"I had it first!" <sigh>

Suggestions on how to deal with this situation (when you don't happen to see who actually did have it first/who took it). Lately, I have been just totally removing the 'it' with a quick "at daycare we are nice friends and do not fight over toys". But open to new suggestions. You know, I knew it as a mom...but boy do you ever get it as well as a provider...inner voice (the guilt!) <oh great, I chose to just take the toy away, now they will never know about conflict resolution, or share concept, or impulse control...>. Meanwhile 'Johnny and Jane' have just shrugged it off and are on to new activities without a care in the word...and you are kicking yourself?!

oooh, have been there so many times! I will take the toy away also, and put it on a shelf they can see, but cannot reach and explain, when we choose to fight over something, we both lose our chance to use it! I will also just have one of them take it first for a minute or two and them the other gets a turn but I will encourage proper dialogue. "I am sorry for fighting with you....I am sorry too" between both, with a hug :) then One will choose to give to the other for a minute or two, "here you can have a turn first" with my encouragement of course, followed by a "thankyou" from the reciever, then when the time is up the exchange must be caring and the same way..."----, it's your turn, thank you for sharing with me" maybe even another hug. If you do this enough. (as long as you are within view :)) they will learn to do it themselves, much more gratifying than getting after them and taking the toy away. :)

I take the item away as well but BEFORE I do, I give them 5 minutes to figure out a solution and if they can't figure out a way for both of them to be happy, THEN I take the toy.

That way, I feel it does give them the opportunity to manage conflicts but at the same time it isn't me telling them what is fair since in life some people are giviers and some are takers so what we would think of as equal isn't always fair in their eyes so letting them find a way to figure it out before I take it away from both of them has worked wonders over the years.

I watch to see if they can resolve the toy conflict, but when they don't/won't/can't I gently remind them that all the toys belong to Mimi and I am sharing them with you. So please share my toys with each other. This puts the toys in a different perspective and I find it works. I will often hear if there is a toy sharing conflict, the older children reminding the others "these are Mimi's toys, not yours"

I think it depends on the age of the kids too. If they are 2 or under, it is really difficult to have them sort it out themselves...they just don't know how to. So for the young ones, I usually let one have a turn and then make sure the other gets a turn soon after (with lots of praise for handing it over). But, if there is a huge scuffle with tears and possible pushing, hitting, etc, then the toys gets taken away. If they are 3 or up, yes, I try to get them to come up with a solution first before intervening. Also, when they are sharing or taking turns well, I always praise them...I find this works better than anything at giving them a good idea of appropriate behaviour.

Sometimes doing nothing and monitoring for dangers like hitting or biting is the best thing to do and see if they work it out. Ideally one will play and the other one will go off and do something else. You will never know the rightful first owner but at least they have made a solution. It can also be a good thing to note what the toy is and consider having duplicates of things in that catagory so there are other options as in two trucks or two horses.

When I do remove a toy I make sure that I tell them I am doing it so the toy is protected and doesn't get broken because fighting over a toy is not a nice way to play with it. So it is done for the protection of the toy. Yes it means they have go go find separate areas. But you can learn a lot from this such as which child goes off and plays with blocks or puzzles and which child finds another truck to play with. Gives a good clue as to who had it first. At that point I do try to monitor them to watch for one goading the other or being taken advantage of so I can better intervene the next time and I do find that we will have days with no incidents and than days where it is one battle after another.

i had it first is solve by flipping a coin in my house - followed by timers for taking turns.

first, I tell them "angie really don't know who got it first". and i said here - see this coin. we can toss the coin ---- the girl side --- (25cents) is in favor of karlina and the moose side is in favor of ben.
I give them time to absorb what i just said. i'd ask them who gets the toy car if the coin landed on the moose??? once the agree, who get which side, the coin toss happened.

the follow up is to agree about taking turns, this is regular routine at home or library, and both toddlers know what to expect.

if karlina gets the turn first - then she knows that kitchen timer is on for 5 minutes.
once the timer beeps he hands the car to ben, then it is on again for another 5 minutes- till the car comes back to her. But usually, the first 5 minutes, they already agree to share.

outdoors, library for example, they fight over picture books "i get it first". i have a portable timers, and when it is out, they already know the deal.
either one said you can have it first, or the 25 cents come out and decide it for us. then the timer does the job of giving each toddler a turn. s

some days, it work smoothly, some days - i got demand of toss the coin again.
some days, both toddlers get grumpy. but in general, these toddlers know basic conflict resolution - 5 minutes each turn.

angie

Dream, I would do exactly as you do, ask who had it first and usually children are honest and tell you who had it first. If they don't then they both lose it and I put it up high. I'm always saying 'we don't take the toys our friends are playing with', ugh! Thankfully I just have one boy who does that.