I've just opened my daycare, officially, in July. I had a little boy since March, but it was just him and my son so we were able to carry on with our daily lives. I had a REALLY hard time finding clients. I was paniky about it because if I couldn't fill up, I would have to go back to work in June and I really didn't want to. Finally, I found 2 kids - a well-behaved 11 month old, and a well-behaved 2.5 year old. They started one day after the other. The first week was great! The 11 month old slept great, and so did the 2.5 year old. Then, the 11 month old started becoming really disruptive (don't ask me how she did it being as how she was only 11 months old) and I hated it when she came. I hate to say it. Mom was having a difficult time finding a job, and never ended up finding one and wanted to take her daughter out without giving me notice or paying me up to date. A battle ensued and I had to fight for my rights. I had to find an emergency kid in case the mom took off on me. Luckily, I found a kid and luckily mom didn't take off on me, but that meant having 4 kids under 2. It was REALLY hard. About 2 weeks after she left, I was happy. I had three boys plus my own, everyone got along, everyone slept and ate. I even posted on here about how happy I was. Then I had to close the daycare for one day because my son had a fever and the 2 year old's mom (the one who had just started) flipped out and started going all mental on me. That argument (ie: power struggle) lasted about a week. Now, I have to find care to replace him. And I need to find another full timer to replace the one I've had since march because he is going part time in November.

I'm tired. I dread having the kids over. My house is ALWAYS a disaster. My son is whiny when all the kids are there. I'm so so so so so tired of waiting for clients to call, setting up the interview, doing the interview, and waiting for them to make a decision. I've had 4 kids go in and out of here, and thus far, 10 interviews. A lot of them I refused, but still. It's ridiculously tiring.

Every day, I think about what else I could do and the sad truth is nothing. I am fresh out of school, so I would have to get an entry level job which wouldn't pay me enough to pay for daycare and pay my bills. In addition, I can't imagine putting my son in care. I just can't do it, at this point. I don't know of any stay at home jobs, I don't know of any jobs I could bring my son to. My ultimate dream is to be a stay at home mom, and take in maybe one kid, just to play with my son.

I feel so trapped, especially because I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. Last week was BRUTAL. I just don't know if this is something I want to do long term. Either I have to wait till my son goes to school, or wait till I get pregnant again and I'm not about to get pregnant again just so I don't have to work because I'll be in the same position afterwards anyways.

I know the first year is the hardest, but I never thought it would be this trying on my emotions and my sanity. I am just SO tired.

Thanks for the vent