Am I overacting?? LONG

I have a 3 yr old boy who has been coming since he was 18 months.
He is very babied at home (just out of the crib last week, carried to my door, overprotective/cautious parent) and he has always been "hit or miss" when it comes to drop offs. He sometimes goes a week or two just fine, then go in a stage for a week or so when he throws a full blown tantrum at the door, sometimes when my own kids and husband are still sleeping.
He gets so worked up and takes a while to calm down when Mom leaves. She talks loudly to him "its okay, xxxx Mommy will be back soon, can you try to calm down xxxx?" and she goes on and on and on.
I have had the talk with her like tomorrow I want her to pass me him over the threshold, I explained that he is only doing it for her. But she never does this, she just says he will do better.
Lately he has even had completely baby-like tantrums at pick up, if someone opens the door for his mom, or if another child gets to the door first. Just ridiculous. I try to intervene at both drop off and pick up saying "xxx please stop this right now, lets act like a big boy etc". I absolutely hate it when other children are there to witness this act. Then low and behold, they ALL start having little fits when their parent walks thru the door, if they aren't first in line. arggg
I have spoken to her several times about his behavior, and I see no need of it since he has been here for so long.
On other occasions, when he has misbehaved at daycare, I try to explain what happened. I expressed to her that I need her on 'my side' when I tell him the rules at my house. She needs to reinforce that with him in front of me. "xxxx, you know that Miss xxx told you we don't hit, grab toys, talk during naptime...etc" but he looks at her, and she gets up to leave, never says a word. She says she will try to work on this.
Anyways, after this mornings tantrum, I messaged her saying if he is so unhappy here (she told me he was fine this morning then when they pulled in my driveway, he started screaming "I don't want to go to daycare!!") that maybe he should find a new daycare. I said I need to keep my sanity and having a 3 yo throw fits for no apparent reason and she cant control him during pick up and drop off that it totally puts a damper on my good morning I was having and sets the mood for the rest of the day.
Her defense is that "kids have moods". Well yes, maybe the odd time they are having a bad day, but this has been consistent and I am getting tired of it. Even when I know mom will be here, to try to lessen the time it takes her to get him dressed (he insists he dress himself with her help and it takes 10-15 mins to leave my house some nights!) I try to dress him myself. "Nooooooo I want Mommy to do ittttttt!!" I have also expressed to her his constant feeling of 'his way or the highway' attitude. If we are going to colour, he whines and complains about it. If we are going for a walk and he has to sit in the blue seat of the wagon, he whines about it. This kid is the ultimate whiner.
Anyways, do you think this is worth losing a family over? I am not desperate to keep them, there are plenty of other families on my wait list. And my other families support me 100% and always express their utter gratitude for me and what I do.
Or do you think I am just overacting and that there is nothing Mom can do to try to change her child's behavior? Kids just being kids?
The other 4 daycare kids never seem to have a problem, except not wanting to go at the end of the day!
WWYD?

You are not overeacting. If you want the child to stay i would change a few things. first tell mom that drop off is fast with a quick goodbye and off she goes. you will undress or help undress him. I would tell mom to text you or call when she is 5 minutes away and you will have him ready to go and have the door open ready to send him off. I would also tell mom that if she's not going to work with you on his "moods" then she will have to find someone else to take him.

If you have others to take the spot I think i would go that route. you've put enough time and effort into this and clearly mom isnt on board with you.

OMG this sounds a lot like the 2.5 year old I just terminated! He would have fits coming into the house in the morning (I could hear him screaming "nooooooo" at his mom on the way up the driveway) and fits on the way out (screaming, hitting his parents, pushing his mom, wanting everything to be his way)...while he never hit or pushed me, he did scream "no" all the time at me and the other kids...constant problems with the other kids. After 6 months with him I realized why I was not making progress...his mom thought his behaviour was normal 2 year old behaviour...she didn't see anything to fix (she would say things like "he's good at home" after having dragged him kicking and screaming and hitting her out of the house). That is when I decided to terminate. This is my first week without him and I cannot even beging to describe how wonderful my days are now! I had a new 2 year old start yesterday and even with the extra energy required to get a new child adjusted, my days are sooooooooooooooo peaceful and calm. And quiet! Even the other parents are commenting on how quiet it is now. My teenaged son asked me as he left for school this morning "It's so quiet, are some of the kids away today?"...nope....I had a full crew including brand new 2 year old...my ears are thanking me right now...I didn't realize how loud and stressful it was until now. Soooo....I guess you know what my vote is! If the mom is not on board with changing the behaviour, it will no change. I say terminate and get your peace back!

You aren't overreacting...I had a very similar dcg who was 4 years old behaving this way and worse! Parents just gave it into the behavior, they thought I was "expecting" too much...By Friday she was better, then a weekend with her parents giving in and Monday morning back to non-stop tantrums! I finally terminated and my days are so much better; im actually enjoying my time with the dck now. Only you really know how much you can take, how much more you have to give this family. My opinion is once the parents stop working with you, you are pretty close to the end. Good Luck

If you don't care one way or the other if they leave or not then feel free to take over and if it annoys mom enough she will either leave or do something to change things. One thing though - I am the only one that EVER opens the front door no matter whose parent is at the door. I get that a child doesn't want to share their parent and it may just be that that is setting off one of the timeframes for tantrums so first institute the new door rule. I have a gate near my entrance which I have to open to get to the door and no one comes past the gate unless invited - ie only the child whose parent is at the door is allowed to come. Others can scream, rant, etc. but they will get their turn. At the same time I have to get back to our day so goodbye needs to be quick - if parent is having trouble getting child to cooperate I just interrupt with something to the effect at Ms Sharon's house we do as we are told and your mother told you to put on your boots. Then if child doesn't I step in and do it with the comment that cooperation is not an option at my house - or doing as you are told depending on how annoyed I am. Parent often is grateful even if they won't admit but annoyed that it sets them up to look like a bad/lazy parent. After a couple sessions of this I can usually just give the child "the look" - my method for most discipline things is the look followed by "excuse me" in that tone of you have got to be kidding child and they get where that is all it takes.

Why or why do we end up parenting the parent as well as the child? But as I said if you don't care if the leave or not then make some new house rules and let parent and child know this is the process from now on and that they are on probation so to speak. If they get in a huff and leave oh well peace and quiet tomorrow... and a new appreciative family down the road. Sanity is worth the open space.

Ummmmm....... NEXT !!!!!!

Sounds exactly like my two Nephews!! I would terminate! You'll feel so much better. Your not over reacting at all.

Wow thanks for warning us it was long loll Just teasing.

I didnt read all the other post but let me share this quick with you.

I have put up with a whiner, stomping feeter, rude eyes, deep breaths ''like growls''... the 100% attitude 3 y.o. for 6 months. I actually posted threads on my problems. I wanted to terminate her many many times but didnt since she was going to school in september, but my days and weeks were simply just horrible EVERYDAY. I followed some advice I got from ladies here to keep positive moods from now on and guess what, first morning with mom with me intervening infront of her made the girl cry and mom giving 2 weeks notice on the spot.

Now I am sooooo much better without her and couldnt believe it would be so stress free without her. It was just not her place here.