Need advice about fighting

I currently have 4 children in my dayhome, including my own. A 3yo girl, 3yo boy(mine), 18 month old girl, and a 9 month old girl (mine).

I am having such a hard time getting the children to play together without breaking into a fight (I'm speaking of the older two). They do fine when I am actively involved and constantly redirect them and prevent issues from escalating. But it seems like as soon as they are in free play, there is constant crying and yelling and "I HAD IT FIRST!". And then there's the pushing and hitting and throwing things. Do you experience this or am I not doing my job correctly?? Any advice on how to deal with situations like that, and mostly, how to prevent them from happening?

Oh, just a FYI, the agency I am with has a policy of no time-outs. What they suggest is time away, which is where if a child isn't playing together well, I give the child a couple of options for a different activity away from the other children. When the child is ready to join the rest of the children again, I ease them into it and then let them play together again. But it seems to not be working for me. As soon as I suggest a different activity, they start crying and getting stubborn and don't want to do anything else. And if that child, for example, hit someone else it seems like just redirecting them to a different activity doesn't really deal with the problem?

Anyway, any advice is welcome. :)

Sorry that you can't do time outs? Sounds a bit weird to me? Can you get rid of the agency! LOL

What about taking away privileges? i.e. if they fight over a toy you tell them if you can't play fair then the toy goes away for the day! I have two 3 year olds as well and they take toys from each other all the time. Tell them if can't give it back by the count of 3 then the toy will go away for the day. If one child does this more often then restrict them from a reward.

Good luck!

Sue

P.S time away for agression should be in a different room have them listen to soothing music or something? Then have a chat about the agression and why we don't hit etc...

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Originally Posted by CountryMommy

I currently have 4 children in my dayhome, including my own. A 3yo girl, 3yo boy(mine), 18 month old girl, and a 9 month old girl (mine).

I am having such a hard time getting the children to play together without breaking into a fight (I'm speaking of the older two). They do fine when I am actively involved and constantly redirect them and prevent issues from escalating. But it seems like as soon as they are in free play, there is constant crying and yelling and "I HAD IT FIRST!". And then there's the pushing and hitting and throwing things. Do you experience this or am I not doing my job correctly?? Any advice on how to deal with situations like that, and mostly, how to prevent them from happening?

Oh, just a FYI, the agency I am with has a policy of no time-outs. What they suggest is time away, which is where if a child isn't playing together well, I give the child a couple of options for a different activity away from the other children. When the child is ready to join the rest of the children again, I ease them into it and then let them play together again. But it seems to not be working for me. As soon as I suggest a different activity, they start crying and getting stubborn and don't want to do anything else. And if that child, for example, hit someone else it seems like just redirecting them to a different activity doesn't really deal with the problem?

Anyway, any advice is welcome. :)

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is it a mutual annoy thing or is one of them more likely to be the one doing the pestering first - maybe minor but just playing too close in the other child's space because they know the child doesn't like it is enough. The fact they play fine when you are there suggests they may have learned that the behaviour gets your attention away from the little ones. Have you tried not taking sides in a dispute and in effect punishing both of them? Time out is a concept not a reality thing as there is no right or wrong way to do timeout as in doesn't come with a manual so if they can't play well without being with you then I guess they need to be with you - that means sitting there cross - legged a few feet from where you are interacting with the little ones. They do not get to participate in any way. After a few days of "timeout" doing nothing they might get the hint. Then ask if they would like to go do - and give them only one choice like puzzles or books something that is an alone activity but in the same space. Repeat till they can manage to stay and play.

Since your child is one of the oldest and one of the youngest be very aware of his behaviour. Is he jelous of the baby as in is the fighting worse if you move from them to the baby. He may very well be the instigator as a way of getting attention away from the baby. If that is true then again he can come and sit while you play with the baby if he wants but doesn't get to participate - he had his turn for your attention.

Lol about the getting rid of the agency. :laugh: In all seriousness though, I love being with an agency. I don't have to deal with parents not paying, I get payed anyway, among a whole bunch of other things about parents I don't have to deal with. I get to rotate my toys and equipment from the agency's library to keep things interesting for the children. The agency helps me with everything from advertising, to daily issues, etc. Well worth the price.


Aaanyway. It isn't jealousy of the smaller children since they still do that when they are both napping. I have tried giving consequences to both children, taking toys away for the day, etc. It is getting better, albeit slowly. But I have definitely noticed improvement already. I think I just need to have patience and be consistent. After all, these children have only been with me for about 6 weeks.

Thanks for your advice, ladies! :)

hmm- it is a typical three year old thing- at least in my house- but it does drive me batty!

I would say the toy needs a time out if they can't play nice- or do 3 sec turns. they usually tire of that really fast!

When I have a problem with a toy I take out a timer, set it for 2 mins and they take turns. I try to have multiple of toys to avoid this problem. If they fight over 1 toy (and I have 2) I have the aggressor give the toy back and the 'victim' (for lack of a better word) help find the twin of the toy for the other child. Nothing better than 2 happy kids :)

I agree woith VictoriaChildCare. I have the same policy about fighting regarding a certain toy. I use a minute minder or maybe the other child can find something to trade for the popular toy.
I use time outs in our talking chair. When there is a problem the child or children sit in the talking chair and we discuss what has happened and how we can keep it from happening next time. I have learned that the time I spend talking to the child calms everyone down and then we can carry on playing. Conflict resolution is one of the best outcomes for children in a child care setting. They learn how to avoid the conflict and how to come to an understanding with their peers.
Hang in there and stick to your policy about fighting, hitting, punching, etc. There will be days that seem worse than others,but it will get better.:yes:

I did the timer thing a few years back and the kids wanted me to continuously be timing everything. I just tell the kids that they need to wait until the child walks away from the toy letting them know that the child will most likely be done with it in a few minutes. I will also remove the toy that the children are fighting over especially when both parties are claiming to have had it first.