Progress in the parenting department

[bright sparks]

I hope all you folks will be so kind as to let me use the "This and That" section to just be me for a moment. Unfortunately I don't really have anyone to talk to about this because really, people try to understand but don't, and I suppose the animosity of being online sometimes makes it easier to have a moment of honesty and then I can just carry on as usual.

I am sure that this will seem trivial to many, but for me today is another big step towards letting go of my kids a little bit more. We all have to do it at some time, but I have trauma associated OCD towards the subject of my children's safety. I am not a helicopter parent at all, but if I have no control over a situation my kids are in then I start to lose my mind. I can totally care for little kids without any fear because they are so dependent on adults and there is a much heavier amount of control that a caregiver has at the under 5 age, but my kids are 12 and nearly 14 and as they get older, my anxiety starts to get wildly out of control at times. Because I have to internalize it to be able to function in day to day life, there are times when I feel like I may explode. It's actually got considerably better, and generally speaking I do a great job of managing it now, but currently I have PMS which throws a huge wrench in the managing my fears and emotions challenge.

My daughter is walking home from school today with a few friends and it is a 40 minute walk across town. Even typing this sounds absolutely ridiculous as I went to high school at 11 and my walk was nearly two hours if I missed the bus, which was regularly, and my parents were not around to give me a ride. I have been so involved in my kids lives as a result of doing daycare, that as they start to have more and more independence, it is very hard to let them go without all these fears flooding my mind. The dependency role has shifted from them on me to me on them. This really just reinforces that my choice to close my daycare and start a new path of self discovery as a singular being is a great choice moving forward. Good for me and better for my kids.

I'm feeling okay overall, and hopefully I won't clock watch to much come 3:30 lol My daughter has stayed away so much with girl guides over the years which I think helps, but my son...well that will be another thing that I will save the worrying about for later lol

I think my situation gives me an advantage when dealing with the neurotic parent type because I am not quick to judge and I am open minded enough to think for a minute, that perhaps this isn't straight forward for them and what that person needs is support, not criticism. I would like to use my own situation as an example to those quick to judge a neurotic parent who appears to helicopter or worry over the slightest little things. I don't begin to assume to have the first clue what it's like in another persons shoes or to think I could possibly understand what it's like for them. I can not reiterate enough how I do not just simply have the choice to change. PTSD is not just a psychological/psychiatric condition. It is physiological too so you can't just retrain you brain as simply as you would think. It always amazes me how much the media and certain showbiz personalities are forever saying that it is a choice. Not for everyone! I am learning to manage it now versus trying to fix it.

Thanks for letting me come here to just have an offload. Not so much a vent but just a place to empty my thoughts and once again speak about what is a very much taboo subject in the hopes of publicly or privately helping others see they are not alone in their struggles. I am a great caregiver and mother...so places like this for support and a platform to let some of what is inside out, are instrumental to my ability to continue positively in all areas of my life

Have a great Thursday folks!