How do you handle shy kids?

Let's see if I can explain this is short form, and allow you to see the whole picture.

I have a little boy who will be 2 next week. He's SUPER, DUPER, UBER shy. I've never seen anything like it. I have a 2.5 year old who is really shy too, but he's opened up to me pretty quickly and seems to trust me, which is great! But this little boy is SO SO SO shy! He's opened up with the kids pretty well, and even my husband. It seems to depend on his mood, too. Sometimes he comes over to me and smiles and says things to me, and other times he just walks over and stares at me. Seriously. He just walks over, stands in front of me, bows his head and looks at me with his eyes up. It creeps me out! LOL. He's starting to cry when his dad drops him off, and I think it's because I've had to start seriously disciplining him. I was a little lax because he'd only been here a short time and he was so shy, but I had to start. He climbs out of his playpen and he's mean to the other kids sometimes.

When we play games, he just stares at me. I tried to teach everyone Sleeping Bunnies, and when I showed him how to lie on the ground, he started crying.

Maybe because I'm disciplining him, he doesn't trust me anymore? I don't know. But I don't know what to do about it. When we play games, he looks like he wants to kill himself. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm not even kidding. He gets this really sad face, like he's uber uncomfortable and wants to crawl in a dark hole. I have a really hard time with it. I mean, shy is one thing, but this seems like soemthing else. His parents say he talks a lot at home, but he barely says anything here. He doesn't laugh often, or smile. I really have to work for it. When I ask him to say something, he just bows his head and stares at me. I've started getting him to say he's sorry when he hurts people, cause dad says he'll do it at home, but when I ask him to say it, it's like he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Then I'll say something like "Do you want to have lunch?" And he goes "Lunch?" So I tell him to apologize and we can go have lunch. But he WON'T say it. It's so strange.

Sorry, I meant to make this short. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? What do you think it could be? Could it be just that he's not comfortable? Maybe he doesn't like it here? Maybe he's just ridiculously shy? I don't know!

I would give him more time to come around...being shy is a temperament thing and he can't help it! When he comes up to you and just stares at you, I would ask him if he'd like a hug! This will help build the relationship. And are you saying to him "Apologize"? or are you saying "Say sorry" Because if he's not even 2, he probably doesn't understand what you're asking him to do...my son wouldn't know what to say if I told him to apologize to someone. Encourage him in an upbeat way to interact during games but definitely don't force him, or keep asking him to come play...he'll come around when he feels comfortable :)

What you describe doesn't sound like "shy" to me. I wouldn't process his beheaviors as you described as "shy" but rather quite controlling. Maybe some of what he is displaying you have seen in shy kids so you believe his extreme continuation of the behaviors and additional behaviors make him super shy when it may be that he's not shy at all.

You said "Sometimes he comes over to me and smiles and says things to me, and other times he just walks over and stares at me. Seriously. He just walks over, stands in front of me, bows his head and looks at me with his eyes up." That's not shy. That's proximity control. He's close to you and staring you down because he's making sure you DO him right then and there. Whatever he is supposed to be doing at that time needs to be your prompt to him. In my house that would be "go play toys". I would tell him to go play and you will call him over to you to stare at you when YOU want him to come stare at you. Otherwise go play. I'm sure there aren't too many times a day you are going to want him to come stare at you so it shouldn't come up again too often. :blink:

I am leary of how much he really talks but I have seen a handful of kids in my two decades of doing home care where they didn't talk here much but were chatty at home. Ask the parents to record him on video on their cell phone at the table or somewhere at home in full jabbering mode. It helps to get video of them and their talking when they aren't in your public setting.

I've had parents who tell me their kid talks in full paragraphs and I am only getting maybe ten words. You can tell if the parent is exaggerating when you ask for the video. The look on their face when you ask for it tells you the truth so look really closely at their reaction AND keep reminding them of you needing that for a couple of weeks if they don't pony up with some proof. Kids that are yappity at home will talk at home and parents who KNOW their kid is yappity will gladly show you they are right. If they can't come up with it in a couple of weeks you will know they are exaggerating. If so... then just go on what you see at your house speech wise.

If he has limited speech then I would just start giving him prompts in REALLY short phrases. "go play" "come here" "sit here" "get up" "hand me that" "clean toys" "drink cup" etc. Keep the prompts short and the expectation to comply consisistent and relentless until he gets what you want him to do. At two he should be self entertaining and playing toys all day long. He should start moving away from parrallel play here shortly so team him up with your best players and see how he grows into it.

I don't require kids that young to say they are sorry. I wrote an article on saying sorry here: http://www.daycare.com/nannyde/shoul...-are-sorry.htm

I would reset your mindset about him being shy and look at it from the point of view that he may actually be being aggressive or dominating with these behaviors. Try seeing it that way and then go with what you would normally do if you had a kid who was too powerful in your setting or requiring too much adult in comparison to what you are being paid for and what you need to do to care for the group. Also... always consider what you need him to be so that YOU are happy each and every day. Start with that and start chipping away at some of these behaviors. It will take a bit of time but you can get him to go native pretty quickly once you step up and lead and work on his behaviors that are not working for you.

He kind of sounds like a little guy I had. I took care of him for 4 years and he never really warmed up to me, in the way of touch and open communication. This little guy had some emotional issues. His parents also told me he was super "energetic and talkative" at home, although I can soo that because ANY child outgoing or not is going to be way dif at home than in an unfamiliar setting. Still this little guy took the cake on strangeness......he also didnt get along too well with others, not that he was rough or mean though, he was acctually quite the opposite. none the less, strange! strange was a good word for him, he just seemed to have emotional issues, he had a real "tender" heart, like unnecesarily tender, would crumple up his chin and cry if I reminded him to do something in just the mildest "firm" tone. Hmmm, not sure if he is anything like this one but sounds as if you just have a case of a "non-text book" kid. One of those kids who you will never FULLY understand or get to know deeply, he just wont let you. You just may have to keep a distance and let him come to you. (if he ever does) and until then.....just smile and take a very deep breath.

Also, just to add to some of the other ladies' suggestions...he is really young still! At not even 2, sometimes kids just do weird things that we, as adults, don't understand. My daughter is just over 2 and a really good talker and often spontaniuosly says she's sorry...but sometimes when she has done something and we ask her to say sorry, she does exactly what you described...puts her head down and eyes up ina defiant manner and refuses..she is testing. She gets a time-out and then comes back when she is ready to say sorry. It could be that he's testing you. When he comes and stands there and stares, maybe it's because he can't figure out what to do...some kids also have limited experience with playing independently as their parents always play with them or put them in structured activities. Maybe if you gently guide him to an activity and show him what to do, he will go with it.

Totally agree with daycarewhisperer: I have ha dkids that give me the heebee geebee's with their controling attitudes, or a "crazy" look. She is right, you need to take control back by just telling him to go play, OR sometimes when kids do that to me, I will also look at them and say "do you need something?" if he says "no", then tell him to scoot along. Dont let him control you if you feel thats what he is doing. Does his Dad seem to be a controling character? can you pick up on how he treats the boy or talks about the Mother? maybe this kid does have a control issue. OR maybe he's just a little "strange".

I agree with everyone. I had a inkling it wasn't just shyness. His mom is always "thanking me" for taking such good care of her shy little boy. But he doesn't really seem shy. My 2.5 year old is shy, there is definitely something different going on with the 2 year old. He is FINE with the other kids. Just a normal litlte kid and with me he is too, sometimes. He gets here at 10, and the babies get up from their naps at 11, when I brings them down, he stands at the gate and yells "babies!" But when I am asking him to do something, he just seems to act like he doesn 't understand. His dad says he's a pretty good talker - says sorry dad, sorry mommy, says about 20 words. He speaks well, and I KNOW he understands most of the time because of his behaviour afterwards.

I think you're right about the control thing. I think it is a control thing. Lately, as I said, he's been crying whem he gets here, and he throws things at his dad, tries to climb him, cries. I think he has A LOT of the control at home, but it's not like that here. I have the control, and anyone who tries to think otherwise is sorely mistaken. And I think that that may be the issue. He is just starting to realize that if he's at home, he pretty much gets to do whatever he wants, but when he's here, he gets disciplined, he gets told no, and he has time outs if he doesn't listen. I say "say sorry". And he just stares at me. I'm not huge on it, and I only started demanding it when his dad told me that that's what he does. But it never works, so I always put him on a timeout after. BUT the good news is that when I do that, he stops. He was climbing out of his playpen for a while and one day I came in my room and he was in my closet. I was not happy. I picked him up, put him on my bed and explained to him why he wasn't allowed to do that - he could hurt himself, I need him to stay in his playpen till I come get him..so on. Then I I asked him to say he was sorry. He stared at me for a bout 5 minutes and then I said ok, if you don't want to say you're sorry, you're going on a time out. And I went back downstairs to the babies havin snack. He hasn't done it since.

I just wanted your guys`opinions, because I really don`t think it`s all about being shy. I know some of it may be, because I think all kids are shy to a certain extent, but this is something different. I think it`s a control thing. I am going to do what you guys suggest and when he comes over and stares, I`ll just redirect him.

You might want to read up on my "bye bye outside" program for this little one. He might do a lot better if he does his good bye outside your door. I can link you to it if you would like. Also, I would be very careful about even using the word "shy" with the parents or the kid. I would only address the behaviors. I've seen a subsect of parents who really love the idea that their kid is "shy" and praise the child, love up the child, and use the "shy" as a way to say the kid loves them bestest of all. Once the kid gets a sense that he has specialness because of his "shy" then he will want the "shy child" reaction from everyone.

My former staff assistant took care of two kids back in the day. I babysat for them in the evenings and weekends when she couldn't work. The older kid was known in her family as "shy" and the parents really liked the whole concept. When she went to preschool the Mom met up with the teachers and explained the child was painfully shy and would most likely not want to participate with a lot of what they do... specially at first.

The kid wasn't shy at all. I had her for a couple of hundred hours total and I never saw a single shy behavior out of her. When my staff assistant picked her up from preschool the teacher told her that the kid wouldn't participate and how the mom told her how shy she was. My staff assistant corrected her and said... "no she's not shy... she's the boss". She's not not participating because she doesn't want to be with the other children.. she's not participating because she wants to do the highest level activity you have. You want to read stories... she wants to paint. You want to have her build blocks... she wants to do crafts. You want her to play in the group... she wants the adult to play with her" My staff assistant suggested the adults tell her to stop it and go do what the others were doing.

Fixed that deal in one day. Once the teachers knew the ROOT of the behavior they stopped catering to it. Now you know there is at least a chance that he's not shy at all.. but that he's using the behaviors you see as "shy" as a way to get you to DO him and do what he wants.

I'm not saying shyness doesn't occur but I do suggest to rule out what the child profits from shy behavior and remove the profit. Also, have the same expectations in the end for them. Once they are released from the power of "shy" they will often find themselves quite happy being a full member of the group and being one of many.

Have you ever stared him right back? I have had kids try to stare at me (I can sense their attemp at "intimidation") so I "stare" them right back...I win!!!!! hee hee hee! I always tell parents of "strong willed kids" it was a battle of wills and my will was stronger! :yes:

Shyness isn't something you can just snap out of in my opinion. I was a really shy kid and I had two very shy daughters and two very outgoing children. My shy daughters always needed a lot of pep talks to build up their self-esteem and I don't think they ever really outgrew the pain of shyness and still have trouble making and keeping good friends. It's a lifelong struggle. I however, outgrew the shyness after being kicked around all my life and I suppose being a Mom who has to fight for her life and her children's lives (Mama Tiger Syndrome) overcomes shyness.

I have a shy little girl in my daycare and she has her days where she won't even get out of the stroller at the playground and other days she mixes in. I respect her temperament and let her hang back when she needs to do that, but I always encourage her to go have fun. I have a little boy who just came from a daycare centre and he's 2.5 years old. He has really come out of his shell in the last almost 2 months he's been here. I guess he needed more one on one attention than he was getting at the centre.

Littledragon, I hope you gain the trust of your little one and it gets better day by day.