it worked. I don't see it as being the same thing as watching my child crying on the floor and saying that I'll buy them ice cream if they get up. Rather, it was a distraction so that she no longer thought to scream or cry to begin with. Five years later, she's still the most respectful and well behaved child I know (and I'm not just saying that because she's mine). So I guess the two weeks of playing I-Spy and racing to the car when she was two years old didn't hurt her too much.