My first "behavioural issues" meeting iwth parent... tips and advice please?
:D Hey everyone! I've been running my home day care for about two years now, and I'll be licensed by the end of April. I currently look after three full-time girls (in addition to my own two-year-old daughter) and one part-time/casual boy (he's here about 6 days a month).
I absolutely LOVE running my day care. I love kids, and I have worked before as a nanny and an after-school program facilitator, and before I went on maternity leave I worked at a day care centre as a child care assistant.
My friend K had been running a home preschool and when she shut down to follow other business pursuits I took on one of her day care kids, we'll call her S. K warned me that she had had a lot of problems with S and had even had to talk to her day care coordinator for help on how to handle not just S (she had problems with listening, throwing tantrums, etc.) but also with the parents.
I decided to take S, four years-old, on anyway because I would see her once a week at playgroup, and we got along well. She is a wonderful kid but she definitely has some issues that her parents don't seem to be willing to work with her on.
From the start, S had a hard time leaving when it was time to go home. Her mom would take sometimes up to a half an hour, begging S to go home with her but not really doing anything about it. S would be throwing tantrums, crying and running away. Finally I had to tell her mom that since she was still in my day care I would be the one to manage her behaviour, so a few times I put her in time out. Now it's mostly S's dad that comes to get her at the end of the day, because he gets off work earlier, and things have been MUCH better. She seems to listen to him a lot more.
S had a problem listening, though. If I have to leave the room to go to the bathroom or go quickly to the kitchen to get a meal or snack ready, she will often revert right back to the behaviour I asked her to stop. It's like as soon as I'm not around she thinks that she doesn't need to listen to the rules that I've had.
It's the same thing at nap time. I have a mandatory nap/quiet time for all the kids, because I need a break too and I need to also get cleaning done and planning, and snack and meal prep, etc. This is for about an hour every day, and all the other kids nap. My part time boy has no problem lying down quietly and looking at a book or puzzle. But as soon as I leave, S is bothering the other kids, moving all around, talking, etc. As soon as I come in she pretends to be asleep but I have caught her multiple times, and it seems like no matter how I try to get through to her, she doesn't care at all to listen (this has been going on for a year!)
I think if it were just those issues, it would be fine. But S's mom reacts very defensively and emotionally any time I bring up an issue about S's behaviour (and I try very hard to be professional and friendly. I never say the children are "bad", I say they had a "hard day", for example).
I think the problem is that the mom and I became friends after her child was at my day care. She's a very insecure person and I feel like she thinks any discussion about S's behaviour is a personal affront to her. I've had to talk to other parents about their children's behaviour and it's never been a problem (my part-time boy just went through a period of aggression, but the mom and I were able to collaborate and come up with a system that worked for everyone, and she never once complained about how I handled the situation).
I had to tell S's mom that she can no longer text me about day care things -- instead I asked that she either call me or talk to me in person if it can wait. I actually wrote this into my code of conduct because it was becoming such a problem: each day she would text me and ask me how S was doing, and if I had anything but a positive response she would get really snarky and defensive.
The mom has admitted to me that she does take things too personally but she doesn't seem to be working on that at all. The other thing is that S is completely spoiled. Her mom told me that she has a meltdown every day at home, and that every evening there is a tantrum at home and that she whines and cries until it's bed time to get whatever she wants. She is given chance after chance and begged by her parents to listen, but they seem at a total loss to give her any boundaries or manager her behaviour at all. The other day we were at playgroup and all the kids were at a table playing with playdough. A younger child took some of S's playdough away (stuff she wasn't even playing with at the time) and S ripped it roughly out of the child's hands. I got down to S's level and told her that while I understood that that was the playdough she was playing with, we don't grab things from other people, we use our words. I asked her to say sorry to the other child and then ask to have her playdough back, but she immediately started crying and throwing a fit. I had to put her in time out in a quiet area of the room, and she cried and refused to talk to me (I was kneeling down, on her level, gentle, not blaming, etc.) for a half an hour.
I talked to my child care coordinator I'm working with to get licensed and she said to have a sit down with the parents (without S) and to make it clear to them that if they don't start managing S's behaviour, I won't be able to look after her anymore. (I've already suggested to them that S might be happier at a bigger centre, where nap time is optional and she's with more kids her own age -- my others are 2 and 3, but the mom was not at all interested in considering that option).
Here are some points I plan to bring up at the meeting (hoping they agree to it -- I asked them earlier in the week when they could meet and they haven't given an answer yet). Please look at them and let me know if they sound too blame-ey, or what else I should add! Thanks everyone!
- first thing to address is how important it is to be respectful when we are interacting with each other – this is my business and I am not motivated my emotions, but facts and situations.
- stress how important it is that the mom works on not reacting emotionally when I need to bring up an issue about S – I do this with all parents and children and don’t have any problems, have never had any complaints about how I run my business or how I communicated
- this is why I have decided to interact with her about day care things only via phone call or face to face. Text messages have often in the past resulted in emotional responses that I want to avoid
- hand out copies of code of conduct, point out important parts
- talk about how I expect to be treated with respect whether it’s at my home or out in public – bring up the time we were both at a party at the library and how the mom completely avoided me. We don’t need to be friends but I also don’t deserve to be treated like I’ve done something wrong when I’m just trying to make S's day care experience work for everyone
- I am taking all parents off of Facebook and instead will post photos on a Facebook page that parents and relatives can “like” to see what we are doing – hand out photography permission form
- ask what S is like at home: how often does she throw a tantrum? Cry when she doesn’t get her way?
- ask how they manage her behaviour at home: how many chances does she get? What behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable? What kind of consequences does she get and are they consistent and unchanging?
- explain how if she doesn’t have constant limits and consequences at home and then she comes to day care where there are limits about what is acceptable and what is not, it is very confusing for her and setting her up for failure and a hard time at day care – and later on in life at school, with friendships, relationships, work, etc.
- not blaming the parents – everyone is different – but they do need to take ownership and realize that it’s not Ss fault – she only follows the lead she gets at home – and if she doesn’t have consistent limits and boundaries, then I won’t be able to look after her anymore, because she won’t understand that there are limits and boundaries here
- give examples of S’s behaviour
- nap time: I need it because I think all kids need a quiet time, and that is when I get a break – not just to clean and cook and do craft and activity prep (which I do do and which takes a LOT of time – meal planning, etc.) but to have a break – would they want to work 9 hours a day straight, no coffee breaks, no lunch breaks, etc.?
- she may do better off at a centre instead of a home day care where she doesn’t have to nap and where there are more workers
