Advice: almost 4 year old crying all the time

Hey there

I have been doing daycare for over 20 years. I am at a loss of what to do with this child. I have had the family for almost 8 years. The older brother was diagnosed with autism when he was 8 with me gently pushing to get him evaluated. His younger brother is a sweetheart but behind with everything. He didn't walk until almost 2. He still crawls up and down stairs, talks about the level of a 2 year old, does not express his feelings very well and has some behavioural issues. The parents unfortunately let him do what he wants, so much that he throws tempers at home, throws things, they carry him up and down the stairs, feed him and pretty much have no control over him at all. I have worked very hard with him on self help skills, walking up and down stairs, toilet training, talking etc, I have made great strides with him but they reverse it at home. Lately he has taken to not staying in his bed at night and gets up many times and is up at 4-5 in the morning. The mom doesn't want me to nap him as it makes it worse to get to bed at night. But all he does is cry now all the time. We have had to leave the park and other public places because of his crying. The kids now are all calling him a baby and don't want to be around him anymore or they provoke him as they know they will get a reaction out of him. He has a really hard time getting along with others and wants his way all of the time. I highly suspect that he may be on the autism spectrum too and the parents have brought him to be evaluated but they said besides working on his speech it is too early to diagnose him. I love him to death but even my patience is frazzled.

You are not this child's mother. Fair or not, I feel you are over invested in this family. I understand why you are and you've gone over and above to bring these children forward but you are just going to continue getting frustrated without their support.

If they had different parents, I think these kids would make bigger progress. Not bad parents but lazy and enabling and if they had different kids, it likely be no issue. The combination of well meaning but ineffective parenting plus children with higher needs is not good one for child to given all opportunities. Sad but true.

It is just a matter of time before these children go school and not in your care. At that time, despite all your effort, the work will unravel with these parents.

You have two option - either continue on, fully aware that you are just delaying inevitable. Or for your own sanity, recognize you can not save them all and let them go. I think based on details you give, if parent were approachable and willing to listen to you and work with you not against, you would have already built that joint effort relationship in the last 8 years. Since you not managed to build that, it unlikely to happen now.

Has the crying started since he stopped napping? He's probably really over tired if he's up all night, gets up really early and then is forced to stay awake all day.

At this point, it sounds like it's negatively impacting everyone else you care for, so it might be time for him to find another caregiver.

Maybe lay out your concerns with the parents and let them know what needs to change for him to stay. Would they be open to some resources/materials that would help them set limits and boundaries with him?

I feel for him. I think daycare is super hard for the kids who have zero structure or boundaries at home and then come to daycare where there is so much structure and boundaries.

Give yourself a pat on the back for doing so much for the 2 children :)
Then talk to the parents and say where you see this child needs help the most
needing a short nap/rest time will help greatly and learning to do things for himself
the parents need to learn to work with you so he is more independant
start by talking and suggesting things to them